Long-term relationships
Are long-term partnerships good luck or work?
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30-year marriages and long partnerships – is it just a coincidence or is it hard work behind it? Psychologist and couples therapist Oskar Holzberg answers this question.
In short: I should actually know that from my own experience. It is definitely luck. Work too. But above all: commitment.
Long-term relationships: coincidence or hard-earned?
Behind this question lurks the popular question about the secret of happy relationships. Do we just have to do everything right? Or is it just luck to find the right partner and then we can basically put our feet up in terms of relationship? Long-term relationships are equated with happy relationships, which is of course nonsense, you can be pretty unhappy with each other for 40 years. And anyway, we should stop talking about happy relationships if by that we actually mean lasting, satisfying ones (by the way: Here you will find out why orgasm problems do not provide any information about whether our relationship is healthy or doomed).
Meet Oskar Holzberg at the big BRIGITTE symposium on September 27th in Essen. Information at www.gettotext.de/academy
© Ilona Habben
But to come back to the question: are these relationships coincidental or hard-won? When I ask my wife why we’ve been together for so long, I get a very unromantic answer: She says we’re both stubborn and don’t give up easily. I think she’s right. We’re both children of divorce who decided to do it differently from our parents. We have made up our minds for each other and hold on to that even in difficult times. And we have a certain willingness to suffer: in other words, the conviction that life is not a pony farm.
Commitment in partnerships
All of this contributes to what is called commitment and what is expressly excluded as a mingle, for example. Commitment is the ability to commit oneself to a task with full devotion, to get involved and to stick with it when it gets difficult. You have to want a relationship. In this respect, a long-term partnership is always work. But rather in the way that we could regard eating as a kind of work, and those who only shovel junk food into themselves and not chew properly will run into problems. And also those who disregard their own feelings and those of their partner. Commitment means reading the emotional relationship barometer on a daily basis and always creating a good atmosphere. Sure, it’s luck to find someone to pull this off with you.
But anyone who thinks that the right “matching” is all that matters is wrong. Yes, there is a benefit in finding someone who suits our attachment type or shares our sexual preferences. But a relationship is not a math problem where 1 correct + 1 correct equals the lucky 2 forever. We are a different person with our partner than we would be without them. And we are a different person at 28 than we were at 48 or 63. We have many relationships within 30 years. And we sure need luck to be a couple for such a long time. What later appears to us as “lucky” were often other important factors that helped motivate us to remain a couple: children together, financial security, health, good friends, but also difficulties that we mastered together . But it remains crucial to always maintain the inner connection. And to share feelings sincerely: the good ones that bind us together, as well as the “bad” ones that threaten to divide us.