Do women lose more than they gain? In her book "Die K -frage", Johanna Dürrholz examined what it means to be a mother today. An interview.
BRIGITTE.de: You are looking for an answer to the question of whether you would like a child or not. Is this question so difficult to answer that it takes a whole book to do it?
Johanna Dürrholz: I think 20 books would not be enough either! Today, motherhood is a complex issue in which many social and individual components come together. Another reason why decision-making is so difficult is that women feel that they can lose more than they can gain from having a child – and that they have to give up their old life.
But this is nothing new, that life changes with the birth of a child.
No, but in the past there was no entitlement to equality. The distribution of roles was clear: mother at home, father at work. But even today, children are not well compatible with the world of work. Incidentally, it's not just women who suffer from this. Many men want active fatherhood and would like to take more parental leave, but are afraid of being punished by their employers.
There used to be no entitlement to equality
Compatibility is a lie, you write. Do women still have to choose between having a child and a career?
You can have both, but then you need money to finance the care of the children. If both parents work full-time, Child does three full-time jobs for two people, and that's one too many. This is why many women go part-time and take on a large part of the unpaid care work. The consequences such as career kink or old-age poverty are well known.
You're not just wondering if you have kids want, but whether you can get any have to. How big is the pressure to become a mother?
There is pressure from inside and outside. I put pressure on myself because the biological clock is ticking. But there is also social pressure. When it comes to fulfilling the requirements of femininity, women are still very much defined by their mother's image. Germany is quite backward in this regard. Childless women continue to be stigmatized – just like full-time women who are still referred to as bad mothers.
Has nothing moved there?
Yes, a lot has happened there. There are now all sorts of forms of parenting, such as co-parenting or rainbow families. But I am also observing a certain retraditionalization. When I look at some mommy bloggers, for example, who suggest that being a mother alone fulfills them. However, they also earn money with mom content, which is often forgotten. And of course there are also great family influencers.
Other women are going on a "birthing strike" to save the planet. Does climate change make matters worse when it comes to the issue of children?
Climate change, digitization and now the corona crisis show how fragile everything is. That fuels fears about the future. I think it is justified to think about having a child, because you have no idea what the world will look like in 50 years.
You could never look into the future.
That's true, but the world has never changed as rapidly as in the last 20 years. Nevertheless: For me it would be a form of giving up if I were to forego having children as a result. There are so many other questions to consider: Who do I want to be 20, 30 years from now? Do I want family or is my circle of friends more important to me? What does my job mean to me, do I have the right partner? Of course you can do it without it, but it is more difficult on your own.
Her book ends with the sentence: "Life happens." Does that mean you don't make a decision and prefer to let everything come your way?
Looks like I postponed my decision for now. I'm 32, that's just about right. But I tried to research the injustices and give food for thought in all directions. I wanted to find out what to think about before deciding whether or not to have a child. Above all, couples should talk to each other: Who takes parental leave and how long? How do we divide it all up? Which daycare centers are there nearby? You should also make a financial plan. I think the key is to talk to each other – even if it all sounds very bureaucratic for something as romantic as having children.
© Dudenverlag
"The K question: What it means today to (not) want a child" by Johanna Dürrholz (Dudenverlag, 18 euros)
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