Sexologist Jana Welch: Nothing against a quickie!

… but that would be like taking just one dish from a huge buffet. Says sexologist and sex therapist Jana Welch. A conversation about rediscovering sensuality.

BRIGITTE: Some time ago, a sex toy manufacturer in Germany called for the “Gender Masturbation Gap” to be closed. Empowerment through desire, less dependency on a partner – do you like that?

Jan Welch: I am in between. For some, being able to cum with a vibrator for the first time is a real eye-opener. But: Modern vibrators promote a targeted, result-oriented type of masturbation. I have more and more women in my practice who complain about coming too quickly and too soon. As one would rather attribute it to men.

What is the problem?

Nothing against a quickie, whether alone or in pairs. But if it’s always about getting to your destination quickly, it’s like always taking the same dish from a gigantic buffet. In addition, when the vibrator becomes my best friend, my body gets used to these high sensory stimuli. But a penis doesn’t vibrate. Under certain circumstances, my partner then feels left behind and irrelevant.

But should I just put my lust in the hands of others?

No, masturbation is a wonderful thing, both what I call “self-lovemaking” and a training ground for couple sexuality. If I want to play in an orchestra, I first have to master my solo instrument well. But I can only do that if I’m willing to get to know my vulva and vagina better. If I allow myself to move more in self-love, to touch more consciously, to make sounds, I get to know my body better and can also better control desire and arousal in couple sexuality.

This requires space and time. In everyday life, however, we tend to make to-do lists and tick them off. A threat to sex and sensuality?

Often it’s just about performance, with the solo number as in relationships: sex once or twice a week, check mark on it, everything’s okay with us. As if it were a matter of frequency. It can be more sensual to have a big love festival once a month, to really engage with each other, aimlessly, aimlessly, than to pull off the same standard act every few days. I often tell people in my counseling: I don’t want you to make love, but play love. Also in everyday sexuality in between.

What do you mean, everyday sexuality?

It starts very small. It amazes me when I see how couples greet each other: kisses, slaps on the back. There is no present contact at all. It can be very sexy to look into each other’s eyes for ten seconds. Or French kissing each other without anything else developing from it. Or an announcement like: I don’t feel like penetration tonight, but I would like to be petted by you. But that takes a lot of courage.

Do we find it easier these days to talk about our needs?

I’m afraid not. Although openness is suggested to the outside, there is often a great deal of loneliness behind it, also in relationships. She takes the vibrator, he takes the porn to avoid the intimate conversation. We still choke on shame, fear of being judged or, at worst, abandoned.

And how do you start talking?

First of all, about a language that both feel comfortable with. What words do I have for my genitals, for my sexuality? And here again, you need a framework, space and time. Be curious, loving, listening. If I don’t like something, don’t immediately ward it off, but empathize, ask questions, keep avenues open. In terms of communication, I think we can learn a lot from people who prefer different styles.

For example?

I once met a couple of women on a TV recording, they impressed me because they were so sensual and so careful with each other. Straight couples often have these pre-determined patterns in mind, for example that the man has to have a hard penis all the time and end up cumming. Much would be gained if we could free ourselves from these fixed ideas. If both sides could be both, sometimes purposeful, sometimes playful, sometimes unintentional, sometimes fast, sometimes slow.

Jan Welch coaches people using the “Sexocorporel” method, both in her Hamburg consulting practice and online (welch-sexologie.de)

Bridget

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