It’s not uncommon for the lightness in your sex life to disappear over time. Here’s how couples can bring some excitement back into the bedroom.
In many long-term relationships it can happen that the sex life loses liveliness and ease. What was exciting and fulfilling in the beginning can turn into routine and boring over time. How do you wake up an intimate life that has fallen asleep – together with your partner? Sexologist Jana Welch shares in her erotic playbook “Sex that connects” (available from May 22nd, Goldmann Publishing) 30 tried-and-tested hands-on adventures for couples.
In an interview with the news agency spot on news, Welch explains why fewer and fewer couples are having fulfilling sex, how couples can incorporate more eroticism into their everyday lives and how they can deal with different fantasies.
“Sex that connects” is the title of your book. Does good sex really play such a big role in a relationship? And why?
Jana Welch: It’s wonderful that you say good sex. For me that means – I have sex and feel connected to my partner at the same time. It can be so much more than just the same old boring game.
In my book, I describe ways to transform your sex so that you feel close and connected again. Or how to become a sexual couple again. If sex is good for both (!), it becomes the glue of a relationship. You feel alive, vital, satiated and, in the best case scenario, deeply satisfied. We forgive more, we get angry less and we feel not just like mom or dad – but as sexual beings. The feeling of being wanted (not pressured) can make our day.
Important: if both agree that they don’t want to have sex with each other and both are fine with that, then that’s OK and can work well. Only if one of them longs for something else can sex go from being the most wonderful thing in the world to being the biggest burden for a couple.
A sexologist can help with this – and because not all couples come to my practice, my practice comes to people’s homes in the form of a book.
Why do you think more and more couples are having less sex?
Welch: We live in an extremely performance-oriented society. We have to perform everywhere. But people prefer to relax in the evening, lie lazily on the sofa and do nothing other than press their remote control. Therefore, in my opinion, a redefinition of “making sex” is needed. For most people, sex still means penetration. So the whole often strenuous program. It’s best to come and do it in five minutes. There’s so much pressure on the blanket, expectations are high and pressure to perform is rampant. There is hardly any difference between work and the bedroom. And honestly…who wants that?
So I think it would make sense to change “having sex” to “playing sex” and to make sex smaller. That could look like this: “Honey, I don’t feel like penetration today – but it would be nice if you would gently touch my vulva.” Suddenly sex would not be exhausting, but an energizing resource that fits the situation. I would much prefer that to couples having sex just to have it again – basically doing it listlessly as a job by the book.
In my book I describe ways in which you can be close to yourself in a “different” way – even when you feel tired and exhausted.
Your book contains 30 challenges for couples. Why did these 30 adventures make it into the book?
Jana Welch: Ha, that’s a good question. Some challenges were clear from the start – they had to be simple because they are so important and lay the foundation for an erotic relationship and ensure that the man can last longer.
I chose the challenges so that they build on each other in a certain way, but can also be played separately. I wanted to show the wide spectrum of sexuality. Everything from slow sex to bondage is included. But as I said, it’s never about any particular positions, but rather about the many facets of intimacy. There are six other authors involved, all of whom are also experts in their field. It was a great collaboration and I am very grateful to be able to bring together so many interesting experts in one book.
You write that the reasons for lack of desire can also lie outside of bed, for example in everyday life. Do you have five tips on how couples can incorporate more eroticism into their everyday lives?
Welch: The thing is relatively simple: If I don’t feel wanted all day, I just do chores, then cook and look after the kids and my partner only sees me as a companion, it could be that I don’t feel like doing anything in the evening have any physicality. Maybe I’m even angry or upset because many things didn’t turn out the way I imagined.
So here are five little tips on what you could change quickly:
Talk to each other at the edge of your comfort zone
Sleeping naked – mobile phones from the bedroom
Kiss with tongue once a day – preferably with your eyes open
Be careful when greeting someone – take your time, stand up, hug each other (for at least 40 seconds) and look at each other. No more mom/dad kisses on the cheek.
Makes everything slower
Speaking of everyday life: Many people have little time for sex in addition to their job, children, hobbies, household chores, etc. Do you think it’s a good idea to explicitly set aside times for intimacy? And how much time should couples set aside each week for their intimate life?
Welch: Why not? I think it’s a wonderful idea to date. Many people are worried that spontaneity will then be lost. I always have to smile – because this spontaneity hasn’t existed for a long time anyway.
So – I think appointments are great – but the same applies here: the goal is in the way. Anyone who understands that sex without a goal can be so much more beautiful has already won. There is something wonderful about spending an erotic evening together. You can try out many of my challenges here. If you still have doubts, you should think about affairs – usually all dates are planned for the long term and are still exciting.
How important is good and open communication during sex? How can couples improve their communication?
Welch: Rightly so, every sex guide probably says on the first page: Talk to your partner. If only it were that easy. Surprisingly, we often find it much more difficult to talk about sex with our partner than with our best friend. Over time, sex becomes a taboo topic. You talk about sex that others have or don’t have – but talking about your own sexual needs is not learned. In my book I reveal the ten golden rules of communication. Here are three tips:
Mindful listening is the best. Here’s a little challenge: set the timer for three minutes. One person speaks – one person listens attentively. Just listen and don’t comment. If you’re always talking, you won’t learn anything new!
Learn to reconcile
Eliminate words like “always” and “never” from your vocabulary. They leave little room for change.
How can couples deal constructively with different sexual preferences and fantasies?
Welch: Every person is unique – and so is their sexuality. We all have our own fantasies and ideas, and that’s a good thing and adds spice to our erotic lives. It’s important to understand that I can keep my preferences and fantasies, they don’t necessarily have to be fulfilled by my partner – they are there and can and should be communicated.
Only when they are on the table can my partner decide whether he or she wants to go along with it. Maybe I need to explain my wish, my fantasy, better, make it more appealing or seduce my partner. If my loved one still doesn’t want to, that’s OK – but it doesn’t mean that I can’t continue to find my fantasy hot.
It is important that both are willing to leave their usual routine – because that is the only way to start playing.
If you could give one tip for a more fulfilling sex life, what would it be?
Welch: After I’ve just written 385 pages about a fulfilling sex life – really difficult. But probably something like “get out of your head and into your feelings” or “just give yourself more time”.