partnership
3 steps to setting healthy boundaries in relationships
© Stratford Productions / Adobe Stock
Setting boundaries in relationships does not drive us apart, but creates even more closeness. You can read here how you can do this.
When we think of borders, we first associate the term with something negative. It goes up to here and no further. If the:partner:steps one foot over the border, he:she will be penalized. That’s how we think. Boundaries in relationships are not an ultimatum that we give our partner, but a dialogue about the relationship. It’s about expressing each other’s needs and desires.
Why do we need boundaries in our relationships?
Whether in friendships or partnerships – healthy boundaries are important for a relationship in which everyone involved feels respected. Yet especially in romantic relationships, we tend to neglect this imposition of boundaries. Because doesn’t love actually stand for freedom and limitlessness? Not really. If we want to find true love, there may – no – there must be limits. Otherwise we lose ourselves, feel wronged and suffer. It sounds contradictory, yes With borders we do not create distance, but even more closeness.
Why do we find it difficult to set boundaries?
Early childhood experiences can hinder our social and emotional development. For example, if we had the feeling in our childhood that we had to do everything to please our parents, to get their attention and to be understood by them, we often take these behavior patterns with us into our romantic relationships. We may engage in things that we are not comfortable with just so as not to disappoint the other person. Without borders we lose ourselves. We believe every accusation, we are ashamed and no longer trust ourselves. Does that sound like true love? No not true. But the good thing is: We have so much power and strength within us that we can discard our behavioral patterns. It is important to understand that in principle it is not our counterpart who crosses a border, but rather we allow ourselves to cross our border. Sometimes we need a little help and new perspectives for this – and it is perfectly legitimate to take this support. If our car breaks down and we don’t know the exact cause, we end up having it examined and repaired by people who know how to do it.
3 steps to creating healthy boundaries
1. Identify needs and feelings
How do you feel when you don’t set limits? Are you hurt, sad, or upset when someone violates your boundaries? Write those feelings down and consider: Are they triggered by ignoring or not respecting similar boundaries in the past? Perhaps you will see a pattern that repeats itself. Always remember that there is no reason to blame yourself or anyone else. We are all human beings who make mistakes because in most cases we don’t know any better. It is all the more important to reflect on ourselves and treat others with respect.
2. Create boundaries
If you could create a new frontier, what would it look like? How would you feel if this new boundary could be set? You can always start small by thinking of one thing that could be changed and start implementing it.
3. Talk to others about boundaries
Talk to others about this boundary and why it is so important to you. Be honest and direct and don’t blame the other person when you talk about a boundary. It’s about building trust with another person. You can also use this boundary to explain your story. That creates closeness and trust. Note that not every person will respond to your need to set this boundary. Some people aren’t as far along as you are. Respect that, give them time, and let go when you realize your boundaries aren’t met with understanding.
Setting healthy boundaries takes time
It always involves a lot of work to deal with yourself, to recognize behavioral patterns and to realize that some people are not the right companions at this stage of our lives. Sometimes you might get to a point where it’s easier to give up. But all this work will pay off. The more you find yourself and spend time with yourself and your needs, the more likely you are to attract people who love you. The way you are. Not in spite of your limits, but because them. In the end, it’s not our borders that rob us of our freedom because they wall us in. It is the limits that set us free. Liberation from all the constraints that our environment so often wants to burden us with.
Source used: psychologytoday.com