Sexual empowerment
This is how you live your sexuality in a self-determined way
© Nuria Seguí / Adobe Stock
For historical reasons, female sexuality has always been suppressed. Lust coach Grazia De Francesco explains how you can find out your pleasure type – and thus be able to live your sexuality in a self-determined way.
The term female empowerment has now reached the masses. In principle it is about to combat all forms of overt and covert discrimination against women in everyday life; To strengthen and encourage women to choose their own path.
Most people probably know the term in connection with the professional context. It is precisely in the world of work that patriarchal structures emerge that simply put women at a disadvantage – that means less money, recognition and responsibility.
Female Lust: What does sexual empowerment mean?
But female empowerment is not only important in the job context. One area that has received very little attention so far is female sexuality. There are various reasons for this: Institutions like the church keep women and their sexuality down. Fear of female sexuality was stirred up early on and women and their sexuality were suppressed – men were able to benefit from this for centuries. In her book “The dominated gender” Psychologist Sandra Konrad sums up this phenomenon:
“What happened in history is that female desire was very much dictated by men and, when it deviated, it was also pathologized. That means: the woman who seemed too lustful – to the man anyway – was insulted as a nymphomaniac. The woman, who wasn’t pleasurable enough, was then pathologized as frigid” – Sandra Konrad
Unfortunately, we are still feeling the effects today. It starts with upbringing, which is often strongly influenced by men. Growing up, children lack diversity and education regarding the image of women and the female body. And it stops with the media landscape. In films, for example, sexuality almost always serves the male gaze. According to the sex therapist Grazia De Francesco, this means that many women do not live their sexuality at all or only do so to a very limited extent. because they feel alienated and insecure.
The idea that women live a self-determined sexuality is not socially acceptable – Grazia De Francesco
This lack of knowledge can not only have a negative impact on relationships, but also on self-image and self-confidence. “Conversely, when I deal with my sexuality, it has a positive effect on all areas of life,” explains the expert, “I then feel self-confident and empowered.” But if we have never learned how our sexuality works, how are we supposed to live it independently?
Self-determined sexuality: Which pleasure type are you?
According to the expert, the first step is to break away from the Hollywood scripts in our heads. In fact, they always reproduce a certain type of pleasure, which is not the only one that exists. How we humans experience pleasure and reach a state of pleasure, is very individual, says De Francesco. Roughly you can divide the whole thing into two different types: the spontaneous and the reactive types.
In the former, desire – as the name suggests – occurs spontaneously, often as if out of nowhere. A small stimulus, such as a thought or an image, is enough for the person to reach a state of pleasure. This doesn’t depend on the situation, so it can also occur while driving, in a meeting or in the waiting room. The image of the spontaneous type is firmly anchored in the film industry and is often viewed as “normal” due to the strong reproduction.
There is another type of pleasure that is at least as common, namely the reactive type. The reactive type needs external stimuli to reach the state of pleasure. Sometimes a beautiful setting and atmospheric music may be enough, other times several impulses are necessary to feel physical excitement. This can be touching or loving gestures such as a home-cooked meal or words of appreciation. The reactive pleasure type is almost never depicted in the media, which is why these types often think that there is something wrong with them.
“It’s important for the reacting guy that he:she doesn’t wait until the desire falls from heaven, but rather actively expresses what impulses are necessary,” emphasizes the desire coach. Of course, this doesn’t always work straight away, but the knowledge alone is a relief for most people because they no longer feel strange or wrong. “If I know what type I am, I can express my needs accordingly and thereby experience sexual self-determination,” concludes De Francesco.
Sources used: Panel talk with Grazia De Franceso, spiegel.de, deutschlandfunkkultur.de, zeit.de