THE SEX ACCORDING TO MAÏA
Forty-four percent of women rarely or never initiate sex (Ipsos /Psychologies Magazine, 2016). In a society often described as hypersexualized, that number is puzzling, don’t you think? In fact, many couples come up against a certain feminine “reserve” in the private space… at the antipodes of the emergence on the public scene of the most intimate subjects.
This blockage arouses mountains of guilt: women blame themselves for lacking desire, or time, or enthusiasm – while having the impression that cultural injunctions not only require them to have sex, but also to feel a desire equivalent to that of men. For their part, the latter blame themselves for the insistence of their libido, while being referred to constant rejections, devastating for narcissism.
For the sociologist Jean-Claude Kaufmann, who has devoted an essay to this question, the blocking of female initiative comes above all from a biological differential: “ Women, in absolute terms, have no less desire than men. But it is a much more fluctuating desire, and which can sometimes be broken, especially when the couple settles down over time ” (Don’t feel like tonight, The Links That Liberate, 2020).
What changes when the couple settles down? Well, we get closer, we make family, and we get a Netflix subscription (don’t deny it) – and how do you get to someone who is already there? Let us also not forget the influence of mental load. Women often take the initiative in household chores, holidays, decoration … if it is necessary to add to their to-do list sexual initiative (to the point of overplaying fervor), some will prefer to throw in the towel. And their discouragement can be understood.
Attachment to feminine “purity”
Moreover, this difficulty in expressing one’s desire is not limited to the bedroom: it also concerns the phase of seduction. A new FIFG survey (in partnership with Love Advisor, published three weeks ago) brings out some masterful contradictions: three quarters of French women find it acceptable for a woman to flirt … but nine out of ten prefer men to take the first step.
How to explain this discrepancy? Personally, I would have cited an excellent reason: laziness. Why take the initiative when all you have to do is respond to that of others? In fact, 25% of those polled say they “don’t need” to flirt. But when they would like to do it, and they prevent themselves from doing so, it is above all out of shyness and fear of being rejected. It would be wrong to dismiss these explanations out of hand: in a culture that overvalues the attractiveness of women, it is emotionally very costly to see the limits of one’s power of seduction. Men also suffer when they are refused, of course. But they can be consoled by the idea that they are interesting, funny, prestigious, that they will improve as they age… so many consolations less accessible to women (whose value seems constantly reduced to their desirability).
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