say yes to yourself, a whole philosophy!

Jeremstar took the plunge in 2017 and got married to… himself. Beyond a means of creating a buzz, he became the first man in France to practice self-marriage, following in the footsteps of the Italian Laura Mesi or even of the British Sophie Tanneur. For more than twenty years, the phenomena of sologamy and auto-marriage have been growing all over the world. Opening the door to marriage for singles, these life philosophies are far from selfish and should be taken seriously. Sologamy and self-marriage could in fact heal certain wounds, but also avoid denial of our emotional problems …

What is sologamy?

Movement rediscovered thanks to the legalization of marriages between people of the same sex, sologamy is the art of flourishing without depending on the other to live in happiness. This movement has spread across the world since the 90s. Turning its back on married life and traditional marriage, sologamy is a philosophy of life that aims for empowerment.

Often used as a solution to celibacy and childhood wounds that prevent relationships, sologamy allows you to focus on yourself and get to know yourself better. However, sologamy is not a long quiet river: our personality is in perpetual change, it requires focusing on its interiority and understanding its transformations in order to love each other little by little. The danger of this relational model being to indulge in solitude and no longer leave the door open to a romantic relationship.

Video by Romane Lepetit

Is sologamy a selfish relational model?

In the era of the selfie and the permanent sharing of our image on social networks, does the popularization of sologamy feed a form of selfishness and narcissism? No, because narcissism does not exist in sologamy. Indeed, in this relational model, we do not live through the perception of others and our love for our physical aspect. Narcissism is the opposite of sologamy, since a person with this character trait seeks to maintain excellent relationships with others, especially in love. Veronique kohn, psychologist, psychotherapist, lecturer and author confirms it: sologamy is not a question of selfishness either. On the contrary, it is a choice not to enter into a romantic relationship often made within the framework of a given temporary period. Most often, according to the psychotherapist, for a short time, the objective of not entering into a relationship being to consolidate one’s “self”: to rebuild oneself after a painful break-up, complicated relationships … The problem of vanity does not arise. therefore not pose.

Often the decision to become sologam, temporarily or more permanently, is caused by emotional pain. “If this choice is made for a definitive period, we must ask ourselves if this is not due to an injury from the past. In this case, it would be outright avoidance of the relationship for fear of suffering”, explains Véronique Kohn. Rupture, betrayal or even humiliation or violence would be the causes of these injuries. Thus, sologamy would be a way for many singles to lock themselves in a bubble and to mold a shell to protect themselves, for fear of being hurt again. The risk for our specialist would therefore be to get used to doing things alone.e is no longer being able to deal with the romantic relationship.

When auto-marriage becomes a defense mechanism

Before taking the plunge, here are some questions to ask yourself. Is my desire for self-marriage the consequence of a chaotic sentimental journey? Indeed, how many of us have already been injured and struggled to recover from a painful breakup? Between deception, manipulation or other forms of injury, many singles indulge in loneliness after having lived a chaotic experience of love. “Often people who choose this option have suffered in a romantic relationship, who have an emotional dependence or a breakup and no longer want to suffer by building themselves in loneliness”, teaches us the psychotherapist.

Another question, can we get married to ourselves when we lack self-confidence? According to a study carried out by OpinionWay and the Solidaris institute for the MGEN group, the self-image index drops among the French, dropping from 49.3 in 2019 to 48.6 in 2020. While narcissism or egoism are not part of the model of sologamy, can we for all that jump the step of marriage with ourselves if we do not trust us? For Véronique Kohn, yes, we can get married when we do not have confidence in ourselves, since these are symbolic rituals, but understanding that they are significant of a disillusion or a anticipation of suffering. In this, the expert explains that auto-marriage might not be a bad thing if it is done in such a way as to mark the end of an emotional addiction. But she cautions us not to stop her thinking there: “It has to remain a symbolic moment in a period of life to be able to move on.”

Moreover, can you go through a hardship by being married to yourself with the same strength as a married couple? Illness, loss of a child or even depression, we all go through difficult times in life. To face it, we need to be surrounded and supported. However, it can be through friends or family and not just a partner. Véronique Kohn adds that the problem of support is not really one. “The ordeal is experienced alone, in the case of Covid-19, for example: you are on the verge of death, you will be alone to live this experience in your body.”

Finally, isn’t a solo relationship or auto-marriage a way to overcome the weight of tradition through modernity? Who has never heard their family ask them if you are seeing someone, when are you going to get married or have children? Celibacy can be extremely burdensome at family meals, where the pressure of tradition and norms has faced. At 30, no children, no married, it is definitely that there is something wrong with you, can we think in the face of this pressure … Sologamy and auto-marriage would then be the solutions claimed by the sologams to thwart these problems. So you no longer have to look for your other half or predict when you will be married. Our expert notes that getting married to oneself is a survival strategy and a defense mechanism. What prompts some people to wave the flag of sologamy? This is indeed the case according to Véronique Kohn, either because they were traumatized in childhood at the level of the bond of emotional development with their parents, or because it is the disillusionment of the romance or the marriage of love. Who struck them If the norm does not work in order to be happy, it is better to deprive yourself of the link …

Video by Clementine Fitaire

Can we divorce or separate from ourselves?

No model is better than another. Auto-marriage is therefore not always rosy: like every relationship model, it has its ups and downs. Throughout your life, your tastes, your personality change. Being a Sologam means you will have to continually get to know and love yourself despite your mistakes and faults. It is constant work.

However, if sologamy no longer suits you, you cannot divorce or separate from yourself … Once you are self-married, to divorce yourself would mean no longer living with you and therefore, committing suicide. , which is obviously not the objective. On the other hand, once married to yourself, it would be beneficial to rebuild yourself to start a relationship with yourself or with another by being different, according to the psychologist, who adds:“It would be a way to get into the bond in another way by having healed his wounds.”.

Should marriage with oneself become legal?

In 2019, according to a study conducted by INSEE, 6000 same-sex marriages were celebrated. In an era where marriage for all is intensifying and is increasingly accepted despite reactionary inclinations, many sologams want to legalize auto-marriage. But what would it be for? According to Véronique Kohn, this would not add anything in particular, because “The real question would be whether we want someone or something to certify our marriage and what can be achieved with this certification”. Auto-marriage therefore remains a symbolic dynamic linked to the end of suffering and belongs to the domain of spirituality.

For the psychotherapist, the pressure of the family and of the social norm can play a role in the decision to become sologam, but it comes above all from suffering in connection with the romantic relationship. People who feel outside the norm, on the other hand, are not going to put themselves in categories. Those who do not wish to be in the norm will live in solitude by wish, without claiming it and will not close the door to meetings. To each his own way of reconciling with himself, the goal of a whole life ç