"Teenagers are both 8 and 25 years old"

What parent of a teenager has never suffered the wrath of their child transformed into a true bully? The teen has a seizure. His adolescent crisis. Is it normal to be rejected by your child? How to best manage this difficult passage? What role should parents play? Caroline Thompson, psychologist, decodes the adolescent crisis for you.

" Leave me alone ! I want to go out ! Let go of me with the lessons! ". Everyone will agree that adolescence is often a difficult time for the whole family. Your baby, your ex-grandchild for whom you were everything not so long ago has turned into a terrible (young) adult. He answers you, slams the doors, thinks only of his friends, of his phone … All the conversations you have with him, no matter what the subject, always end in conflict.

This passage from childhood to adolescence is sometimes extreme and hard to live with, for you, and for your teenager too. As you dig a little deeper, you find with sadness that there is a tremendous discomfort lurking inside him, caused by all the changes in his body and the upheavals that are going on in his head. It is difficult for him to see his landmarks change, his morphology evolve, his voice change, his hairs grow and the gaze of others change.

Adolescence is not experienced in the same way for girls and for boys, but it is just as complicated to experience for both sexes. According to one or the other, on the other hand, this period of crisis will be more or less long and stormy. Within a family, with brothers and sisters or not, it will take time to let everyone look for themselves and find new brands to live together.

Little dictionary to understand my teenager?

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Video by Sarah polak

Teenager: an inevitable rejection to better build oneself

The parents may well put their efforts, they systematically end of inadmissibility. Everything that comes out of their mouth, as a rule, is of no interest to the teenager, who applies daily to reject everything altogether. For Caroline Thompson, specialist in clinical psychology and family therapist, “Adolescence is a natural process of separation between children and their parents. Parents were the most important people in the eyes of their child before; now they are only secondary characters, as the adolescent creates his own social environment made up of his peers, hence this rejection. " So don't take everything for yourself, and above all, be patient: these are the new behaviors to adopt for a parent of a teenager in crisis.

Also read: Help, I have a teenager at home!

Know that this separation, as brutal as it is, does not mean that teens no longer want adults. In 2012, an Ipsos Santé survey carried out among 822 adults aged over 24 and 807 adolescents as part of the Pfizer Foundation's adolescent forum revealed that if 75% of adults are convinced that teenagers do not need them to grow taller, However, 85% of 15-18 year olds said they needed their elders.

These findings are also consistent with the reasoning of neuroscientist and adolescent behavior specialist Ron Dahl in a 2016 interview published by the Institute for Human Development at UC Berkeley. “They enjoy being admired by adults, teachers, coaches and their parents. From the age of 9 to 14, children want to be admired and respected more. We don't know exactly what children become sensitive to, but it is a matter of status, acceptance, belonging, admiration, and valuing that becomes more important. "

A vicious circle that complicates relationships

“My mother is on my back all the time. She's constantly coping with me and asking me tons of questions. I'm fed up ", sighs Jade, 14 years old, a student in 3rd, in a report shot by Zadid Productions broadcast on France 5. These tense relationships between parents and adolescents are often difficult to bear on a daily basis, especially for adults. "When she's unpleasant, I don't want to please her", says Jade's mother. Everyone's behavior and feelings lead to regular conflicts and a tense daily atmosphere.

According to Caroline Thompson, “Adolescents are both 8 and 25 years old. They are going to need, from time to time, a token of affection as a child and from the other, they yearn for more freedom as an adult. We have to manage this paradox of adolescence ". For the family of a teenager in crisis, nothing is easier than managing their constant changes in attitude, mood and defensive posture.

