Not all breakups are amicable. Regardless of the reasons that led to a separation, it happens that the decision is made entirely by one of the two partners to the detriment of the other.
If this choice is often made for good reasons, it is not easy to announce to the one who made our heart beat that the relationship is over and that the feelings are no longer as strong, or even that they no longer exist. ‘exist no longer. Even more so when the person who hears the news still wishes to save a story which is already beginning its epilogue. In such circumstances, how can you go about taking full responsibility for your decision and not letting yourself be consumed by guilt? Elements of response with Véronique Kohn, psychologist specializing in romantic relationships.
How to communicate with your partner during a separation?
Faced with a partner reluctant to break up, It is important to show sincerity and communicate the reasons that push us to make this decision. To reach this step, a discussion with yourself is first necessary, but the process is not that simple. In reality, not everyone is open to it. “People often lack awareness and clarity about the reasons for the breakup, most of the time it is patterns, disappointed expectations, problems with social norms with expectations that are too high. They will say ‘I don’t love you anymore’ or bring up sex, and will stay on the surface“, explains Véronique Kohn. It is therefore difficult to have an honest conversation, yet this is the first step in a healthy breakup for both parties.
The separation does not have to be abrupt. Since the other person is not open to the idea of breaking up, it is better to proceed in stages and break up gently. The key here is empathy. For Véronique Kohn, this requires a certain understanding of the other and what they are. “We end up understanding how this person functions, why they come to behave the way they do and that they cannot do better than functioning this way.“, explains the psychologist. Thus, the decision is made with respect to oneself and others with a certain serenity and no room is left for regrets.
Learn to deal with guilt
However, The distress and sadness of a partner who is not in agreement with the ending of a story can hurt us and create a feeling of guilt. This feeling is not surprising, the situation itself being uncomfortable. Even more so when children come into the equation. How can we not have the feeling of abandoning each other and everything we have built together? But this state does not have to settle in as we generally make a decision that we believe is best for ourselves. “We can say to ourselves that a relationship makes us sick, so we prefer to end our relationship or our family life, but it is healthier for us.“, confirms Véronique Kohn. And putting yourself first should not be a burden.
The psychologist recommends couples therapy if, and only if, both partners believe in it. Because listening and understanding are also important for the person who does not want to break up. “If one of the two is resigned, there is no point in insisting, you cannot force a person who no longer believes in it“, reminds our expert. Anger will perhaps set in, it is one of the stages of mourning, and will even be necessary to calm down and overcome the breakup. Then the time will come to turn the page.
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