Beyond 40 you know what you want. And no longer wants. This also applies to love and sex in old age. That makes life sometimes difficult, sometimes lonely, but also happier.
I can not do anything against the dents on my butt, “says Astrid Schulz, 49. The North German, who lives in London and works as a costume designer at the National English Opera, has recently become critical of her body.” That started when I got up a party was presented to a good-looking younger man who just looked through me. As if I were air. That was bitter. ”
The attractive blonde had previously been with a 20-year-old cancer researcher for three years, unable to relate to women of his age.” They’re all boring, you can not talk to them, “she said he always. That’s what kept us together – our deep conversations and good sex, He was only 25 when that started with us. We were very much in love. ”
The relationship broke up because her friend’s family of Indian descent wanted grandchildren.” I could not have any more children, “says Astrid Schulz,” I fought for him. But he left, and I stayed behind with my slack body and tiredness because there were no stimulating conversations and no great sex anymore. “
Since then, Astrid has put everything to the test. She recently sought fashionable outfits for a modern opera for 15 performers in central London. The clothes she dragged herself in large bags to the rehearsal. “That’s when I came to my limits, I no longer have the energy of youth, for the first time I felt frail, my knees hurt terribly.” Despite the prestige success she sat at home in the evening and was “completely finished”. That made her think.
“I do not want a younger man anymore, but one who is at my level and with whom I can share my interests,” explains Astrid Schulz. And admits, “I’m suffering from inferiority complexes since the 50’s approach.” She was shocked when she recently looked for a smart pair of glasses and came to an optometrist who murmured that chic is not so important when you get older. “That went through and through, because I looked younger and younger when I went to study at 31 when I was 31. I was immortal! My first husband was nine years younger, another three.” Age difference was not a big issue since I was The men were jealous, some had a hard time with me not being adapted and in bed I was always demanding. Sex is a language, and in that I want to interact with my partners. That did not always work out. “
And now? Astrid sighs. “Cellulite, vibrator, fear of lack of moisture in the vaginal area, lubricating cream, sexual frustration.” Her last affair was pretty sad. “The guy put his hands on me right away, he just wanted to put his dick in me quickly, because he could not hold his erection for long, but that’s not how you handle a woman’s body!” I like that chaste phase before that Sex: slowly approach the other, look at each other, increase the excitement.
Is that over now? “The future looks more gloomy for Astrid, but she is also pickier.” I do not need as much sex as I did years ago. I’m looking for a man with whom I can have good conversation. Everything else will arise. “It was just stupid that the men of their age were under pressure.” Do not say: 1000 shots, then it’s over !? I have already met some who have long ago blundered everything. “Astrid’s wish:” Continue to have fun in life. “Her heartfelt desire:” I wish to experience the sensuality of old age, but I have yet to learn, ” she admits.
I have always lived with women
Christian Wehse, 57, sees this differently. Basically comfortable, almost stoically, his retrospective fails: “The years passed, no trace of aging.” The educator was taken to management. The Bielefeld native, who has been living in Berlin since 1982 , first opened a company with 40 chefs who supplied businesses with mobile food. After the turnaround, he converted the former GDR “Pioneer Republic” at the Brandenburger Werbellinsee with up to 350 employees into a modern recreation park, a multi-million project. Today, Christian Wehse runs a construction company and has been single for the first time in three decades.
“I have never married, no children, but always lived with women,” he says. “Twelve years with an SPD member of parliament, until she caught me with a lover, then a long time with a Hungarian, in between with other women.” Now I’m alone for the first time in a long time, but I’m not made for that because I’m a carer That pleased all women. ” What he could give to a female being in respect and homage, in love energies and lust, evaporates. When he recently tried to work with a much younger contemporary, he was booted. “Everything went well, we got closer, until she suddenly said: Think about how old you are, we should not go into that!”
That gave Christian a hurried midlife crisis. “I play tennis, I was always slim.” Now he suddenly sees his gray mottled curly hair in the mirror, held by a hoop, and uses an anti-wrinkle cream. That he “currently has no sex”, alienates him. He always liked Martin Luther’s rule: “Twelve in the week, doing in the year 104, does no harm to you or her.”
Christian founded an “Institute for Life”. First with himself as a single member, but in the future like to be together with others. He dreams of life in the countryside. “I eat well, move a lot and live well, I have two houses, some fortune and I do not need to work anymore, I can afford a nice old-age farm, but I do not like it as a stray single again stationed with a partner. ” Why did he leave the women he was with? “Well, at some point they were not the ones I once loved.” But he insists that everyone with whom he once shared a table and a bed is still friends with him.
Like Lola, Christian Wehse’s most exciting love. A five-year-old Berlin doctor with whom he had been dating for eight years. He is in constant contact with her, even if not in a relationship. “No more sex, that’s over.” He meets her once or twice a week, they visit her hangout near the Kurfürstendamm, he drives her to the golf course, she accompanies him when he needs shirts and pants. “We are a well-rehearsed team.” It may be due to his phlegmatic temperament that it goes so well with the bustling doctor. “There’s no everyday life at Lola, it’s all about the role every night, and there’s always something going on at the weekend, she can not sit still, I let myself be carried away, and then I have to recover from sleep.”
