"Conscious Uncoupling" is a coaching method from the USA that promises a separation for the better. No more hard feelings after six weeks: How should that work? A conversation with couples therapist Dorothea Behrmann.
INTERVIEW Sonja Niemann
Ms. Behrmann, how did a couples therapist come up with the idea of specializing in breakups, of all things?
Dorothea Behrmann: My own parents broke up very badly and fell out when I was seven years old. That was terrible for me, I always sat between the chairs, I was only allowed to see my father every three weeks because my mother didn't want me to meet him in between. And then I became a couples therapist because I thought: All couples must always be saved.
And?
Well, who came to my practice? Couples where nothing worked anymore. In which one of the two had already said goodbye inwardly, where no more loving looks were exchanged. If there is still an argument, at least there is still energy. But if there is only silence, the only question that remains is: How do we part now as best as possible? While there are a few couples therapy approaches that can be used to help people. But I only found specific work for the emotional accompaniment of separation in the USA, where coaching for "Conscious Uncoupling" was developed, that is for "conscious unpairing". I then trained in that.
The term was heard a few years ago when actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband, singer Chris Martin, said they had "deliberately unpaired". To be honest, I thought at the time: Oh, these American celebrities with their positive thinking fuss, even after a breakup you can't just suffer and be angry …
It is not the goal to still necessarily have to be friends with the ex-partner. It's about ending the relationship as peacefully and benevolently as possible and forgiving yourself and the other. So that you really become free again and can look into the future. I think anyone who breaks up with an important relationship, with or without children, should do it.
You do not work with the couple, only with the individual. Why?
There is a split, but two stories. It is seldom the case that one of them says, "You know, honey, I think it's better if we break up," and the other then says, "Yes, darling, you're so right, I think so too the whole time". Usually it's just someone who wants to go or who has already left. And that is usually a little better off than the other one who was abandoned. Above all, those who have been abandoned come to me. The program is tailored to them. But the partners who have left also call me and say: I know that I have hurt him or her very much, how can I help?
How does a "conscious unpairing" actually work?
It essentially consists of five steps that are followed in sequence. The first step is mainly about dealing with negative feelings, i.e. these overwhelming feelings of anger, sadness, helplessness. Is there something I can do to avoid feeling these feelings so strongly, like drinking too much, eating too much? How can I instead calm down without self-harming behavior, what do I need? It's not about negating these feelings or taking them away. On the contrary, it is about feeling it: What do you feel, and what do you still feel? If you name feelings, they are immediately perceived as not quite as overwhelming.
How is this continuing?
The second step is to get out of the victim role. The story that we tell ourselves over and over again – and mostly to others too – is what the other has done to you. But that leads to even more swooning. So my next question is, what does the same story look like from a more factual perspective, if you focus on the facts? And: How did I contribute to the situation myself? If I recognize my own share without devaluing myself – "I just screwed it up" – then we really get ahead.
But what if he was to blame and cheated on me again and again …?
Even if the other is 97 percent to blame, you should look at what your own three percent are. If you don't do that, you won't regain your strength. There are good reasons to hate the other person and to be mad at him forever. But it doesn't help. Hate is just as strong as love, it's a bond.
And what about the opposite of hate: I love him and I will never love someone like him again?
It's normal to think that way at the beginning. In step four I ask again. Then don't say that anymore. You want someone with whom you can be who you are, with whom you do not have to play a role, who neither have to be superior nor inferior. Where you feel seen and loved. And that's not the person who broke up with you.
So far it has not even been about the ex-partner, but exclusively about yourself.
Yes, the first three steps are all about yourself, your own feelings, also your own patterns and beliefs that you brought into the partnership from childhood. It helps a lot to recognize them – also for future relationships that you want to enter into again. The last two steps are only about the ex-partner. You change your perspective and put yourself in his position: How did he fare? What do you like about him and about the time you spent together? And which old couple agreements such as "I'm always there for you" no longer apply, and what could new agreements look like, for example for mutual parenting?
And then do I say goodbye?
Yes, with a ritual. The partner does not have to be present for this, it is sufficient to introduce yourself. You thank your partner for the good things that have happened in the relationship and say goodbye. You can shape it however you want. For example, a client let boats with sentences on her ex swim away in a river. It is very healing to do something that symbolizes that it is really over.
The program is designed to last six weeks. Can six weeks really be enough to internally say goodbye to a long relationship?
It may be that one or the other takes a little more time to take a step and we have to take a break. In my experience, often when it comes to genuinely forgiving the other person. Not by negating what he's done, but by letting go of that now. And then at the end, saying goodbye – that hurts again. Some say: I notice that I can't do that yet. But usually the six weeks are actually enough. But you have to say that most of those who come have already done preparatory work, have spoken to someone about it, and they really want to get out of the pain and move on. And if you seriously face the separation, you are already a bit out of the complete victim attitude.
Is every failed relationship really an opportunity?
I think "failure" is the completely wrong word. I think every breakup is a chance to get to the bottom of your relationship patterns. And it's always easy to part ways. Even if you never want to see the other person again. Even if he played along badly. Then you can say: You were important to me. Thanks for waking me up. That I now know why I am always drawn to people who are not doing me any good. Thank you for being my teacher.
The 5 steps of conscious uncoupling
- Dealing with negative emotions
- Shedding the role of victim
- Breaking out of old patterns
- Preserving the good of the partnership
- Say goodbye and look ahead
Dorothea Behrmann is a trained Gestalt and couples therapist and works as a coach from Hamburg nationwide and online. She specializes in Conscious Uncoupling, a program for peaceful breakups.
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