Are you sometimes unsure how to meet people with disabilities? We explain which sentences you should rather avoid.
Communication is important when it comes to building a relationship with other people. A wrong word or a hurtful question can be enough not only to give the other person a bad feeling: the words can also trigger false associations and ideas in other people present.
People with disabilities know this problem only too well in their everyday lives. 7.9 million severely disabled people live in Germany (as of June 2020). And this applies to all ages and with all kinds of disabilities: they can be physical or cerebral – they can be congenital or the result of a later illness or accident. Here are a few phrases you’d better avoid.
1. “You are so inspirational”
Of course: People with disabilities can be inspirational. But this sentence is often used in connection with everyday things: Doing a job, having a family, a partnership or marriage – these are not inspiring things that a person with disabilities has achieved through special circumstances or an incredible effort. These are things that should be just as commonplace for them as they are for people without disabilities. Because every person can love, be loved or be successful.
2. “Slow down, buddy!” or “Do you have a license for the part?”
Remarks like these, addressed to people in wheelchairs, for example, are often well-intentioned. Even phrases like “That looks fun!” or “Can I take a ride there?” are often used in conjunction with trivializations such as “buddy” or “big guy”. The people concerned are usually long grown up. That’s why you should avoid such comments. People with disabilities are not automatically less able than people of the same age without disabilities.
3. “Yeah, I know that too”
Wanting to show empathy is generally always a nice idea. But when it comes to experiences with a disability, many cannot appreciate what the life of the other person really feels like. So when a person with a disability talks about what life is like for him or her, you should leave that phrase alone. Instead of downplaying each other’s experiences, saying “I think you’re doing great” can help put the situation in a positive light – and when things aren’t looking so rosy, a simple “I’m here for you” will suffice “.
4. He or she has “special needs”
The definition of a disability as “special needs” has been outdated for a while. The words were originally thought up by people without disabilities because they feared that the word “disability” would hurt people. But those affected usually only see the word as a neutral description. However, they rarely use “special needs” or “different ability”. Because the expressions do not apply: Your possibilities and abilities are not “special”, but logical consequences of your disability and they are just as diverse as those of other people. By the way: You are welcome to ask whether your counterpart prefers “people with disabilities” or “handicapped people”. It’s a question of what the person identifies with more. However, you should not use “Behinderte:r” without the addition “Human” because the word reduces people to this characteristic.
5. “Can you have sex?”
In fact, people with disabilities are confronted with this question, even though it is very personal and intimate. Others see people paralyzed or wonder if people with cerebral palsy have sexual desires at all. But that’s not something you should ask a person directly. Especially not how it works or what exactly is possible, because that clearly goes straight through the privacy wall with a sledgehammer. Some assume that people with and without disabilities cannot be together. They can freely love, marry or have children.
6. “I’m really sorry about that.”
It’s nice, but pity isn’t appropriate. Because people with disabilities don’t see their lives as terrible or a burden, and neither should we. Some of them have been living with their disability since birth. She is a part of them and therefore no one has to feel sorry for her. Because she’s just part of it. Instead, we should value the people we are talking to as human beings and show them that they are absolutely enough. how to do this With a simple, “You’re great just the way you are.”
7. “But I heard that…” or “Can’t you do it like that?”
People with disabilities are often not heard. Your opinions are not taken seriously or are ignored by others. In such cases, standing up for the person or offering your help can help to break through the paternalism of others. If she is a close confidante or relative, you can discuss such things with him or her beforehand. Sometimes it can help to know that someone is there to amplify your voice. And always keep in mind: Those affected simply know their own disability better than you.
8. “I often don’t even realize you have a disability”
These words are meant to build. But with this sentence, the following comes through: I overlook your disability, it doesn’t exist for me and that’s why you’re “normal” for me. Disabilities are something that people live with and identify with – and not in a negative sense either. Instead, a “Hey, I like you just the way you are” is a welcome alternative.
9. “How nice that you’re still so happy”
Even with a disability, people are allowed to be happy, sad, funny or angry. People without disabilities often assume that things are hard for them and that simple emotions are therefore something to be admired. But we should say goodbye to that. You should also avoid phrases like “despite the disability” or “although he or she is disabled”. They imply that the disability is a burden or a burden. People with disabilities are just as diverse and their lives just as worth living as that of people without disabilities.
Sources: YouTube/Jessica Kellgren-Fozard, YouTube/Squirmy and Grubs, YouTube/BBC Three, leidmedien.de, Federal Statistical Office