The paradox: Both spend a lot of time together. “But we suffer from our being alone,” says Christian. “We understand each other well, my principle has always been openness and honesty, and Lola respects that, even though she is sometimes jealous when another woman comes into play.” Christian Wehse has already generously planned with his “Geronto concept”: “If I take care of the farm, Lola can come out with it. Gerontology was once part of his education. If not everything is different. For Christian Wehse attends nightly parties, he wants “sex as long as the playboy Rolf Eden, even if pharmaceutical must be upgraded”. With his appearance, he makes an impression, “my dentist has earned me a golden nose”. However, his temporary memory loss causes him problems. “We were in a musical recently, but I do not remember the title or the content, which scares me.” Only with Lola it is clear that, no matter which woman still crosses his path, she will be in the refuge farmhouse. “I will not forget that.”
Wine graduate Emily Albers, 58, claims to have no problem with aging. Only with men who do not age. She lived with a shipping specialist in Hamburg for a long time, until she left – because of a younger Cypriot, with whom he is now married. Emily Albers can not pin it down well. The daughter of emigrants was born in Montevideo, Uruguay, a part of her family lives in Argentina, and she goes there every year “to feel herself, there are women still female, there is a clear role allocation, that makes everything easier” , she says. And she could have been married for a long time, but she does not want to live in Latin America again.
In 1958 she came to Bremen, studied in Hamburg and now runs her own PR agency specializing in wine mediation. “What I miss blatantly is the natural mating behavior of people in the South, when my Argentine cousins are celebrating a celebration or inviting them to dinner, they’re wondering who they ask who should sit next to whom, so I’ve got some interesting ones It can happen, but not necessarily, everything happens in a relaxed atmosphere. “
Only in Germany would the opportunities be lower, complains Emily. In Hamburg, there are no meetings of people to whom couples and singles are invited, couples prefer to stay among themselves, these people do not want to broaden their radius of life . “
It can not be the look of her, says Emily Albers, that she will not be able to connect. “I’m very body conscious, that’s what my mother does, and charm is about attitude and discipline.” She keeps herself in shape with yoga, as a wine connoisseur with many diplomas she never drinks more wine than she can tolerate, “and I have good genes”. She avoids the fat-talk of women of her age comparing thigh strength, and she only participates in old-talk when she is forced to do so by her friends. “I have no stomach, no bulges, hardly any cellulite, and my forehead wrinkle is not a deep ditch,” says Emily Albers. But: “I can not find the right man!” She dreams of a fellow “who is internationally knowledgeable, speaks languages, travels with me,
That is an enormous expectation. “Yes, I know,” Emily kisses. “But my father was like that, my parents lived that way, they are my great role models.” She admits to look more at younger men than those of her age. She makes wine tastings four days a month. “The men in the office look at me, flirting, even 20 years younger, but only on the level of sympathy It is soothing to experience that I’m not quite ticked off as a woman.”
Emily’s sexual desire is unbroken, but she has not shared her with a man for years. “Maybe I’ve already tasted it completely, and that’s it,” she muses. Ten seconds later: “No, that can not be!” Emily does not want to complete the dating portal marathon. “Why are there no salons for women and men like me where we can get to know each other in a relaxed atmosphere? That would be a great business idea!” She only has hope, she calls it “sensible perseverance”.
Interview: The Berlin writer Iris Hanika, 50, about the love of aging
What is the difference between eroticism and sex between young and older people?
Iris Hanika: In youth, the instinct is brutal nature, it is the reproductive machinery. Later, beyond the 40’s, it’s caring. In youth, only a minor form of love, it becomes the main thing. Not just for women, also for men.
In your book “Dancing on Concrete”, you write that as you grow older you “lose the dull, general urge, it’s no longer about sex, it’s about connecting with a certain person”.
Man counts more than sex. And when there is no more sex, it is sometimes remembered that it exists, but without despair. That’s just a passing thought while driving and of the same value as not eating pizza for a long time.
They write sentences in the almost biblical language: “Everything one does to be loved is done in vain, yet all that one does out of love is well done and everlasting.” Selbsttröstung?
No, age wisdom.
In your book, loneliness is the omnipresent blemish of aging.
We are all alone. It is well known that one can be grotesquely alone in a marriage. And of course, when a relationship comes to an end, you are even more alone because your attempt to be no more has failed.
Why do you want a man?
Because it is not good to be alone. As the Bible says: “Two are better than one alone … Because when they fall down, one sets up the other.” That is vital, that’s why we need another at our side.
And if it does not work?
You should never give up. Once you have decided to find out what it is that complains, so you decide to take responsibility for yourself, you feel better immediately. I think that’s the real miracle.