If we notice that we are being manipulated by someone, there is only one thing to do: distance from this person! But what if we don't notice – because the person is micromanipulating us? Don't worry: we'll reveal how you can tell that too.
Manipulation is a typical behavior pattern of narcissists – it is often said. But the truth is, a lot of people who don't have a narcissistic personality disorder also manipulate in order to assert their interests: The big sister who tells aunty how much the little ones would like to see her again and thus – whoops – organizes the free babysitter. The supervisor who mentions the badly running business in every meeting so that nobody in the staff interview gets the idea to ask for a raise. Or the acquaintance who explains long and broadly while eating, how tight she is at the moment, in order to be invited again to vino and pasta.
Certainly something like that is not nice, but it is not necessarily a drama either – especially since we usually recognize what has happened in retrospect at the latest, and this may not allow us to be so easily steered the next time we try to manipulate it. It gets worse when manipulation turns into emotional blackmail. B. the partner threatens to harm himself as soon as you want to leave him. Or when a manipulation is so subtle that we don't even recognize it as such. In this case, some experts speak of "micromanipulation".
"Micromanipulations aim to arouse the sympathy and empathy of the partner and to play out the self-perceived victim role," writes author Kristy Lee Hochenberger in "Psychologytoday". It is for those concerned – consciously or unconsciously – to gain control over others and especially their feelings and thoughts. We'll now reveal what exactly constitutes micromanipulation and how you can recognize it.
5 characteristics by which you can recognize micromanipulation
1. Short, casual comments with a heavy finish
In contrast to the examples mentioned, such as babysitting or the "who pays the bill" question, the core topic is never really addressed in micromanipulation. If your sister were to keep casually dropping subordinate clauses about how well her friend's sister always supports them with the children, it could be micromanipulation. Your relationship and your role as an aunt was never a topic of conversation, but you still get a guilty conscience because you don't play the babysitter more often.
2. Contentless actions that attract attention
A variant of micromanipulation is to simply grab your attention and make you curious – e.g. For example, with a message that is immediately deleted, a call that ends immediately, or a seemingly random encounter in your neighborhood for which there is no explanation. In all of these cases, you feel compelled to ask what was or why the person in question is in your area, giving them what they want: attention.
3. No choice but to feel sorry for yourself
Often times, micromanipulations leave the person being manipulated with a feeling of compassion for the person being manipulated. The kind of pity that makes you think: "Wow, and he takes it so bravely!" Those who micromanipulate portray themselves as victims without complaining too much or openly communicating about their own suffering. Like, "I'm getting thrown out of my apartment, but how are you? You look totally overworked?"
4. Difficult chunks in easy conversation
It is typical of micromanipulations that they are interspersed with everyday, light conversations. If you don't expect it, suddenly something like "I have to see the oncologist before I pick up the children" suddenly drops – and you are initially speechless before you of course ask carefully and inquire about what's going on.
5. Those who micromanipulate want to be in the center
The clearest characteristic that you will hang out with someone who is micromanipulating you is that that person is always at the center of your attention, feelings, thoughts, or conversations for whatever reason. Not so much because she talks about herself all the time, but because she makes you respond to her, ask questions, want to listen.