Detrans people
When doubts suddenly arise after gender reassignment surgery
© LightField Studios / Shutterstock
She wanted to live as a man. Nele took testosterone and had her breasts amputated. But then her doubts came.
The discomfort began with puberty. "I didn't understand why I should suddenly cover my breasts," recalls Nele. "And of course I found them stupid." The rejection of her female body grows, but outwardly she adapts. Long blonde hair, short floral dress: that's how she smiles from her high school graduation photo. "Make yourself pretty, be popular with the boys – I noticed that as a woman that was expected of me."
Hatred of one's own body
The cut, as she calls it, comes when she is 19 when she realizes she's into women. However, she shies away from the term "lesbian": "Bisexual seemed safe to me." She experiences shaving off her hair as a liberation. But she only questions her insides when she comes across the topic of trans identity while doing internet research on how she could get rid of her unloved breasts. Could it be that she was born in the wrong body? She is not really sure.
At the same time, she is getting worse and worse: She develops a severe eating disorder, has suicidal thoughts, injures herself. A year later, she decides to transition. She came out as a peer and started taking testosterone a few months later. "Actually, I wasn't psychologically able to make such a decision back then," says Nele today. "And what I got from the therapist was not what I needed." Nevertheless, she does not reproach him – after all, he only adhered to the so-called trans-affirmative approach, i.e. encouraged it without questioning. Even before the operation, in which her breasts were removed, she was "200 percent" sure: "I was looking forward to it and was totally happy afterwards. Certainly I would make a different decision today, but a part of the body that I couldn't believe I hated is no longer there. It's a relief. To this day I have nightmares that I have breasts again. "
But the doubt grows. Peer met Eliott, they fall in love. Eliott is also a trans man, but soon lives again as Ellie after she stopped taking male hormones primarily due to health problems. "We have discussed a lot about whether you are really born in the wrong body and whether the transition is actually just a correction," says Nele. "And I asked myself: If I wasn't transgender by birth, why would I have wanted to transition? Suddenly the answers were simple: Because I hated my body – including through male behavior and sexual harassment. And because I never did had female role models. " Nele is certain that her story would have been different if she had grown up with a more diverse role model. "I'm an illustrator, but as a woman I only said, I draw pictures‘. It was only as a man that I saw myself confidently as a professional. Today I can question that and, since I am living as a woman again, I can take myself seriously. "
A high price
One of the things that won't change, even after Nele has stopped taking testosterone for several months, is her voice. It's deeper, rougher, and somehow more monotonous than you would expect from a young woman. Nele makes that sad: "I have always liked my voice and also liked to sing. I can no longer do that. During the transition I was sure: I will give up my voice in order to be able to live as a man. Now I wish I could didn't have to pay that price. " Why then has she not yet done voice training in order to speak at least a little higher and "more feminine"? "That would change my body again to conform to what a woman is supposed to be like. And I'm through with that."
In the meantime, Ellie and Nele have launched the "Post Trans" project: "We don't want to prevent anyone from transitioning. But we want to make it clear that there is also the possibility of negative effects. That shouldn't be a taboo." Does she feel remorse? "Not really. In the situation I was in then, the transition was my salvation. I did what I could to survive. Of course I wish it hadn't happened, but in the end it got me where I am now. "
Nele, 24, and her friend Ellie collect stories of Detrans people who, like them, have returned to their birth sex.
You can find more information about trans identity at post-trans.com.
Would you like to read more about the topic and exchange ideas with other women? Then take a look at the "Personality Forum" BRIGITTE community past!
Get the BRIGITTE as a subscription – with many advantages. You can order them directly here.