Have you ever used sex to recover from an argument? Reconciliation sex is quite common. It can be described as more exciting and more intense than normal. But is it really healthy?
Who has never been seized with a burning desire during or after an argument with their other half? The reconciliation sex, or "Make-up sex" as it's called in English, doesn't just happen in movies. It is even a fairly common phenomenon which could be explained by hormonal and neurobiological factors. Reconciling sexually following an argument reaffirms your desire, your passion, and your connection to one another. Reconciling on the pillow, a great classic that has good but also perverse effects.
The argument, booster of libido?
In real life, too, quarrels can be followed by sexual intercourse. Sometimes there is only a small step from anger to powerful desire. There are several reasons for this excitement. First, the state of excitement is transferred from one situation to another. Indeed, fear and anger can be confused with sexual desire. In the brain, the same areas are activated, the same hormones are released and the same bodily signals, such as a more pronounced heartbeat, are felt. In 1974, scientists created an experiment, known as the “love bridge,” where men had to cross a bridge to talk to a woman – and after the conversation she gave them her phone number. In the case of a frightening and vertiginous bridge, 50% of the men recalled the woman. In the case of a bridge placed a few tens of centimeters from the ground, only 12% picked up their phone. Conclusion: the more we are afraid, the more sexually excitable we are.
Another possible explanation: the fact of living together increases intimacy, closeness and familiarity. Arguments create distance, tension, insecurity and vulnerability. So the emotional distance created by an argument can allow that separation that we need to see the other from a different point of view, to rekindle desire. Conflict and the fear of losing our partner can get our adrenaline pumping and create a need for instant closeness. And what better than sex to get closer?
Strengthen ties after an argument
During an argument, our body releases hormones like norepinephrine, testosterone, dopamine, and glucocorticoid – which can lead to a more intense sexual experience. The hormones that are released during sex – prolactin, oxytocin, and dopamine – can counteract these stressors. "The hormones that circulate during tension and during the act may be hormones that respond to each other and help relieve the tension.", analyzes Claire Alquier, sexologist and couple therapist. So there is a feeling of relief once the argument is over. If sex does not work miracles, it can nevertheless strengthen the bonds of the couple after a discussion, as the expert points out. "Reconciliation sex allows partners to calm down, to find each other and has good sides when a real connection occurs", explains the sex therapist. “The sex act will both fix the hitch and end a dispute. It can be a way to get together in an intimate way after having laid things down ”. After resolving a conflict, you then feel happy and relieved, which can make sex even more emotionally satisfying. It is a physical way of reaffirming your mutual affection without words, which can be very intense.
See : find out the main reason for couple arguments
The perverse effects of "reconciliation sex"
However, the practice of "make-up sex" can pose some problems. "The perverse effect that this can have is that unconsciously or semi-consciously, we will cause moments of tension to make love", decrypts Claire Alquier. "There are couples in whom we see that it is a real driver of sexuality. There is something very strong playing out around reparative sexuality, which will do good, but the trap is to identify this pattern as being the only functional pattern. As if the dispute became an exit from "preliminary" ", she adds. Making love doesn't solve everything. For some couples, sex acts as a distraction and the issues are never really addressed. For the sex therapist, this practice should not act as a palliative: “We have to have been able to talk about the problems, that we can talk about them again and that it does not become a taboo subject”. “If the answer to subjects that annoy is sex to cut it short, we will tend to systematize. And systematization, whatever it is, is not good ", warns the expert. The sex equation should be able to occur at other times, when both of you are relaxed, when you want to make yourself feel good. "If it is only the engine of tension that creates sexuality, we can consider that there is a problem", alert the sex therapist. “Sometimes you just don't see that you are written into scripts. If you notice that moments of sexuality only come after tension, you have to ask yourself some questions: is this the best way to boost your libido? Is this the only way to have sex? And why are we locked in this pattern? ". It will then be necessary to get professional help so that you both can communicate to resolve your issues.
Bottom Line: We say yes to sex after an argument, as long as the partners discuss their issues and reconcile before going to the bedroom.
Thanks to Claire Alquier, sex therapist and couple therapist, clairealquier.com