Strong story
Unfulfilled desire to have children
“I made a conscious decision to lead a fulfilling life”
Catherine Appia
© IrisZervos Photography
BRIGITTE reader Katharina Appia, 44, has had dark years: Even after four miscarriages, her wish to have children was not fulfilled. Today she enjoys life with her husband.
I’m sitting by the sea on a Greek island, watching the children playing in the waves, with a smile on my face. There were times in my life when the sight of children would have been heartbreaking. I am now thankful for my life and how it has developed.
Children are a gift and not everyone gets it
It was a long road to get here, which began nine years ago: I had the right man by my side, and at some point there was this irrepressible desire to raise a child together. We were mentally ready, had our jobs and a nice apartment.
What we didn’t know when I stopped taking the pill: Years between hope, despair and abysmal sadness with four miscarriages were to follow. A spiral of self-doubt, feeling left out and alone, and envy of friends, neighbors and work colleagues who supposedly had trouble-free pregnancies. So many open questions:
Who am I as a woman and does just having a child make me valuable? Why is this happening to us? What am I doing with my life instead and what is my purpose?
These questions led me to really dark spots in my being. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night tormented by this negative merry-go-round of thoughts in my head. I got up quietly, made myself some tea in the kitchen, cried and wrote my sorrow from my soul.
The more miscarriages I had, the more at a loss the doctors in the fertility clinics were: Was it because of our age (late 30s)? A genetic defect? A supposed insulin resistance?
We still don’t know for sure. And it is idle to speculate about it. Children are a gift. Some people get it and others don’t. And no, children are not distributed fairly.
Today we make ourselves nice
My husband and I decided at some point: It can’t go on like this. Then we made a decision that changed our lives: “We’re going to make things nice for ourselves and we’re done with our desire to have children,” my husband said to me one day, “I can’t see you suffering anymore.” The time of mourning and the subsequent healing was long.
Saying goodbye to the desire to have children is a process that cannot be measured in months. Three steps forward means one step back. It is accompanied by days of sadness and also by moments of relief when you can spend a Sunday morning in bed reading in peace.
The way to myself
This way of saying goodbye was at the same time a way to myself: Who am I? What values do I want to live by? Why do I actually want to become a mother and how can I shape my life so that I can still live out my care? What should my professional life look like so that I am happier?
I started looking at the world with curious eyes and knew there must be more to me.
Something that would connect me to other people, give me new professional purpose, make my heart skip a beat, and help me heal. At some point I found my way and I am incredibly grateful for that.
With new hope for the future
Going out into the world with my story also freed me up inside. I have completed systemic training, am a grief counselor, hypnosis coach and started the podcast “Everything there, just not Ella. (About) life) without a child”. In everything I have specialized in one topic: the desire to have children. I support People who have difficulties getting pregnant, who have to say goodbye to their desire to have children or who have suffered a miscarriage. What a fulfilling work! When, after a few sessions, I see how women no longer duck away, keep silent and don’t feel more worthless – that brings a whole new satisfaction in my life.
Today I value my self-determined life with a man at my side who is my equal. We can travel, occupy ourselves with our five godchildren, do sports, hold honorary positions and decide anew every day how we fill our lives with beauty.
The author: Katharina Appia is a fertility coach (praxis-appia.de) and lives with her husband in the Ruhr area. Her podcast “Everything there, except Ella. (About) life) without a child” can be heard on all common portals, you can find her on Instagram under @allesdanurellanicht.