Men should persevere and women should be sexy. Media, films and porn convey a certain picture of how perfect sex and the people involved should look like. The pressure this creates is just one possible reason why some cannot fall into bed. Sex educator Gianna Bacio, who publishes the podcast "Love your Sex", explains in an interview with the news agency spot on news why you feel uncomfortable during sex and gives tips on how to overcome insecurities in bed.
Possible causes: fear of failure, ignorance and education
Fear of failure is one of the main causes of feeling uncomfortable during sex, explains Bacio. Men, for example, would often grow up with the wrong picture, "because porn is used as a means of education." In the sex movies, men are always portrayed as very powerful. "It can unsettle men. 'I can't afford' is often the idea with them."
Dissatisfaction with your own body also plays a major role. "Some are concerned with, 'Am I okay the way I am? Do I like other people?' Both men and women have blockages with their own bodies and this means that they cannot let themselves fall during sex – because they are not satisfied with their appearance, "explains Bacio. The main culprit is a norm that is set in the media – but which most people would not comply with.
The sex educator further explains that a lot depends on the experiences you have had. It could be that experiences from childhood or adolescence "later lead to the fact that in bed you do not know what you like and what you feel like doing. Often you also think you have to do something," says Bacio. Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship could feel uncomfortable with a new partner. "A long-term relationship can mean that you don't even know what you like today. If you have only played a certain portfolio with this one partner, it is difficult to think outside the box."
Education also had a major impact on later sex life. Bacio explains: "Sometimes sexuality is generally considered a taboo in families. Those who were brought up very strictly and with a lot of taboos later regard sexuality as something that is not really free and something that can be fun and sensual."
Get to know yourself – through masturbation
The first step to good sex: self-love. "First of all, only deal with yourself: with masturbation. If you know your body and know what you like, you can show it to your partner. As long as you don't know, experiment in a large dark field and do things that they actually don’t want at all – but do them because you think you have to, ”says Bacio, author of“ Hand on !: A Plea for Female Masturbation ”.
Masturbation is important because it allows you to train your body awareness and learn to like and trust yourself.
Refraining from wrong standards
Pleasant looks, passionate kisses and wild sex: In films, sex is often portrayed like this. This creates an ideal picture that does not correspond to reality. You have to refrain from these false standards, says Bacio, and instead focus more on yourself. "What is propagated in the media and shown in films does not necessarily have to be what you like. You do not have to do what others do. You should only do what is in your imagination and what you think you like. "
Speak honestly and openly about fears
Conversations are important in order to fully enjoy sex with your partner. "Disarming honesty really does a lot," says Bacio, adding as an example: "In a moment you could honestly say: 'I am nervous and just can't do what I want to do.'
She also gives this advice to partners who notice that their counterpart feels insecure: "Speaking things out ensures that the partner can open up." She also recommends that couples take away fears from one another. That works primarily through compliments. "You can make it clear to your partner that he is beautiful as he is. You can tell him and show through body language that you find him sexy. This creates an atmosphere in which the partner can let himself go – and build Blockages. "
Color in the worst case scenario
As a last tip, the sex educator recommends imagining a worst-case scenario. "What can happen if you do something 'wrong'? Even if you make a supposed mistake, nothing bad happens. And it is not reprehensible if something does not go according to plan: just try it out. You can make 'mistakes'!"