they love each other, without living together

They love each other, but they have decided not to live under the same roof. What if this new kind of relationship promotes lasting love? Testimonials from those called "celicouples".

Every Friday for ten years, Maggy, 41, has been delighted to find her companion for a weekend. Like 1.8 million French people, according to an INED and INSEE survey published in May 2019, the two lovers form a “celicouple” or non-resident couple. Nicknamed the LATs – Living appart together (together but separated, Editor's note) – in Anglo-Saxon countries, these people love each other but do not want to live together.

In the collective imagination, where social pressure around the couple still reigns, moving in together when we are in love seems obvious. This is a step to take, before marriage and children. Or not. Indeed, some couples do not want to take the plunge for a lot of different reasons.

Being single … together

Maggy has Asperger's autism. If she enjoys spending time with her partner, she says she needs some time alone with herself. “We both appreciate this freedom. I am introverted, lonely and he, very extroverted, always surrounded by his group of friends ”, she confides. After having experienced life together for several years with her former companion, she would not come back to this pattern for the world. “The presence of the other is simply exhausting for a person with autism. Despite the love, I need to be alone ”. In addition to allow at Maggy to approach this difference more calmly, this organization contributes to the good functioning of their relationship: inevitably the feeling of lack sets in and it is a pleasure to meet again. "We are happy to meet again on weekends, without the daily worries", she tells us.

"Missing yourself is an important factor in creating desire", says Nathalie Lefèvre, coach, business manager, and author of Single couples (ed. Larousse), a work that deconstructs old relational patterns, imagined as the logical continuation of his first book It’s decided, I’m marrying!, published in 2018. “It's a ubiquitous question for many couples: how do we maintain desire in a place that belongs to us? Desire arises from mystery and from what escapes us. This ‘celicouple’ can also be a way to escape in order to find each other better ", she adds.

The quality of the time spent together

By refusing to share constraints and other daily worries, doesn't the couple risk enjoying only the “good sides” which do not always reflect the reality of a relationship? For Elizabeth, 25, in a relationship for three years, it is on the contrary a means of spending quality time together. "By not living together, we can choose the moments spent and preserve quality time, in addition to having time alone", says the young woman. More than the time we spend together, it is the quality that seems essential for these couples. Camille, 36, says: “My boyfriend and I are very much in love, but our relationship works very well with each having our respective accommodations. When I'm with him, it's because I reserved this space for him, that we wanted to see each other, to be intimate. It is never part of the furniture. It's been three years and I still can't wait to see him ”. As for the stigma which would imply that these people do not really form a couple, the young woman sweeps away: “I don't see why cohabitation should be a criterion to assess the success or failure of a relationship. Our commitment to each other is no less, on the pretext that we do not share a home. On the contrary, it is our way of listening to our respective needs ”.

Our commitment to each other is no less, on the pretext that we do not share a home

More freedom and independence

In addition to focusing on the shared moment, those who have made the choice not to live together wish to continue to exist as a person. "We have very independent personalities and we appreciate having the time to devote to our respective interests and projects, which we do not necessarily practice together", says Camille. “Some weeks we see each other more, others less, but in any case, I still have my own zone. It is my retreat space, where I can bring friends, family members, neighbors into my guide or stay alone and have the holy peace ”, continues the young woman. For Nathalie Lefèvre, it is important to "Not solely based all his emotional attention on the couple". "Do you want to be the only source of happiness for the other? For my part, I want to be a source of happiness among so many other people who make up my partner's existence ", she asserts. Behind the notion of "celicouple", it is a question of preserving his freedom, his autonomy, to leave room for the assertion of oneself and to appreciate that his or his partner does the same. "For me, love in its essence is something that sets us free, it is not something that constrains and enslaves us, it is not a place where we must reduce ourselves so as not to embarrass the other, start to look like the other forget oneself ”, adds the author.

Thrive alone to be happy as a couple

In short, the couple is no longer the space of constraint, renunciation or duty. It leaves room for self-realization. "I find it much smarter to imagine that today in a couple there are three: there is yourself, the other and the couple", Nathalie Lefèvre analyzes. And add: "I realized that I could not ask anyone other than myself to take charge of what is mine, to be already independent and to be in a happiness independent of the other, of the couple ”. Elizabeth says: "It is important for us not to position our couple as a central relationship in our existence and not always to pour out our emotions and moods on the other".

Sometimes, the fear of sentimental failure can push some people to avoid cohabitation. "I developed a real fear of commitment following my relationship with my ex", admits Millye, 24, who suffered all the mental load of the home. “For my girlfriend, moving in together would be another step in our relationship. Me, I'm afraid of having to manage everything alone, of having to behave like a housewife, of spending my days cooking, cleaning, etc. ”. The young woman prefers to work on her fears and her wounds before taking the plunge. Thrive on your own to develop a serene, peaceful relationship and find a certain balance together.

In a couple there are three: there is yourself, the other and the couple

“I believe that what can be good in 2020 is to say to yourself 'anything is possible'. There is no one model dedicated to love. There is what we do with it and how we put what we are ", says coach Nathalie Lefèvre. And Camille concludes: "Our relationship is fine with us: for whom, in the name of what should we change something that works wonderfully for both of us?" We should all know by now that there is no magic recipe for living happily as a couple ".

For further :
Single couples: The art of bonding without tying up, Nathalie Lefèvre (ed. Larousse)