People with high intimacy intelligence can create and maintain closeness with their partners. How you can recognize them.
Words cannot describe how you feel with your favorite person. A connection that doesn’t need words anyway because the intimacy between you is much deeper.
There is a gap between you deeper than the ocean. You walk side by side, live side by side, but you are cut off, once united in love and now perhaps separated forever.
How close do you feel emotionally to your favorite person? Which description better fits the relationship you have? What do you do to create a close emotional connection, what do you do to close the distance between you? Is intimacy actually something that can be created and strengthened through one’s own efforts? If so: How can we ensure that we experience intimate moments with our partners more often?
What we mean by intimacy intelligence
Intelligence is described by the American Psychology Association as the ability to “derive information, learn from experience, adapt to the environment, understand, and use reason and reason correctly.” So what does intimacy intelligence mean? Basically, it means the ability to create – and maintain – emotional, mental and physical closeness to our partner.
This may sound logical and feasible in theory, but in practice it is a little more complicated, because it is not for nothing that they say: “You must first learn to love yourself before you can love someone else.” First, we must have built an intimate relationship with ourselves, knowing our needs and feelings, before we can build such a relationship with another person. And this is exactly where the crux of the matter lies for many people, says couples therapist Robert N. Johansen.
A quick assessment of intimacy IQ
As a therapist, Johansen regularly works with couples who feel emotionally distant from each other, who have become “dispassionate roommates” and who live in separate worlds despite sharing a roof. In his article on “Psychology Today” he reveals the unexpected question that can get most people out of their reserve in this situation: “How much do you like the person you are when you’re with your partner?” And often he would get an answer like, “Not as much as I would like.”
Relationships are complex and communication is an everyday challenge. In certain situations, we can feel misunderstood, treated unfairly or rejected, especially by people close to us. But the people in question don’t always know about it – and sometimes we can’t even say exactly what’s boiling inside us. But anyone who has a high level of intimacy intelligence can clearly recognize, name and act on their own feelings and needs. The therapist lists five points to enable an initial self-assessment of your own intimacy IQ.
1. Self-knowledge
First of all, it has to be about getting to know yourself – from all sides. “When we know our needs and the feelings that surround them, we know who we are in relation to our intimate partners,” writes Johansen. People with high intimacy intelligence are willing to become transparent about themselves: making their feelings and needs fully visible to themselves (and others). They look – even if it becomes uncomfortable. This is the only way they can be fully recognized and grasped by themselves and those around them.
2. You respect their needs
Every person has certain demands and attitudes. Principles that he follows, according to which he views and evaluates the world. And these mostly also apply to himself. But what if we feel emotions and needs that run counter to these demands, attitudes and principles? No matter how hard we want to be in balance and not feel such “lower” emotions as resentment and envy, for example. But what if we do feel them? Are we then bad people?
No. It is legitimate to feel emotions and have needs. “I feel this emotion – and that’s okay” – is a mantra familiar to such people. It’s important to connect with our feelings and desires, listen and respond with compassion – not shame, anger or ignorance. This is clear to people with a high intimacy IQ.
3. They stand up for their needs
People with high intimacy intelligence are not only open to themselves about their needs – they also share them with those around them and invite them to a dialogue about them. With this opening they sometimes make themselves vulnerable – but the self-disclosure also makes them authentic fellow human beings who inspire a feeling of trust in others. Because you know where you stand with this person.
4. You take risks
Anyone who opens up, who reveals their innermost being, makes themselves vulnerable and vulnerable. But such people take these risks in a calculated manner; after all, the potential gain is always worth it: To create a trusting basis in the relationship, an atmosphere that consists of openness, self-disclosure, reflection and respect for your own and your partner’s needs and emotions. A nourishing soil for a deep, healthy and happy togetherness.
5. Fear is not the enemy
Fear has a bad reputation in our society. “Nobody likes fear, it feels bad. And for many reasons we might assume that anything that feels that bad is probably not good for us,” explains professor and psychologist Tracy Dennis-Tiwary in an interview with the “Greater Good Magazine”. The (false) narrative of fear as something bad tells us that we must prevent, eradicate and avoid fear, the scientist continues.
But fear is not our enemy. Fear can alert us to grievances and dangers, but sometimes it also tends to be a little overdramatic. People with high intimacy intelligence know that fear is part of relationships: we are afraid of saying the wrong thing and hurting those around us, we are afraid of losing them. But it is entirely up to us how much power we give fear over our decisions – and our relationships. Not the other way around.
Sources used: psychologytoday.com, dictionary.apa.org, greatergood.berkeley.edu