“We don’t like that”
Ms. therapist, how do you manage to remain a self in a partnership?
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In a relationship, some couples quickly merge into an oversized “we”. But how do I manage to stay me with all this togetherness?
“We’ll be there at four!” “We liked it very much!” “We don’t like it that way.”
In my environment, a small word has a big impact. Surely you’ve heard it by now, because at a certain age it seems hard to get past it. There are three letters that follow the three legendary words and then not only change our grammar, but also our everyday dynamics. We, we, everywhere we.
When I hear the “we” for the first time from a: m friend: in who: the one: n new: n partner: in has, I am happy. Just like when it stumbles over my lips for the first time. When two I’s get closer and they become a we, it feels comfortably warm at first and well, pretty good. But at some point – at least for me – a small personal pronoun knocks on the wall of the skull and demands attention. It is the me.
A relationship, two individuals and the psychology behind it
After all, you keep developing in life, not just as a couple, but also as a personality. If the latter falls by the wayside because of the sheer sense of unity, sooner or later it will usually be difficult. For the environment that Freund misses as an individual. For the: the partner: in, if only one part of the relationship lives in the we and the: the other is fighting for space. And for yourself, when at some point you no longer know who you are without the: the other: n.
Why do some people in relationships tend to merge into a we – and others don’t? And how do you manage to remain an independent being, even though you share the contents of your refrigerator, door key and heart with someone else? I spoke to the psychological advisor Andrea vorm Walde about this. She has already treated many people and their heart’s opportunities and works with attachment genetics, among other things.
Andrea, does this sense of togetherness in relationships have to be anything negative at all?
“There are partnerships in which two people are so closely connected that they can live that way. But that is not really often the case. If only one partner really plunges into the relationship, it becomes difficult – one will always follow up and the other go backwards. The proximity-distance relationship is then no longer correct. “
And what do you do there?
“You can only talk about it openly. If only insecurity, fear and mistrust come from the other person as soon as someone does something alone or for himself, that is no longer a basis.”
You speak of it when you feel constricted. But what if you find yourself giving up on relationships?
“Then you have to face it, it takes a lot to admit it. But you always have to be honest with yourself and be clear about what you are doing. Personality development is a worn-out term, but that’s what it’s all about: the Finding your own personality and stabilizing it. And what happens then? You become authentic and notice that people treat you differently. And look at the relationship differently yourself: Do I have someone who is really interested in me? And is he : she enthuses when I find myself and supports me? Or did he find: she my ‘clinging’ rather flattering? A lot then comes to light. “
And what if the: the partner: does not find their own self-discovery so funny?
“If the other only lives in this sense of togetherness, we will not be able to love him in the long run. Because what he: she then serves us is dependency and fear of being alone. That is always unattractive in the long term, and it there is a big package full of problems attached to it. A relationship doesn’t mean: I’ll come with all of my drama, look for someone and then he should please save me. The saying is old, but it’s true: You have to love yourself before you love others can really give something. And a relationship always includes giving and taking. “