In 2021, Sarah Bora decided to share her experiences with domestic violence with the world – a brave step. She tells us how she encountered abuse of power and what needs to fundamentally change in our society in order to counteract exploitative power structures.
BRIGITTE: You have been committed to combating violence against women for a long time. You are a singer and with your song in 2021 you made it public that you yourself were a victim of domestic violence. Would you like to tell us what exactly happened to you?
Sarah Bora: I met my boyfriend at a relatively early age; he was my childhood sweetheart. We were together for almost ten years and yes, I was in an abusive relationship for almost eight of those years. So really psychological and physical violence. I experienced physical violence for the first time when I was 15. I try to reach a lot of people with my personal story, because women in particular are more likely to feel addressed by someone who has had the same thing happen to them.
Was it a gradual process or did the attack come as a surprise?
On a psychological level it became more and more acute, and it always started relatively harmlessly. Control and jealousy. For example, I always had to send selfies where I was, my mileage was checked, and my cell phone too. At some point I no longer had proper access to my bank account and had to disclose everything. Everything was simply controlled.
The physical violence was even more unpredictable because, in his eyes, he always had reasons for his outbursts of anger that I couldn’t foresee. Whether it was a vase that was in the wrong place or a party where he felt I misbehaved, there were always moments that were unacceptable to him and escalated the situation. Then I was forcibly held or beaten. This has developed into a kind of system.
And those around them didn’t notice this violence?
Not really at the beginning. I was only allowed to wear long clothes anyway. That means I also had a lot of leeway to hide these injuries. This sounds completely stupid because the question often comes: “Then why didn’t you just leave?”, but a relationship like this always starts with love.
I realized relatively quickly that the more financially independent I am, the more options I have.
How can violence and love go together?
These people are doing some kind of love bombing. They completely shower you with love, even in a different way than you might know from other relationships. So that you really have the feeling: I have found the perfect person. Now looking back, I also noticed that I was becoming more and more isolated from my friends and family. You don’t notice this at first because you might think you are being protected. “Your friends are bad. Your family is not good for you. I love you so much and just want you to be well,” these are all sentences that manipulated me into believing them at some point. At the end of the relationship it was all about functioning, about survival.
Do you think your partner was aware at this point that he was actively exploiting his power?
In any case. It started in the initial situation, where I moved out of my parents’ house, moved in with him and he basically took control of me. Even after I came back to him when he was physically assaulted. That totally showed him that I was submissive. Then he knew: He has power over me.
Power also means responsibility. In all areas, including partnerships. And if you know, for example, that your partner may not be on an equal footing financially because of her work and you take advantage of exactly this part and say: “Without me you are nothing”, then we are clearly talking about abuse of power. And in many relationships that is the financial aspect because the woman does a lot of care work or looks after the children. This happens automatically.
And you weren’t aware of the abuse of power at that moment?
Not at all. You’re really in some kind of bubble. I didn’t even realize what was wrong with me. It wasn’t until it got so bad that I was scared that I realized something was wrong. Of course, I felt inside that this wasn’t okay, but I couldn’t explicitly differentiate whether that wasn’t the case for everyone else too.
How did you manage to get out of this situation characterized by abuse of power?
I realized relatively quickly that the more financially independent I am, the more options I have. I knew that status was very important to him. So I tried to trick him and said that if I bring home more money, of course we can afford more. That’s why it was so important for me to work and do the training and then start studying. And that was my salvation too. Education got me out of there. I was able to expand my spectrum and my horizons. I had more contact with other people and a friend who was very close to me noticed sooner or later how much I was being controlled at university. I always had to say what I was doing, was never allowed to be with others and if I was, then only with girls. At some point my friend got to the point where she said: Sarah, this is no longer normal. Of course I downplayed it. But the more she noticed and the more she told me, the more I realized that something was wrong.
You are now married and in a happy relationship. Since last year, even a mother. How did you get out of the situation?
I was really lucky, unlike many other women, to be able to go to my parents. I continued studying, that was a priority for me. Of course, I had to go to therapy afterwards because I had to learn a lot of things again. Even if it sounds stupid, I had to learn to stop feeling guilty when I go shopping alone, for example. I had three years of stalking behind me. That means when I broke up, he started the stalking thing four weeks later. That was a completely different fear than in the relationship because he also developed such aggressiveness towards me. The key moment was four days before our court date, when I was already driving very carefully. When I got out of the car he caught me and tried to drag me into the car. I was scared to death. Luckily I was able to get myself out of the situation. After the trial I didn’t hear from him again until my wedding day when he sent me a text saying: I hope you’re happy now.
What advice would you give other women who are in the same situation?
My advice to women who find themselves in such a situation is always very clear: write everything down if you can. Secretly in the cell phone, secretly in the diary. This is a documentation for later moments, also with the police and also with the authorities. You can inquire anonymously at the White Ring or at the telephone counseling service. Having a plan B, a packed bag, is also always a good option.
At the same time, you simply have to open society’s perspective more. If I see the neighbor every three days with sunglasses, a hood and maybe even a violet, then I should have the courage to talk to her, at a moment when it is not dangerous. This is crucial because if the woman knows she has an option, she is likely to choose it. But if she doesn’t know and feels alone and isolated, where will she get that strength? How does she know that the neighbor has her back? I mean, we all know that people look the other way. I think it is also important to say that not only women have to get out of this situation, but that society also has to help women have the courage to leave and then get help when they need help.
I think female empowerment is super important, but it has to start in the right places. Of course you can stand up and try to show the way, but for that we need a functional system and that only works through society and politics.