We just met Jean. We are still at the stage of the wee under control so as not to make noise at home and the four cheese pizza that we will not order for fear of looking like a glutton. It is normal: the time to tame the other and to feel at ease, there are a lot of inevitable little discomforts. Listing.
The search for a terrace
First date. He launches the famous "Where are we going?" ". I lie that "I don't know the neighborhood well" to take my responsibility away, he replies with a dishonest "me neither" to allow himself to make mistakes.
Therefore : we walk thirty minutes in search of a bar and end up in the most seedy one.
The thing between the teeth
It’s the instant that I see a white thread firmly lodged between his teeth which is nothing but a piece of sausage. I dare not point it out to him and feel as embarrassed as he will be in a few hours, when he finds on his way home this big piece of pig stuck between his incisors.
Therefore : once at home, I smile in the mirror just to check myself in turn, thinking of the day when, at ease, we will say to ourselves "You have a booze there".
The kiss of the first hello
Second date. Kiss me, not kiss me. Two days that I ask myself this question and planted like a pickle in front of the cinema, I congratulate myself for having arrived early so that he has everything to do.
Therefore : I have just an hour to wait, mouth to heart, heart in stress.
Sex in the cinema
As he takes my hand and it's our first real "lasting" contact, a big sex scene takes place on the screen. We have not slept together yet and the pair of tits that appear makes me tremble: I imagine he imagines me in bed at the same time as I imagine him in bed.
Therefore : I stop breathing because there's no way I'm moving a bit and giving the impression of sending a signal, whatever it is.
The first time we get together
We leave the cinema. We wonder which metro line we are taking, knowing full well that we are going to take the same one.
Therefore : we spend fifteen minutes saying goodbye like morons because neither of us dares to take the long-awaited initiative.
The hood to find
How beautiful it is this moment, almost an atmosphere breaker and yet indispensable, when he asks me if I have condoms. Suddenly, he hears himself talking, I hear myself answer that "yes surely over there" so as not to be the girl who used to catch them in the dark, without hands and feet, in the nightstand drawer.
Therefore : I'm thinking about the movies earlier and I could drown in my embarrassment, naked and in my bed.
The first awakening
Sunday morning, wake up. I have dark circles running down my ankles and a killer's breath. I'm fucked up.
Therefore : I talk to him with my head in the pillow, hoping he finds me natural.
The urge to go to the toilet
A coffee and a cigarette later, I am overtaken by an urge to go to the bathroom that has already paralyzed me for centuries.
Therefore : I pretend a lunch with a friend. Hello.
The "just in case" bag
Tonight we see each other. Tonight, I'm going to finish at his place, it's written. But I dare not prepare a small bag. A small bag makes a girl who knows, a girl who has planned everything, in short: who settles down. And at the same time, I'll need clean panties for tomorrow morning and my family size makeup remover. And my phone charger. And my bottle of milk.
Therefore : I put panties in a ball in my toiletry bag, thinking that it is neither too much nor not enough.
The first races together
We have an appointment in front of the supermarket to go shopping because tonight we are having dinner at his place. Except that doing the shopping together hurts me. He asks me what I want, well I want Camembert but I CAN'T SAY TOO MUCH there you see.
Therefore : I do not make any suggestions, I agree to each of his proposals for dinner and I pass for a girl who has no opinion on anything. And no taste.
Mom's phone call
While we are quietly installed on his sofa, “mom” is displayed roughly on my phone. If I pick up, I run the risk that my mother's voice – who can't speak without screaming – resonates throughout the room and that my new dear and tender finds me a strange voice because I'm like that, j I have a weird voice when I talk to moumoune.
Therefore : I answer "if" to his "you do not pick up? "And I don't pick up and we don't talk about it anymore.
The forgotten panties at home
I'm sure, sure, sure: I forgot my own panties at his place, obviously worn, obviously left in the middle of the bathroom, inevitable, like poop on a carpet.
Therefore : I return my apartment, hoping to find the damn panties that NEVER come out of their hiding place. I die.
Tickets for a concert in three months
We really want to go to the concert of the group Bidule that we both adored since the dawn of time. Except it's in three months and we've known each other for four times less.
Therefore : we are like two imbeciles in front of our computer screen, debating “the places that will go quickly or not”. But the good news is that deep down we know: we will go and one day we will even take plane tickets for six months from now.
The stuck transit
When we spend more than a day together, I am completely constipated: like it's love. No way I want to go to the bathroom surprises me, especially since I spend my life at his house. My body freezes, my stomach tightens, and my urge to make love slips away. And him, he doesn't understand what I have.
Suddenly: I anticipate I drink Hépar® * mineral water, it facilitates my smooth transit and it's super discreet. With my Hépar® *, after a few days, someone knocks on my door and I ask my boyfriend to put on a good sound or go get the bread. Once in the bathroom, I settle my things and I beam. Like what, Hepar® *, it can save discomfort – intestinal and love, and it is all the more important to know that the brand reveals to us, in its podcast Chronicle of the interior, that 74% of the women who suffer of constipation feel the effects on their romantic relationship. In short, all's well that ends well, well no, that starts well: after the awkward moments of the beginnings of a love story, it remains to be savored, mouth to mouth, stomach to stomach.
* Hepar® can be laxative. We recommend that you drink 1L of Hepar® per day as part of a varied and balanced diet and a healthy lifestyle.
To read also on the romantic encounter and the beginning of a relationship:
The 10 absurd things we do when a guy does not answer our text
The clues that a girl lived in his house
54 proofs that he loves me (even if he doesn't say it)