Unfulfilled sexuality in the relationship
How important is sexual attraction in a relationship?
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Sometimes sexuality gets lost in the partnership. For what reasons does this happen? And what can you do about unfulfilled sexuality in the relationship?
A sexless relationship does not necessarily mean that the partnership is unfulfilling and not going well. In many cases, the unfulfilled sexuality in the relationship however, both partners. The reasons for changes in sex life are manifold. Can a relationship work without physical closeness? And how to revive the libido?
Especially at the beginning of a relationship couples talk little about their sex life. The most common reasons for this are shame and the more or less taking place taboo on sexuality. In addition, trust in the partner is not yet fully present and the fear of rejection is great. So couples often prefer to stick to boundaries set in movies or by our society rather than expressing their own desires. In the initial infatuation, this can be well cushioned. There are other things in focus here. The other person’s body is exciting and wants to be explored. Our brains are flooded with dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin and pheromones. Over time that decreases. This also changes the needs of the relationship for the first time.
How much sex does a healthy and fulfilling relationship need?
First of all, it should be noted that a healthy relationship can exist without sex. A sexually unfulfilled relationship is characterized only by the fact that there is dissatisfaction on both sides with regard to sex life. If both parties are comfortable not sleeping together, the relationship can work very well.
In other cases, it is perfectly normal for sexuality to fade into the background over time. That has, among other things biological reasons. Nature allows us to enjoy sexual intercourse so that we can procreate. The older we get, the less this reproduction plays a role. So it’s biologically engineered that with age, the sexual displeasure increases. But that doesn’t mean we’ll stop having sex at some point. Rather, quantity is replaced by quality.
According to study happy couples have about once or twice a week Sex. Nevertheless, it must be taken into account here that the results of statistics indicate average values. So there are couples who sleep together much more often and those who exchange tenderness once a month. So there is no universal answer to the question. In other words, the answer is: A healthy and fulfilling relationship requires as much sex as either party feels is necessary.
Causes of unfulfilled sexuality in the relationship
- relationship duration: Studies have shown that sexual passion decreases as the relationship lasts. But that does not mean that love and affection will decrease. In some cases it can even be beneficial if the focus is also distributed to things outside of togetherness, so that we can maintain our autonomy. However, it is important that both sides feel the same way. Otherwise, it may cause the proximity-distance problem or other tensions and problems.
- External circumstances: Is your job demanding all your strength right now? Or you have a heavy stroke of fate behind you? Some events require a lot of strength, and can involve a lack of desire for sex.
- Children: Are you new parents? So it’s normal that the shepherd’s hour is neglected. Between changing diapers, breastfeeding and parental care, sex life can quickly fade into oblivion.
- Proximity-distance problem: When one person needs too much closeness, it can overwhelm the other person who is looking for more distance. The former, on the other hand, can quickly feel rejected. The result? You drift even further apart.
- Mental illnesssuch as depression, can alter sex drive.
- Unfulfilled sexual preferenceswhich are not spoken and thus not fulfilled, can also have a negative impact on sex life.
What to do if your partner no longer shows any sexual interest?
You notice that your:e partner:in no longer shows any sexual interest? Then it’s worth taking a look at the whole thing first. Have your or his:her circumstances changed? Are there unspoken things between you? Do you still feel loved and valued? It is important to think about these questions because an unfulfilled sexuality in the relationship is not always due to sex problems. Perhaps your loved one feels stressed at work or is struggling with their health. Try not to take the reluctance personally. It sure isn’t easy. If our partner turns away from us sexually, we quickly no longer feel desired. Our egos are bruised and we threaten to become more hateful. Often the sex break is not up to us. Not talking is not a solution. In the worst case, frustration can lead to fling. Then the relationship is in jeopardy.
Can a relationship succeed without fulfilled sexuality?
A platonic love can do without sex. This relationship can be just as beautiful as any other. The togetherness is drawn from other things. For example, from emotional closeness, kissing or cuddling. If both partners don’t want sex, there is no problem.
It is different when both parties enter into a relationship with frequent, passionate sex. If it decreases over time and both are satisfied with it, there is no problem here either. However, it becomes difficult when an imbalance arises.
How to bring sex back into the relationship?
Many couple and sex therapists have already dealt with the topic of unfulfilled sexuality in relationships. Here are the most important tips.
- Communication: As with all other problems in the relationship, communicating together is essential. We often assume that our counterpart should have an inkling of what is going on inside us. It is not so. If we do not express desires, they cannot be fulfilled.
- A balance of give and take is the key to a happy long-term relationship. And not only that. According to researchers, sexuality should also be more fulfilling as a result.
- More than a team: Sometimes in a partnership you get to the point that you only see each other as a team or as a couple. Listen to yourself: Are you really only connected by organizational tasks or do you long for physical contact? If the latter is the case, it is worth planning regular time for two. Sex is not just the icing on the cake, but an essential need in a passionate partnership. Love needs closeness.
- Approach slowly: Your sex life has died down for a while, but is it tending to thaw out again? Take your time. This way you can rediscover each other and, above all, your preferences.
- Autonomy: If we quarrel with ourselves, we like to look outside for confirmation. In doing so, we tend to instrumentalise the desires of our counterparts. The crux, however, is still feeling loved even if you don’t get any confirmation from your partner.
- Away with the shame: We often find it difficult to reveal our secret preferences. This prevents good sex and creates frustration. It’s certainly not easy to talk about an intimate desire, but studies have shown that revealing sexual preferences does not repel a partner. On the contrary: couples are becoming happier and are actively looking for intersections of their preferences. This creates emotional closeness at the same time.
Unfulfilled sexuality in the relationship: when to separate?
Unfulfilled sexuality in the relationship does not always have to be a reason for separation. In the first step, it is worth talking about the problems and wishes. Maybe you’re having a conversation. This way you can communicate your personal wishes and goals without blaming each other. Of course, it can still happen that your sex life no longer picks up speed. Even then, it’s important that you sit down and think about how your relationship still has a chance. It sure isn’t easy. Letting go is often difficult – even if we are in an unhappy relationship. At the same time, our lifetime is limited. We should not sacrifice them for something that makes us unhappy. True love doesn’t have to be forever and breakups aren’t defeats. On the contrary: They allow us to grow.
Sources used:
- “Relationship Duration and Passion”, Federal Center for Health Education2009
- “Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better”, researchgate.net2015
- “Intimacy and Desire: Sexual Passion in Enduring Relationships” by David Schnarch, 2012
- “Becoming a family – staying a couple: How to master an important transition in life” by Hans Jellouschek and Bettina Jellouschek-Otto, 2014