A crying need for autonomy

During the Ipsos Santé qualitative survey conducted in 2007 on behalf of the Pfizer Foundation, the young people interviewed indicated very clearly what they expected from their parents, like Sophia, 14, from Paris: “Our parents would like to keep us small all their lives, which is absolutely impossible. We're mini adults in the making, so they don't have to be on our backs all the time. At the same time, they must set us benchmarks, limits, rules; we "take the lead" wholesale. "

Parents must therefore learn to juggle their adolescent's need for autonomy and his concern for rules and severity. "Adolescence is a period of great fragility, so children need their parents to dictate sensible rules to reassure themselves about their parental solidity and to prevent them from succumbing to their desires and temptations, explains Caroline Thompson. Parents must dare to say "no" to their child even if he resents them and thinks them are old-fashioned or dummies. This is the role of parents. "

The teenager, this misunderstood

"Stop taking us for kids". This is one of the first pieces of advice given by adolescents in the Ipsos Santé 2012 study. Teenagers crave more consideration from their elders. "Teenagers often have the impression that they are not understood by adults, which generates great tension", explains Caroline Thompson. Parents wrongly consider that their children's generation is less curious, less educated than theirs at the same age. These unfounded remarks hurt young people a lot. "

Basically, we can only understand and hear the claims of teenagers, who want to be taken more seriously by their parents. However, at the age of 13 or 14, it is difficult to let them stand on their own feet, as the world around them is full of dangers of all kinds. For a girl, the risks are multiple, for boys too.

Take teens' feelings more seriously

"My friends, my loves, my shit …" as Charles Aznavour said. As a teenager, remember, there was nothing more true. The first love that breaks our hearts, the arguments between friends … At that age, everything takes on gigantic proportions and the world seems to fall apart forever, even though it is only the beginning of life.

Once you become parents, and in front of the mess that a teenager generates, it is sometimes easier to forget those emotions that had thrilled us so much at that time. “Parents look down on their children's emotions, testifies psychologist Caroline Thompson. For them, it is only a heartbreak of youth or a bickering of a child, there is no death of a man. They believe that teens' problems are much less than theirs. This value judgment creates misunderstandings and a real feeling, for adolescents, of not being listened to by adults ". And yet! Always remember that how your child feels during his teenage years is very important to him, very important. Her whole life depends on it and that's perfectly normal, as it was for you at her age.

To read also: "Certain adolescents develop a phobia of their body" (and would become depressed adults)

Complexes are also among the things that should not be minimized in a teenager, because they can later have consequences on their adult life. According to a recent study published in the Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health and revealed by the American news channel CNN, negative body image in adolescence could threaten the mental health of future adults. As Catherine Verdier, psychologist and founder of Psyfamille explains, "Some adolescents develop what is called dysmorphophobia, which is a phobia of a part of their body. It prevents them from living, or even evolving socially. " If your teen's complexes are taking up too much space in his life, do not hesitate to see a specialist who will help him to externalize his emotions.

Parenting a teenager

The task is difficult, of course, and we were not prepared for this when we wanted to have children. However, the time has come and it is impossible to turn back. “Parents should not seek a symmetrical relationship with their children. They need to take a step back, listen to the underlying messages of their teenagers and accept their contradictions which are: "give me more space, but above all, don't let go" ", says Caroline Thompson. Stay the course even if you are emotionally taken aback by this teenage crisis. Your children see you as their home base, so it is essential that you are strong, consistent and fair in your decisions. Don't worry, adolescence is still going on. "

It is clear that the parents of a teenager in crisis sometimes feel that this period will never end, as the situation can turn to extremes. They also oscillate between grief and disappointment, which they haven't been used to before. "Do not be resentful if your children reject you or hurt you", assures Caroline Thompson. Let your child come to you. This waiting position is, of course, unpleasant, but it is part of the role of parenting in adolescence. "

Teen in Crisis: Who can help me?

Study references

Qualitative and quantitative study carried out respectively in the field and online "teenagers / adults crossed views" Ipsos Santé carried out with 807 adolescents aged 15 to 18 and 822 adults aged 25 and over surveyed from January 12 to 19, 2012, on behalf of the Pfizer Foundation.

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The Pfizer Foundation for the health and well-being of children and adolescents has been involved, for more than 10 years, in the support and promotion of projects and actions intended to lead young people to adulthood in the best possible medical, social and societal conditions while favoring an intergenerational solidarity approach.

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