How did you get to know your sweetheart? And above all: How did you come to be together now? According to science, this plays an important role in your entire partnership …
The stories of couples getting to know each other are always exciting! Was it coincidence that brought them together, a benevolent friend and matchmaker who wanted to play Cupid, or maybe a higher force called God, Karma or Tinder …?
Even if no two stories are exactly alike, similar elements appear in most of them – e.g. B. said Tinder or the good, old wannabe Cupid. Another phenomenon that is spreading more and more in stories of getting to know each other is "sliding" – however, according to studies, this is precisely what contributes significantly to the fact that our relationships are on average shorter than before and that we often feel dissatisfied in our partnership.
Sliding vs Deciding: What is Sliding?
American psychologists use the term sliding mainly in the context of decision-making processes and denote a person's tendency to slip into situations or living conditions instead of consciously making a decision ("deciding"). If you ask a slider, "why did you do x and y?", The answer is usually something like "it turned out that way" or "just went well".
With regard to relationships, sliding can in turn occur in different questions and contexts:
- Do we want children?
- When do we have sex?
- Are we both monogamous?
- Shall we marry?
And of course, at the very beginning of a partnership or when you get to know each other, the question arises:
- Do we want an exclusive relationship with each other?
Many couples are now putting off this question for so long until it is superfluous at some point – because they somehow slipped into their partnership.
Studies show: love is (also) a decision
Unfortunately, studies, for example a study with a good 250 men and women from 2014, show that there is a relatively clear connection between decisiveness and happiness in a relationship. H. make a conscious decision to be happier with each other and have more stable relationships, sliders are often more dissatisfied with their sweetheart. In addition, they have affairs far more often than with deciders.
This observation, by the way, coincides with the triangular theory of love by the psychologist psychologist Robert Sternberg, according to which "commitment" is one of the three most important pillars of love. And it can also be explained: If we really want something and consciously decide in favor of something, we always stand behind it more than if we don't. Slipping into a relationship therefore increases the likelihood that we will – at least unconsciously – always remain open and search for other options.
Why is sliding so trendy?
On the other hand, it is also understandable that the "commitment" pillar is no longer as popular and sexy as it was before: While dating used to be mainly about the simple either-or question of "getting married or parting ways?" we have a lot of freedom and options these days. First get to know each other and have a bit of fun together while at the same time looking for someone better on Tinder. Maybe try an open relationship for a change so we know whether exclusivity is right for us. Maybe we will find out who we are and whether we can imagine being a mom. Nobody is pushing us to make a quick and final decision, so why should we? Except that it increases our chances of a long-term, happy relationship, as we have now discovered, there is no reason to distance ourselves from sliding …