When the child starts kindergarten, they quickly get to know other children – and new expressions. Suddenly terms come out of the child's mouth that you are sure you have never used in your own four walls. You can read here why swear words are so interesting and important for children and how to deal with them appropriately.
1. A swear word gene lies dormant in the human genome
Why do those vocabulary stick so stubbornly that we could do without? Perhaps there is a human gene that stores all the words that we know but shouldn't put in our mouths? So-called Maledictologists have a somewhat more scientific explanation. You deal with cursing and have found that the worst abuse allows conclusions to be drawn about the strongest taboos in a society. We Germans, like the North Americans, are shaped by Protestants, they say, and thus pretty uptight and prude. If you go to the subject areas from which our swear words originate, nothing has changed to this day – despite all the apparent lack of inhibition.
But why do we curse anyway? Because you have to vent when you are angry. Anyone who eats everything into himself will sooner or later suffer from it, mentally and physically – doctors and psychologists are equally convinced of this. Still, of course, health is not a free pass for below-the-belt abuse. After all, people want to get along reasonably peacefully with one another. Adults therefore have their feelings of displeasure under control – unless they are desperately looking for a parking space, the computer has crashed or the birthday cake is burnt. When things go wrong, it can be "damn" difficult to stay calm.
And it is precisely on these occasions that your own children pick up words like "shit", "idiot" or "Saubär", to name comparatively harmless ones. But even if mothers and fathers were angels – which is simply impossible in the chaos of everyday family life – our children would get to know the litany of swearwords, because they are circulating in every kindergarten, booming from radios and TVs. Most parents do not want to know exactly what the little ones are picking up on. The fewer swear words, the better, they think. That's not necessarily true.
2. Swear words are a vote of confidence
Sometimes there are misunderstandings between parents and children. One of the first falls in the defiance phase. When a little bundle rolls around on the floor and doesn't know what to do with its desperation about the world, we mistakenly sense the intention behind it to annoy us. We feel this later when the four-year-old in the supermarket throws an "Asloch" in our face because he can't get any gummy bears. Especially in public we feel exposed by such insubordination. Especially when self-appointed co-educators speak up: "These modern parents no longer have their children under control!" How much would you like to give your opinion to such people, but how? For example, by telling them that swear words are perfectly normal at this age. That psychologists even speak of development deficits and disturbed attachment behavior when children never go too far with their language. In a nutshell, that means: A four-year-old who says "You idiot" to papa knows that papa loves her very much. That's the only reason why she can dare to turn him on like that. And why does she even do that? Because she wants to test limits and explore the power of words. This is part of the everyday business of the little ones and is important for growing up.
3. Swear words encourage politeness and compassion
This thought only seems absurd at first glance. After all, every swear word is an opportunity to practice social rules. Because there is no doubt that the child's pleasure in provocation must be steered into tolerable channels. The repertoire of the correct reaction ranges from overhearing to sharp reprimands. The age of the child plays a decisive role: the younger a child is, the easier it is for parents to assume that they do not know the meaning of a swear word. Three-year-olds use certain vocabulary because they like the way people react.
A short "You idiot" and everyone listens: The teacher looks dead serious, the big boy next door rolls his eyes, Dad reacts with a deep sigh, and Grandma turns away piqued. The wordless variant is good, as long as it stays with rare swear words. But many older children become repeat offenders. You no longer sprinkle the words into the conversation as trial balloons, but as a provocation. Now children need an explanation that swear words offend and hurt a person. That you can lose your best friend because he's mad at you. But also that everyone, even if you don't like them very much, deserves respect. And then you don't just talk about swear words, but about politeness and compassion. That’s a good thing. Because only very young children are forgiven when they greet grandma and say: "Hello, you stinker!"
4. Swear words bring hidden feelings to light
Little Mareile is beside herself: she sits in her high chair, clings to it with her hands and screams at two complete strangers who approach her in a friendly manner: "Your assholes won't get my seat!" Do you guess the background? The high chair was about to be sold, and Mareile didn't approve of it at all. She ventilated and at least drove away the interested parties that evening. For her parents, this was the clear indication that the three-year-old daughter must not simply be passed over – after all, it is also her high chair. Swearwords don't always lead you on the right track as quickly as in this case.
But they force us to read traces. This is especially true when children suddenly become noticeably upset and the linguistic lapses become permanent. Because like us adults, children also look for valves when something is going on. Behind the verbal pick-up there is then in truth a cry for help. A possible reaction: "Tell me, you don't really mean what you're saying to me. But I think you're angry and angry. What's wrong?" It is important to wait for the answer. If it takes time, one can patiently ask: "If you tell me what is wrong with you, I will try to help you." In this way you may find out that the new educator has other rules that throw your child out of balance. Or that there is a little bully who is always teasing. The swear words are suddenly no longer an issue. Instead of criticizing, you can help. Instead of being at odds with your child, get closer to them.
5. Swear words are key words for the first explanation
Parents find words like "idiot", "idiot" and "stupid skull" angry. With terms that target below the cruelty line, there is also embarrassment. "You don't say that" or "That's a dirty word," we whisper in our child's ear, knowing full well that this is not a really good explanation. But if we want to be clearer, we have to talk about a topic that nobody talks about as easily as the weather: about sexuality. In addition, we believe that the impetus for initial educational discussions should come from the children. But this is only partially true, because children only let their sexual curiosity run free and dare to ask questions if they know that everything can be said and thought at home.
Instead of speechlessness when it comes to sex, more openness would be helpful. But how do you start? Sexualized swearwords are very good as key words: "You Fichse", for example, the little one of my cousins railed against his sister. "I'm not a fool," she howled. "You're not either," I comforted her. Unfortunately, I missed the opportunity to explain what was behind these "dirty" words. For example, I could have said that two people who love each other have very nice feelings together. And that some words make these great feelings bad. More would not have been necessary. Because it's all about overcoming the speechlessness that still troubles us today when it comes to enlightenment. We also defuse the overpowering swear words in this way. Even more, we use them positively for our upbringing. And that's the best we can do because – I'm quite sure – they never go away.
This article originally appeared on Eltern.de.