Relationship: Why we think differently about love today

BRIGITTE author Nicole Zepter had already finished with what was supposedly the most beautiful thing in the world. Then she realized that something was suddenly changing, not just for her.

Ten years ago I decided to give up love. I sat at a friend’s breakfast table and said, I’ll never love again. I was 34. My girlfriend laughed. She had just separated from her husband and was now raising the three children together with her new wife. I, on the other hand, looked sadly into my coffee with my six-month-old son on my lap. With the relationship with the father of my child, my belief in love was broken. How little I knew

The image of a relationship has changed

The romantic, patriarchal image of a love relationship – woman waits for man, man becomes a breadwinner of the family, woman stays at home with children – has changed. It was never my model, but it was always a struggle not to live it. Because those who did not correspond to the classic image of a heterosexual, monogamous couple, even remained “single”, quickly heard the objection: What is wrong with you? That could also be your own inner voice.

But then came the 2010s: women became politicized, were outraged that men were explaining the world to them (mansplaining), got involved like Sheryl Sandberg (Lean in!) And ended the silence about sexual harassment and violence (#MeToo). A new feminist revolution began. All genders became visible, and possible. Thanks to social media. Motherhood became a big topic, we discussed care work and celebrated female bodies. Women suddenly got a lobby, they were taken seriously. With this, love was also reevaluated.

When I grew up, the term was reserved for pop songs and movies. Most of all, love was cheesy. And this kitsch concealed how much love was and still is shaped by different social norms. The journalist Seyda Kurt therefore no longer speaks of love, this myth, but of tenderness. Love, Kurt observes, is an empty, overloaded phrase. “We have to find a new idea of ​​intimacy,” she writes in her book “Radical Tenderness”. The way we talk about love, says Kurt, reveals a lot about the political and economic power relations in which we live. This also gives us the chance to question and reassess them.

Love for yourself, in whatever form

The American feminist Bell Hooks writes: Love is an action, not just a feeling. Even if it might not read like that, this is a big step. Love, that sugary thing with a moderate chance of success, becomes a conscious choice. Who do I want to love and why?

And so today love is always a little revolution. Loving yourself, especially when you don’t conform to a norm, regardless of the form: single, fat, thin, straight, bi, transgender, homosexual, as friends, as a threesome, became liberation – and then at breakneck speed to the new norm. For me this meant: not being worth less as a woman because you raise your child alone, have changing partners or just have a good friend by your side. The battles are not yet fought, but they are finally being fought. When the pandemic locked people in their own homes and closed the world out there, unbeknownst to me, I was well prepared. My son and I are a well-rehearsed team, our relationship works. We are a conscious choice. Many were not prepared.

Will the divorce rate really quintuple after Corona, as a survey by the polling institute Civey says? In any case, couples and families suddenly had a lot of time together. Dates were made out with the fear of being infected or they didn’t even take place. During this time, the dating platform Bumble shone, reserving the first step in contacting women. In doing so, she not only improved the Internet, but also revolutionized dating.

A relationship is not a goal, it should be seen as a gift

My girlfriend is now separated again. The children are grown up. It is rerolled, loved anew. My idea of ​​a relationship has changed: it is no longer a set goal, but just an addition, a gift. Not only because I love myself more, but also because society has changed. I can now have new, completely different demands. And no more fear. The world has my back free.

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BRIGITTE 15/2021
Brigitte

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