With one of your bestsellers, you say: "Everyone can relate". That is not a general consensus.
There are people who are so traumatized that they really are not able to relate. But most can live in a relationship even if they say they are unable to relate. But I prefer to speak of limited ability to relate or fear of attachment.
What is behind it?
Almost always: a problem with self-esteem. Someone then thinks, "I'm not okay the way I am. Sooner or later you'll leave me. So that you don't, I'll try to meet all of your expectations." And he loses himself in the process.
Where does this thinking come from?
It arises in childhood.
So are the parents to blame?
Yes, they are responsible for how their children's brains are shaped. If the parents give too little security, the child has the feeling that love and relationship is not something that can be relied on. It has to see how it can cope on its own. And if parents bind their child too much to themselves, there is a kind of allergy to closeness. The relationship between the parents also plays a role. Children from disputed parents' homes are often fearful of attachment. You have been shown that a relationship cannot go well.
Does that mean: stay away from children of divorce?
You cant say it like that. Divorced children are often less likely to suffer from attachment anxiety than children with parents who have stayed together but only quarrel. When the divorce is peaceful and the parents strive to get along well, the child realizes that crises can be dealt with.
Can you recognize those who are afraid of attachment in advance?
Very difficult. However, if someone says about themselves that they are unable to relate, they need a lot of freedom, they break everything when things get serious, then the alarm bells should ring.
What if you didn't notice anything before? Is there still a chance later on to unmask attachment fears?
When it comes to the next level of commitment, something changes. For one, the word relationship triggers panic, for another, it is the shared apartment, for others, the wedding. A weakness zoom then often arises. That means: even small mistakes of the partner are perceived more extreme. The attachment-anxious person withdraws more and more, often sex life falls asleep. And all of this, even though he had previously given you the feeling of being madly in love.
Are you pretending to be in love?
No, they are actually in love at the beginning, but because they increasingly feel restricted in their freedom, their feelings gradually cool down. The problem is: they have a hard time dealing with their partners' expectations.
Why is that?
Those who are afraid of relationships are of the deepest inner conviction: either I am in a relationship or I am an independent person. Both do not go together in their feeling and thinking. We all have a basic existential need for commitment and autonomy, but that has to be balanced. It is not for those who are afraid of attachment.
How can you restore balance?
The fearful attachment must work on himself, understand that the problem arose in childhood and has nothing to do with the present. This works with self-reflection or, if you can't get ahead alone, with therapy. And if the person concerned really wants this, he will understand that you can be compromise and still stand up for yourself and your opinion.
Stefanie Stahl brings with the BRIGITTE editorial team the coaching magazine "BRIGITTE Leben!" out. Next issue: April 22nd.
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