watch out for this growing phenomenon.

Pointed out for the first time in the 1970s, the phenomenon of “child parenting”also known as “parentalization”, alerting more and more specialists. In France, it is 20 years later that the psychiatrist Jean-François Le Goff studies it and presents his conclusions on the question. But what does that really mean? During this psychological process, the child actually becomes the parent of its parentoften unintentionally. “[La parentification] leads a child or adolescent to take on greater responsibilities than their age would suggest”writes the psychiatrist in his book.

That reversal of roles happens almost naturally: the parent is not ill-intentioned at the start; he is just not necessarily aware of what he is doing to his child or of the consequences induced by his behavior. He comes to seek from the latter what he has not found from his elders: support. Parentification is therefore often expressed in parents who are emotionally immature. Of course, the parent is the one who imposes this phenomenon first. But once he has integrated it into his functioning, the child automatically offers himself as support.

How does parentification manifest itself?

There are two dimensions to parentification: on the one hand, emotional parentification ; on the other hand, the instrumental/practical parentification. They give rise to different types of parentified children.

• Emotional parentification: the confidant child, therapist, best friend of his parent

The parent pours out his emotions on his child, who then puts on the costume of confidant. He confides secrets to the latter and turns to him for comfort. Thus, he verbally inundates him with his moods, his emotions, whereas the young person does not necessarily have the shoulders to deal with these “negative” emotions; even less when they are not his.

Beneath this ocean of negativity, the young person may feel overwhelmed and end up drowning their own emotional needs to erect those of his parents as a priority. All the toxicity of this behavior is based on the fact that there is no no reciprocity : if the young person is an emotional support for his father or his mother, he himself does not find a pillar when he needs it.

Common examples of emotional parenting: the father will complain about the mother to the child; one of the parents will ask the child for advice on situations in which he does not have the necessary maturity; the child will play the role of mediator and temper family conflicts…

• Instrumental parentification: the crutch child, over-empowered

Besides the emotional side, there is also the convenience. Thus, a parentified child will be assigned homeworkof the tasks and household responsibilities that are not age-appropriate. Shopping, preparing the meal, watching his little brother while the parents are away, are all chores unsuitable for a young child in the process of development.

Why is the child parentified?

It’s often because of his experience that the dad and/or the mom parentifies his child. By “using” his offspring in this way, he actually heals his cracks and his weaknesses, without necessarily making him aware: he fills a lack of affection, relieves himself of certain emotions, relieves himself of responsibility for inconvenient tasks. Very often, it is therefore in the childhood of the parentifying adult that we find the origin of this phenomenon.

But of major life changes, which also directly affect young people, can cause this shift towards adolescent parentification; parentification that was not necessarily present before: separation, divorce of both parents, death of one of the parental figures, unemployment…

How can parentification be harmful to the child?

While the origins of parenting are diverse and varied, the effects are often harmful for the child concerned. In fact, not letting your youngster live their childhood life has many consequences on their development. An essential dimension of his life is taken away from him: recklessness. He takes on adult responsibilities that shouldn’t concern him, and ends up being stressed out in a phase of his life when he shouldn’t be worried. This stress can then turn into anxietyin depressionor manifest as other mental disorders more or less serious, likely to continue into adulthood.

Sincehe puts his emotions in the background, that he does not necessarily find recognition for his devotion to the parent, the child feels neglected and invalidated in his emotions as in his behavior. As he grows up, he will become a teenager and an adult who is critical of himself, perfectionist, and will often be inclined to feel guilty for everything and nothing.

Certainly, empowering your child can be part of a healthy educational process and allow him to anchor himself in reality, to nourish his sense of responsibility and to mature in fine. It often happens that the parent asks his child to carry out such a task or that he addresses him as an adult: as long as it is punctual and constructive, it is not dangerous for his psyche.

However, this can switch into the “unconstructive parentification” if the parents are not vigilant. In fact, experts believe that the process of parenting becomes unhealthy when it is recurrent and prolonged over time. To avoid parentifying your child, psychologists therefore recommend asking yourself two questions before entrusting him with a mission: 1) Who owns the needs that will be met by this action? ; 2) Is the request appropriate for his age?

Open-minded and in love with life, Emilie likes to decipher the new phenomena that shape society and relationships today. Her passion for the human being motivates her to write…