Probably more people know about thoughts of suicide than talk about them. In any case, our author has had experience with it. But some kind of vision helped her to leave the toxic carousel of thought forever.
I had already decided how to do it, the only question was when. Am I sneaking out of the house tonight after my parents went to bed? Or tomorrow? Or will I wait a little longer, maybe until I'm 18? Definitely not longer than 30. How long would my parents mourn for me …?
I felt lost
Today my thoughts from then seem strange to me. When I was a teenager, they were my daily companion for a while. I felt lost, I was firmly convinced that I had no business in this world and that I could never get anywhere or belong. I wanted it to be over before my life even started.
My main problem, I now suspect, was puberty. Hormone chaos in combination with excessive sensitivity, fear of one's own emotionality, the tendency to feel responsible for everything bad in this world (baby boy syndrome), and a few other problematic character traits such as ambition and perfectionism drove me as a 15/16 year old into a world without hope and light.
You probably didn't even notice anything at the time. At least I did my best to hide what was wrong with me and how lonely I was feeling. In any case, I didn't tell anyone how I was doing. Everyone I thought would understand me – Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Franz Kafka, Albert Camus, and of course Albus Dumbledore – were either dead or could only be reached with an exclusive ticket for the Hogwarts Express. So I was alone with my thoughts. Evening after evening, the question again and again: When will you finally put an end to this?
If someone had said to me during this time: Life is such a unique gift, why don't you want it? Or: Okay, you are not doing well at the moment, but it is guaranteed to get better! – it would not have reached me. The former was too far removed from my own perception, for the latter I was still too young and inexperienced to believe it. Fortunately, one day I had an idea of my own that suddenly stopped my toxic carousel of thoughts.
The thought that changed everything
I don't know what exactly made me do it, but suddenly I saw and felt like I was in a theater. I thought, if the world was a play and I was in the audience, would I just walk out while the performance was still on? The answer was crystal clear to me: No, I wouldn't, not even if she's really bad. If I'm already there, I can stay seated and wait for the end – maybe there is a twist that makes the piece interesting. And even if it doesn't exist and I go out afterwards with the feeling that it was a total waste of time and absolutely pointless – what the heck? It's not like I had other plans.
Today I no longer understand why of all things this picture or thought game caused me to suddenly no longer see suicide as an option for me. But since the moment it hit my head, as far as I can remember, I have never thought about ending my life on my own, either as a teen or as an adult.
From the spectator to the recipient
In the meantime I have of course long since understood and experienced that I am not a spectator who has to wait for a positive twist, but that I play a role in which I can bring it about myself. From the bottom of my heart I feel life as a gift that I would not give away voluntarily at any price. But to reach this point, I needed time and openness to gain experience. And for that I had to leave my terrible carousel of thoughts from back then. I don't know whether others can also go through my exit. In any case, I believe and hope that everyone can find their own if they give themselves enough time to do it.
Do you have suicidal thoughts? The telephone counseling offers help. It is anonymous, free and available around the clock at 0800/1110111 and 0800/1110222. Some advice on e-mail is also possible. A list of nationwide aid agencies can be found on the website of the German Society for Suicide Prevention.