These 11 Common, Seemingly Innocent Phrases You Absolutely Should Not Say to Your Kids

In the presence of children, we all make sure to watch our language by avoiding, for example, bad words, subjects unsuitable for their ages or even meanness about someone they know. But if it seems normal to pay attention to these things, we should also do it for other types of sentences that are common and harmless at first glance.

According to HuffPost, these phrases, which we repeat regularly without realizing it, can be confusing and blur the messages we are trying to convey to children. Several experts therefore recommend avoiding them when speaking to them. Here are 11 of them.

1. “Could you?” or “would you like?”

Many of us have the habit of turning our sentences in an interrogative manner when talking to children. It’s a polite habit that we all have, but it’s best reserved for adults. For younger people, this can simply be unsettling. If you are giving an instruction, it is best to do so without asking questions.

Start with a question “implies an element of choice, giving the child the opportunity to say “no””, says Amy Jackson, early learning strategy manager at Primrose Schools, an education center. Instead, use a simple order: “Put your toys away, please”, “You need to put your toys away”, Or “It’s time to put away your toys.”. This wording indicates that the parent is not forcing the child to do something on a whim, but simply that it is time, in the day’s schedule, to tidy up.

2. “I’m not going to help you”

It is good to encourage children to do things for themselves, but this phrasee “can be discouraging and lead the child not to come to the parent later to ask for help”underlines Whitney Raglin Bignall, associate clinical director of On Our Sleeves, a movement fighting for children’s mental health.

The specialist suggests instead saying: “Try first and if you don’t succeed, come back and see me.”. This lets the child know that you believe in them, but are there to support them when needed.

3. “Nice job!”

Many of us grew up tailoring our behavior in ways that earned us this kind of praise from adults. But this type of very vague compliment is not specific enough to have a real impact on children. “It gives little indication of what they did right.”assures Amy Jackson.

When they do something good, be specific so they know what behaviors to repeat in the future. This could be sentences such as: “I see you clear the table and put the trash in the trash, thank you for helping us keep the kitchen clean”or “Good job getting rid of the dishwasher!”

4. “Be wise”

When we were little, we were all told one day sternly, just before arriving at strangers’ houses, at the supermarket or at the doctor’s office, that we “better keep your wits about youBut, again, asking children to be good isn’t specific enough to work. They lack experience and don’t always know what “good” behavior looks like in a given situation.

Instead, it makes more sense to explain to a child what exactly you expect from him: “I need you to stay next to the cart and only touch the food we are going to buy”.

5. “Calm down”

This may seem like the most obvious instruction to give to a child who is crying or throwing a tantrum, but in reality, it is not the right solution. “No one ever calmed down because they were asked to”argues Amy Jackson.

“Children need to know that it’s okay to have strong emotions and learn to self-regulate. Telling them to calm down, stop yelling, or move on can ‘is assuming that they can or know how to do it’, she continues. A hug, a few deep breaths together, or a discussion are best suited to help children who are experiencing intense feelings.

6. “It doesn’t matter”

Although a problem may seem insignificant to us, that does not mean that it is insignificant to our child. “These statements often invalidate the child’s feelings,” deplores Raglin Bignall.

“This can lead them to feel rejected or think that their feelings are not valuable. They may also doubt themselves and the validity of their emotions or experiences.”, she adds. Instead, try an open-ended question like: “This seems really important to you, tell me why you’re upset.”

7. “Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?”

If there’s one thing you don’t want when you’re a parent, it’s “our children feel punished and sad for having finally opened up and confided in us”, points out Raglin Bignall. Rather than focusing on our own feelings, it is better to listen to what they have to say, praising them for speaking up and letting them know that we are always there if they need us.

So, rather than saying: “Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?”try to answer with “Thank you very much for coming to talk to me about this.”suggests the expert.

8. End a sentence or request with “OK?” or “okay?”

Many people have the habit of adding “OK ?” Or “All right ?” at the end of a request in order to soften the question or appear more conciliatory. But children are not always able to understand this subtlety. Instead, give clear instructions about what you expect from the child and stop there.

Same thing if it is a simple declarative sentence like: “Mom is going to leave now.”. You should not end with a “OK ?” or one “All right ?”. You are not asking the child for their permission or opinion, you are simply telling them what is going to happen.

9. “Stop…”

While we sometimes need to stop our children from doing dangerous things, when it comes to less urgent behavior problems, the general rule is to use affirmative commands rather than negative ones. It is better to tell children what they should do rather than what they should not do.

Concretely, it is better to say: “Speak calmly”, rather than “Do not Cry” Or “Do not scream”. Again, it helps to be as specific as possible: “Walk beside me” Or “Keep your ball in your hand”, cites Raglin Bignall as an example. Framing requests this way helps keep a more positive tone.

10. “Do you think this is a good choice?”

It’s normal to want children to think about their behavior. But this particular sentence “sends an indirect message to the child, namely that he himself makes the choice to be “bad””deciphers Amy Jackson.

Instead, ask questions that will help the child come up with possible solutions on their own. Also, don’t hesitate to tell him again that he is always talented and good, even if he sometimes makes mistakes and sometimes does stupid things.

11. “Use your words”

This request ignores the fact that a child’s distress results from their limited ability to communicate how they feel. “If a child knew the words to express their feelings, they probably would”estimates specialist Jackson.

Instead, she recommends “ask simple, open-ended questions, in a calm, controlled manner”as : “What do you need?”, “How can I help you?”, “Tell me what happened”, Or “Do you feel sad, angry, anxious, etc.?”