In a relationship we want to be honest – but how can it succeed without hurting the partner?
An honest relationship is a happy relationship – most people should be able to relate to this equation, lies and fraud are usually not part of the components of a healthy coexistence on an equal footing. Also studies show that lying as little as possible has a positive effect on the health of both partners.
In a world in which fake news and image editing are part of everyday life, in which a “life” is shown on social networks over which at least ten filters have been placed, it is reasonable to assume that we are doing other people a favor by confronting them with the truth. Especially those people with whom we have a relationship. And certainly the basic idea is not wrong either. But what is the truth anyway?
In short: The truth isn’t a fact, it’s a perspective, a personal perception that doesn’t have to be brutal—and where timing matters. Anyone who is aware of this can have a deep, intimate relationship with another person that is built on honesty and respect – and in which opinions are not thoughtlessly expressed and hurt.
The truth is a personal story
Anyone who speaks of truth should be clear about the question of what “truth” actually means and about the fact that such a question can be answered on different levels. The public broadcaster 3 sat for example writes: “Truth defines itself [im 19. Jahrhundert] as ‘correspondence between knowledge and beings'”.
Later, a further distinction was made between the absolute truth (“The earth is a sphere”) and the relative truth (“The earth has lost its shape due to the rotation and the pole forces of billions of years and has dented in many places. But in principle it is a sphere rather than a disc, of course”). In idealism, on the other hand, the focus is on the human being as an individual. His origin, cultural influences, upbringing, moral principles, in short: understanding and interpreting the world and its truths is at the core of this definition of truth.
Ultimately, this means one thing above all: The “truth” is not necessarily “true” depending on the level at which – and by whom – it is viewed. It is also essential to distinguish truth from fact: the latter is measurable, (theoretically) undeniable. In turn, what the facts mean to the individual varies from person to person, as do their respective truths. Conversely, that means that truths are stories at the end of the day. Human stories whose content depends on the life of the narrator.
Nobody wants to hear the “brutal truth” – only the “naked truth”
And many of us have the more or less strong desire to bring our stories, our truths, which we often misunderstand as supposedly universal truths and facts, to other people. Because we feel they “deserve” to know the truth. When a good friend stands in front of us and, after a long search in the store, proudly presents a dress, then those who find the dress really ugly have a decision to make:
- You lie to your friend and claim that the dress looks great on her
- They tell her to her face that the dress looks awful on her
But what many people forget in such a moment: You don’t have to lie to your girlfriend. They can focus on an aspect that fits (“The dress makes you look taller”) or draw attention to the opinion that really matters in the end (“How do you like it to you because?”) and above all they can become aware that the supposed fact – namely that the dress does not suit the girlfriend at all – is only their truth, shaped by their upbringing, by the society they live in and by their view of the world and of beauty and aesthetics.
A “brutal truth” expressed by us is intended to protect our fellow human beings and set them on the “right” path. We feel the need to hurt our fellow human beings because we believe that if we don’t bludgeon them in the head with an “unvarnished truth,” they would experience even greater pain. Of course you shouldn’t lie to other people, but hurting them isn’t the other extreme.
There’s a difference in saying to the face of a friend who we feel is wasting his life doing nothing, “Remember, you’re going to die sometime.” Or if we tell him instead: “One day you will be dead and every decision you have ever made and will make is therefore irrelevant, because you are less than a speck of dust to the universe.”
Timing is crucial
On the social media platform “TikTok” a very good example is explained in a video on the subject of honesty, which shows that the truth is always a matter of timing. A good friend is in a play, but it’s (in your opinion) horrible, you hate every minute and after the performance she stands in front of you expectantly and asks for your opinion.
- You could honestly tell her how awful you felt — for more reasons than one, this “brutal truth” will most likely hurt her badly
- Alternatively, you can choose something that answers her question and doesn’t offend her, such as how wonderful it was to see her on stage
In the example above, you’re not lying to your girlfriend – rather, you are aware that there is a specific time and place where you can talk about the “naked truth”. And you know that time isn’t right after her performance and not on the spot so shortly after the play. In a later phone call you can ask her if she would like to hear your opinion on the play and if she says yes, you can tell her constructively and honestly what you thought of the performance.
Truth
We have to be aware that we are not aware of anything
We never want anything bad for our loved ones and often think that the “unfiltered truth” is always the best way of communication. But as the examples and explanations should show: who are we to think that we have leased the “only true truth” for ourselves? Our truth is just one of many, our perspective just one of billions. What we see as well-intentioned assistance can be tactless, unfair meanness for our counterpart.
Those who are aware of these things usually have a better view of their own formulation and perspective and, in various situations, can meet the requirement of honesty in the relationship on the one hand and not offend the partner with it.
Sources used: psychologytoday.com, apa.org, 3sat.de, medium.com, practicaldramatics.com, tiktok.com