Sexual affair: Of lust and contradictions

If you tie up with someone else behind your partner's back, this is called an affair. If you don't wish anyone, it happens to some. The story of a liaison full of contradictions.

All of my friends have already asked me how nice it is that Vicky and I seem so newly in love as a couple. Ever since I had an affair with someone else. That my wife doesn't know anything about. Most of my friends don't either. Since the beginning of the year I have not been loyal to her after nine years.

Cheated woman – guilty conscience on board

I am a Spanish teacher at a high school in a large East German city and I also give private lessons. Suddenly it sparked – so that no wrong impression arises: The student who is at stake, Sanne, has just turned 40, I'm in my mid-40s, my wife is in her early 30. The two couldn't be more different: one quietly, the other loud, the one of a delicate nature, the other rather the type "solid landlady". As complicated as living together with Vicky is sometimes, everything is uncomplicated with Sanne. She's been single for years and not unhappy with it. And I had forgotten how much confirmation and positive feedback you get from the other at the beginning of a relationship, apart from all the desire and lust. I couldn't get enough of it at all and at first just enjoyed my new role as a secret super lover.

My new love for Sanne seemed to be carried over to Vicky, and we functioned perfectly as a couple again. I was much more relaxed with her, and gave in to discussions more quickly and more readily. And with her sometimes hesitant and cerebral manner, which made me white-hot in the past, I was suddenly able to handle very confidently. All this relaxed the situation at home immensely. But – and it was clear to me after two months: From a purely moral point of view, of course, that is absolutely not possible. Or maybe yes? After all, three people were happier now than before. Was that so wrong now? I took advice from my best friend. Fortunately, she did not judge me, only gave two things to consider. On the one hand, nobody slips into an intact relationship – that's right, I could only agree with that, because there were obviously gaps in supply and needs that were not met. On the other hand: If the relationship with Vicky only lasts because Sanne was added as a balancing element, then that is at least questionable. Indeed it was, alarming. Somehow I hadn't seen it like that before. So did I need Sanne to make my life with Vicky work?

At the latest when my wife and I crouched on each other every day due to Corona, I realized that my best friend is right. What I missed in my wife, I got from Sanne – and vice versa. If I was with one, I was drawn to the other. And so euphoria and lightness gradually crept out of the affair. I started to wonder what the hell am I doing here? The answer was very simple: I cheated on my wife. After the first intoxication and the spring feeling, the guilty conscience was on board. I told myself I had to make up my mind, right now, so I put myself under pressure. Should I give up my home for the years with Vicky? Or should I leave Sanne? After years of being alone, she can cope better with a breakup than Vicky, with whom I have been connected for almost a decade. I didn't want to leave my wife at all. But neither does Sanne. And so the back and forth in my head really started.

Lies as self-protection

What kind of stupid considerations were those ?! To weigh up with whom to cause less damage? And then decide who to leave? Do you have to make a decision at all? My mind kept revolving around this one subject. I chewed on it like a dog on a bone until there was only porridge in my head, and I felt like Peter Fox when he sings in the song "Head lost": "Pressure in the head, there is no valve, 20,000 Played through scenes, thought out 100,000 scenes. My hellish skull smokes and cracks … "At this point I was so used to lying that I hardly recognized myself.

At the next meeting with my best friend, I almost crawled, I was ashamed of my behavior, felt like an asshole – also towards Sanne. Surprisingly, she did not understand that at all and said that I was not fooling Sanne into leaving my wife. I actually didn't. And she noted that maybe Sanne could meet another man if I wasn't enough for her. I was stunned. My inner voice almost roared: No way! Unthinkable! I denied this possibility so vehemently and indignantly that my friend had to laugh out loud. At least then it was clear to me: I measure with two standards. When I also talked about a Sunday excursion with Sanne to the Baltic Sea, my otherwise understanding friend broke the collar. And I no longer understood the world. She accused me of suddenly doing couple things with Sanne, elevating the whole affair to another level and sending insanely contradicting signals. And it was true: Because meanwhile I was a single inner contradiction.

Finding a solution

Since I didn't know what to do, I did what most men do when they don't have a plan: nothing. I just stopped contacting Sanne. Her reaction after two weeks of silence was pretty confident: She canceled the next Spanish lesson via Whatsapp in a factual manner. My wife noticed, of course, that I was suddenly withdrawn, brooding a lot. But I put it on Corona, the economic situation, my unwanted unemployment, the world crisis and was so nice to her out of sheer feelings of guilt that she kept flourishing. Until one evening over a glass of red wine together it burst out of me. Note: If you lie constantly, you shouldn't drink alcohol. I confessed that there would be a woman I had recently felt very attached to. Without going into how much connected. That was not a good idea. After a moment of shock, destruction of unimaginable proportions spread across my wife's face. She no longer looked like herself, slumped, cried and cried.

No wonder, my confession came out of nowhere for her, after all I had done everything to ensure that she did not get wind of the fraud. I rowed back verbally: That came across as wrong, it wasn't a big deal and it was over again. We talked half the night and for the next few days I tried to convince her – and myself – that we were both the best team ever. And soon Vicky actually had her positive charisma and lightness back – because I met Sanne again. And still meet. How can something feel so right and so wrong at the same time? I'm still looking for a solution that everyone involved may be happy with after all. And will likely fail.

FOR PROTECTION The names and locations have been changed to protect the privacy of the people involved.