Toxic positivity
Why this phenomenon can be dangerous
The mantra "Positive Vibes Only" excludes being allowed to feel bad from time to time – and that is toxic.
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Several slogans demand "Good Vibes Only". But behind this lies a deceptive phenomenon: toxic positivity. Why permanent positive thinking and erasing negative emotions can be dangerous for us: an attempt to explain.
Toxic what? Toxic Positivity? One stumbles over this term more often lately. But this is not a fashion phenomenon, but an important countermovement to the consistently positive way of thinking and living that has become established.
Because if you scroll through Instagram, it takes less than ten minutes and there you are: inspiring quotes like "Stay Positive", "Happy Mind, Happy Life" or "Enjoy your life every day" – mostly wrapped in pretty pastel-colored pictures.
Help, there are empty phrases everywhere!
In many interpersonal relationships – whether at work or in private – these empty phrases have established themselves. With the saying "It'll work out, you shouldn't be so negative", a worry is quickly dismissed. And even from the radio the hint "No matter what comes, it will be fine, anyway" blares at you. But is it really going to be? Does this usually nicely meant advice help? No not true. This #alwayspositive view of life only suppresses negative emotions rather than solving problems.
Toxic positivity does not allow negative feelings
Psychologist Mary Hoang said in an interview with the Australian "Elle" that it is toxic positivity to the attempt act, to erase any negative emotion immediately – not only for yourself, but also for everyone else. An exclusively positive attitude is therefore the only correct concept that everyone should live by, explains author and psychologist Konstantin Lukin in the US journal "Psychology Today".
Why does everyone always try to be happy?
Quite a few people are afraid to let in their negative feelings. Many also cannot cope with the negative emotions of friends and loved ones. The positive phrases offer an easy way out. They save us from having to deal seriously with the misfortunes of others. The negative is immediately nipped in the bud instead of allowing it to happen. But that is dangerous for those affected, but also for the listeners.
If you stop negative feelings, you dull
You can't make unhappy people happy if you treat them with empty phrases like "I'll be fine". "We are emotionally very simple: either we have feelings – or not. We cannot choose these feelings," said psychotherapist Noel McDermott to the US online portal "Refinery29".
When we try to get rid of one type of emotion, we all get rid of them and become dull, even to positive emotions. That harms our inner being
McDermott continues.
The good thing about bad feelings? We need them! The psychotherapist also advises: "After all, they tell us a lot about whether a situation is safe for us or we should rather withdraw from it." So negative feelings are our armor against the outside world.
Empathic listening is the magic formula
And what is the best way to behave towards my loved ones and myself? If another person is not doing well, one should react empathically, give her undivided attention, Listen without prejudice and the Take feelings seriouslyexplains psychotherapist Noel McDermott. In this way, the other person feels understood, valued and learns that it is okay to allow negative emotions and to open up. And we all want that.
Phrases You Shouldn't Say:
- You get over it
- Just stay positive
- Just good vibes
- Stop being so negative
- Better think positively
- never give up
- See the good in everything
Answers you can give instead:
- You have mastered difficult things before and I believe in you
- I know a lot can go wrong. What could work?
- It's okay to be sad
- It is totally normal and okay to react / think negatively in this situation
- It's probably tough to stay positive right now. I put good energy into the world for you
- Sometimes giving up is okay
- It's never nice to feel this way, I understand. Is there anything we can do today that you enjoy?
- It's probably really hard to see anything good in this situation. We'll make sense of it later.
Sources used: refinery29.com, elle.com/au, psychologytoday.com