"'Papa always has choco krispies in the mornings," says Carl (12), staring sullenly into his wholegrain cereal without touching it. As his mother, I have to adhere to myself that I don't make his dad bad in front of him:' That is totally unhealthy ', I think,' he spins! '
Since our separation two years ago, I have increasingly felt that I am being pushed into a competition with Carl's father that I can only lose. With him, the weekend dad, there are burgers, computer games until night and the beloved cola in liter bottles – fun and no obligations. For me, on the other hand: homework, cleaning up the room, salad for the casserole and mineral water for drinking. I can only lose then, right? "
What this mother describes is also experienced by other separated women, who mostly look after their children themselves. They live with the feeling that they have the more ungrateful job: as they struggle with the children through the stressful everyday school life, the weekend dad offers the children more or less everything they want – free from the constraints and duties of everyday life.
How can mothers deal with it – and what does it actually do with the children? An interview with Birgit Spieshöfer, a graduate psychologist.
BRIGITTE.de: Weekend fathers are often characterized by the fact that they are their children fulfill almost every wishwhile the mothers cope with the stressful everyday life. Do you still have to fear that the children will soon prefer dad to her?
Birgit Spieshöfer: The first premise is: children love their parents. The thought "Dad is great, Mom is stupid" is an adult attitude. Children don't feel that way. Children are incredibly smart on levels to which we as adults have hardly any access. They perceive areas from which we have long been out. And they can very well distinguish where they are and where which rules apply.
But is this separation not problematic: the duties here, the fun there?
There is a basic need for structure and security in humans, but also a need for expansion, freedom and limitlessness. These are both qualities that cannot be assessed at first. There is a saying that parents should let their children grow roots and wings. Both are important and relevant.
What does this division into two different living environments do with the children?
Children crave for structure, support and security in order to try themselves out and test their limits. You will learn: Mama gives me stability and security through clarity and structure. On the other hand, they also perceive that the one who can hardly set limits is less stable – there is uncertainty or ambiguity if I can just get everything allowed. The less stability a child has in itself, the more unsettled it can be.
How can mothers deal with the situation?
It is very important that mothers do not have to make up for what the children experience elsewhere. Regardless of the child's father, they should create their own space, create their own rules, set limits and then adhere to them. And they should best enable both, structure and freedom: Mothers could also let the children freely choose what to eat, or allow them to stay up as long as they want one Saturday a month.
But the unpopular everyday duties still hang on the mother …
These are only duties because we make them so: cleaning up and doing homework can be fun if you find a way to deal with it differently. For example, by involving the children in the household and showing them that cleaning and tidying can also be fun. First of all I have to see for myself how much fun it is. I pass that on.
What do I do if I don't like the parent's upbringing style?
Then you should talk to the other parent and say, for example: “I think that so many computer games and so much chocolate are not good for our child. I would wish that you set more limits. Also asking, "Is there a reason why you don't do this?" Can help. You can't do more. Then you have to let go, otherwise you get tired.
Graduate psychologist Birgit Spieshöfer
What if the parents no longer understand each other?
The worst thing for separated children is when the parents don't like each other and talk badly about each other. That makes something very difficult with them, because they are part of the mother and father. They experience deep inside: If my mom doesn't like my papa, then she doesn't like me either. If these parents realize this, they may be able to start being more careful with each other and their children.