The search for a romantic relationship can be very stressful. How pragmatism can help us.
The dating world is constantly changing and what was considered exciting and appropriate a few years ago is long outdated and outlawed in 2023. First the singles lost almost two years through Corona, in which dating was hardly or only with stomach ache to think about, baby step by baby step we are getting closer to “normal everyday life” and have to realize with horror that our appointment calendar with events like weddings, Birthdays, festivals, concerts and other things overflow.
How then still find the time to look for the great love? And where anyway? In her work as a therapist, Elinor Greenberg has already worked with a wide variety of people – and was able to help some of them indirectly to find a partner: in. Here she came up with the “sofa theory of dating” – which we would like to present in more detail in this article.
What do dates and couches have in common?
For most people, the “sofa theory” should initially raise question marks – after all, the great love of your life can hardly be lumped together with a comfortable commodity. In her Psychology Today article, the therapist describes the idea as taking a “pragmatic approach to the search for a partner that bypasses many of the emotional anxieties associated with the search.
It’s understandable that people who suffer from emotional anxiety tend to have greater difficulty entering and maintaining a romantic relationship. And the corona pandemic has – oh wonder – improved the situation anything but: one study concluded that increased date anxiety is linked to increased depressive symptoms, which have been exacerbated by the pandemic. How can these and other people succeed in approaching relationships with less fear?
Precisely to counteract this problem, Greenberg came up with the sofa theory, which consists of five rules. The aim is to approach the search for a partner just as pragmatically as when looking for a new sofa.
1. Go where sofas are sold
“The right one will find me” – does this thought sound familiar? This approach to romance, somewhat reminiscent of the dreams of a Disney princess, has little place in sofa theory. “If you needed a sofa, you wouldn’t sit at home and expect a sofa to find you,” explains the psychologist. So why behave passively and wait for something to happen to you? Why not make something happen yourself?
And it’s not really enough to just walk out the door again – even if that’s a good first step. But, as Greenberg writes, “You wouldn’t hope to find the right sofa while walking.” Instead, we have to assume that finding the right sofa will take a little (or a little more) effort. That means:
- We seek out places where other singles are (these can be both digital and physical)
- When we find that the pub around the corner isn’t quite attracting the clientele we were hoping for, we look elsewhere
- And we don’t just rely on the fact that we meet the right one by chance on the street, in the supermarket or in a café
2. If you didn’t find the sofa in the first place, then you move on
As already mentioned: The pub around the corner might not be the only place where you might meet a potential partner. After all, we wouldn’t say after a furniture store: “Well, there wasn’t a sofa found here. Then I’ll just sit on the floor.”
If necessary, a little creativity is also required of us: Do you have certain hobbies? Maybe you can also pursue them in a club or course and meet interesting people there – and potential love. Dates can also be found on the Internet, here you can make sure beforehand whether you share a common hobby or interest with the person, for example.
3. Don’t worry if you come across as “desperate”.
Many people have the feeling that they would appear “easy to get” or even “desperate” when it comes to when they get back to a message (“I’d rather wait a few hours, he shouldn’t think I would have nothing to do or – worse – have a crush on him”). “If you go to a furniture store, you wouldn’t be ashamed that you don’t already own a sofa. So why should you be ashamed that you’re single?”
- Don’t let shame stop you from looking for love
- Don’t play aloof so that you keep friendly people from asking you out or getting to know you better
- Be friendly and open to people who show a genuine interest in you
4. Choose the right people to date
“After all, you wouldn’t look for a sofa in shops that are over your budget or that sell sofas that don’t interest you,” the therapist explains. “That means be realistic about who you ask out and make sure you have enough in common.”
Maybe the local party mile is not the best place to find a partner. Don’t waste time flirting with someone who isn’t interested in you or is already in a monogamous relationship.
5. Use your strengths
Converted to the sofa search, this means something like: “Make sure that the sofa fits your room at all.” For example, Greenberg recalls a man who was very religious and respectful with a firm moral core. She suggested that he not necessarily seek his partner in bars – instead, he found a partner in his church singles group.
Summarized: Those who approach the search for a romantic relationship less with fearful emotions and more with pragmatism will certainly have a much clearer view of what really matters.
Sources used: psychologytoday.com, wellandgood.com, psycnet.apa.org