Choosing to stay with your partner with whom you no longer get along happens to many couples, especially when children are added to the equation. However, is this sacrifice worth it? Our psychoanalyst takes stock.
The image of the perfect family with children and parents around the table for Sunday brunch continues to fantasize many people. Some couples manage to keep the flame alive and can now choose together their gift for their crystal wedding, or even their 30th anniversary. But others find themselves at an impasse. Often, these couples hesitate to take the step of separation for a very specific reason: their children.
A sacrifice driven by the traditional image of the family for some, and for others by the fear of finding themselves alone or even the refusal to reproduce the old patterns of their parents. So they have to go on living together. However, this resignation can lead to more harm than good, warns psychoanalyst Marie-José Abuzukek. “There is a sacrificial aspectbut we must not forget that the child has a sensitivity.“The things left unsaid and that sacrifice can end up being more painful than a separation.
Ask yourself the right questions before parting
Before talking about separation or divorce, it is better to know why we come to this end: “The real question to ask is, am I still in balance? Am I still in harmony? Before there is a family, before there are children, the genesis is the couple. But the couple, what is it? They are two unconscious who meet and who are in harmony for a certain time. The essential problem that can create disharmony within the couple is that there is no school to be a parent. And when a child arrives, all attention goes to him and the couple forgets each other. Thus, the whole thing is to know if it is the couple in itself that is not well and in these cases, the question of knowing if we continue the road together is good or not.“.
If despite attempts to put the pieces back together, as well as follow-up to couple therapy, the answer is no, then you will have to talk about it among yourselves, then to your children.
Do not hide the truth from your children
“I often hear: ‘we had children, they are there, we have to take care of them until the end’“, reveals the psychoanalyst to us. A leitmotif which however does not fool anyone: “From the moment there is a conflict between the parents and they are not ready to separate, the child is faced with arguments, shouting and all that goes with it.“. By doing so, parents keep children in a distorted and negative image of married lifee.
Faced with the lies of the parents, certain neuroses can appear in the child: “Whether the arguments take place in the evening, when the child is in bed, or in a car, the child has a sensitivity, and therefore there, we find with the theory of attachment. This theory no longer allows the child to see his parents as protectors. We then witness an inversion, that is to say that the child will end up protecting his parents himself, for example by bringing good grades to prevent the parents from arguing even more. Afterwards, these same children who become adults develop neurotic aspects due to the fact that they have not been able to express themselves and have not been able to have this feeling of security to evolve.r”, explains Marie-José Abuzakuk.
“If a couple divorces, the child does not divorce his parents”
This is why the psychoanalyst advises to “communicate and exchange“with his children.”We cannot generalize. But very often, when parents decide to end their relationship, if the child sees that his parents are happy, then he will naturally compose“, she concedes.”On the other hand, if the child feels, without there being any separation, that the parents are nervous and annoyed, he may even find himself with a feeling of guilt by saying to himself: is this Is this happening because of me?“.
It is therefore important to remind your child that “If the couple divorces, the child does not divorce his parents.“.
How to talk about divorce and separation to your child?
Still, it is not easy to talk about separation or divorce to your children. But it exists a means of “passing the pill”, even though, “we are not addressing a child who is 5,7 or 8 years old or a teenager in high school“. Thereby, “It is important that the parents together can reassure the child, tell him of the love they have for him and explain to him that the agreement at home is no longer what it used to be and that for everyone’s happiness, walking away is the best option“.
The psychoanalyst also reminds parents that the child must be reassured: “Do not forget to remember the links between all the members of the family. Thus, for the separation to go well, it must be done with the same voice. Even if for the child some difficulties may be felt, he will have the certainty, because his parents will have told him that he is loved and that he keeps his parents forever“.
Marion Mancho
As a social journalist, I work on all subjects related to feminism, news items and the fight against discrimination. Equally affected by the crises that follow…