In our society, sex seems to be only for young, fit people. As if this just stops as soon as you are over fifty and have the first gray pubic hair. Gynecologist Sheila de Liz explains.
Let's get to a topic that some people probably think doesn't exist: sex in old age. Damn it, we invented sex in the car or after the student party in the eighties and now perfected it over the years. One hell of a thing we'll do and let that be, am I right?
But what can you actually expect when the last period has passed and the last pack of tampons has been bought – forever? One hears of fluctuating libido, of extinguished libido, but also of a libido on fire, of men with erectile dysfunction and sexless marriages.
Sex Lie # 1: Women over fifty no longer want to have sex and are happy when it's "over".
An interesting French study examined attitudes of perimenopausal and postmenopausal women towards sex. It turns out that many women over fifty are still having as much sex as they were before, with the same repertoire being developed alongside penetrative sex. But when it came to the question of whether three months of abstinence from sex would be a problem for the relationship, the women under fifty agreed, the women over fifty with hormone replacement also found it problematic; only women over fifty who were not taking hormones thought three months without sex was no cause for alarm in a relationship. It seems that hormone levels affect how we rate sex! Several studies have already shown that hormone replacement can have a positive effect on the sexuality of postmenopausal women.
Sex Lie # 2: Older people stop fiddling with each other.
An Australian study put it in a nutshell: despite all the adversities, women's sexuality remains fluid even after menopause and is not set in stone. Nothing is black and white! You're not either asexual or a “sexy oldie”, but a lot depends on the context: whether the partnership is right, how you feel, whether you've just broken up or are freshly in love – all of this plays a role. The definition of what sex actually is is not on the table in all surveys: many consider conventional, penetrative sex alone to be real sex. If it doesn't work because she is in pain because he cannot keep his erection, many consider it a "sex failure". That is certainly wrong! In many surveys, older women have indicated that they like to masturbate or have oral sex – often beyond the age of seventy! The repressive old-school sex education of the older generations is always a problem, so that many older women are ashamed to talk about sex, even among themselves. I keep observing that in my practice that my patients cannot confide in anyone. Many of their acquaintances or friends say that they have no problems having sex or that it no longer plays a role and they are happy about it. Most women, however, want more information about sex in old age and feel abandoned by doctors and society about it. We know that sexuality plays a crucial role in maintaining the health of the genitals: the more sex you have, the softer, moister and better supplied with blood everything stays.
When it comes to your vagina: Use it or lose it! Women who continuously have a lot of sex have significantly fewer problems with their vagina and continue to feel at home in their bodies.
Sex Lie # 3: Sex is like riding a bike … even beyond fifty.
So what can you do to keep your sex life alive? In addition to adequate hormone replacement and a healthy lifestyle, it is important to remain sexually active. Be it with your husband, your lover or with yourself. In my practice, I hold most of the consultations about sex toys with older women! In my opinion, a vibrator belongs in every well-equipped household, and anyway if you still want to have sex. Many who have sex again for the first time in years – we all know the saying about riding a bike and that you never forget it – are shocked and disappointed when it hurts. This can easily be the case, especially if the vagina has been hormone-deficient for a long time: then the vaginal atrophy has developed over the years and the entrance can also be very shrunk. Just as you wouldn't ask anyone who was in a wheelchair for years and are now learning to walk again to go on a Saturday shopping tour of IKEA, you can't ask your vagina to perform without any problems after years of abstinence. This can work, but it can also end in pain and disappointment.
Dr. med. Sheila de Liz, born 1969 in New Jersey, came to Germany at the age of 15 and studied medicine in Mainz. Since 2006 she has been working in her own practice for gynecology and obstetrics in Wiesbaden.
"Woman on Fire" was published by Rowohlt-Verlag and costs 16 euros.
