Relationship: This myth harms love instead of strengthening it

relationship
This myth harms love instead of strengthening it

© LightField Studios / Shutterstock

How does a relationship last? In the course of your life you read and hear love advice everywhere – which can sometimes get stuck and even harm. Couple counselor Eric Hegmann clears up a myth.

A relationship means work. Those who love compromise. Opposites attract. People of the same kind stick together. Love is teeming with proverbs, rules, idioms. Some of them come true in the course of life, others turn out to be a fallacy. However, most learn to distinguish between them from cracked hearts.

Isn’t that easier? After all, people have been loving since they existed, so we can learn wonderfully from each other. Because unlike romances in literature and film want to tell us, such a relationship seldom works at first sight and eternal love does not fall from the sky. So we frolic in the forest of the signposts that we have picked up at some point, stumble, fall down, get up again, realize that we were on the wrong path.

Compromise doesn’t make relationships any better

One of these wrong turns is called compromise. How are you? Compromise? But that’s the secret of a good relationship – aren’t they? When we were chatting about love with couple counselor Eric Hegmann some time ago, we stumbled upon his statement: “Compromises are a double-edged sword.” We thought they were one of those signposts that we could blindly follow.

After all, we only want something good if we are ready to approach: the partners: in. In theory, the compromise is also “a sign of commitment that gives security”. In the practice of relationships, however, this also means: “I only get part of what I really want. If that becomes permanent, then I lose hope that at some point I will be able to be completely satisfied in this relationship. And without this option, people don’t invest indefinitely. They give their hope in a new connection, “explains Mr. Hegmann. In the worst case, we can chase each other away if we are always willing to compromise – or ourselves.

Better: go to the relationship bazaar together

Eric Hegmann press photo

Couple advisor, author and single coach Eric Hegmann

© Robert Hilton / PR

“69% of all couples’ conflicts cannot be resolved through compromises that leave both partners equally satisfied. That is why I doubt the consistency of the old theorem: Relationships are constant compromises,” says the couple therapist. Instead, he would recommend barter deals in a very practical way: “Instead of meeting in the middle, each partner can take turns fulfilling his or her wish, but the other has to step back.”

Barter deals, we think primarily of flea markets where there is big deal. In everyday life, however, they tend to take place at home: “When there are compromises, you meet in the middle of the problem, I negotiate needs, I can proceed differently,” says Mr. Hegmann and unpacks the popular dishwasher example. A simple sentence could open the market place here: “‘My impression is that the dishwasher mostly sticks to me. If you don’t want to empty it, what can you do instead to relieve me?’ Suddenly the negotiating space of 30 minutes has become a bazaar of possibilities. From tax returns to date night, from gardening to shopping. “

In this way, couples can get to know each other and their needs much better – and deal with them. Who knows, maybe he has: the partner: with significantly less aversion to washing up than you do yourself – and is happy if you prefer to prepare the food yourself without being disturbed. Not everything has to be done together, not always to be met in the middle.

But the trick still has a bit of a problem, Mr. Hegmann warns us at last: “Barter deals that are only negotiated in the head lead to frustration.” I always clear out the dishwasher. I always do the shopping. Who feels caught out? As a justification, the use in dispute situations should not be used: “Only if exactly this has been agreed as a deal will it work,” recommends the therapist. Then the new bazaar area can lead a relationship in completely new areas. With less hidden, but clearly formulated signposts.

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