what are the different stages to overcome?

A death is real pain in a lifetime, unspeakable grief. Whether it is due to an illness, an accident, a death of old age, concerning a child, a parent or a loved one, mourning is so complicated. Different emotions have to be overcome. Everyone goes through several steps to get their heads out of the water. A whole process is underway.

"To grieve". What a difficult expression to define! The loss of a loved one is a huge cataclysm in his life. And what about that of a child? Suicide, death of old age, accident, illness … The reactions and emotions are different for each individual when faced with a deceased loved one. You should not feel guilty for feeling, or not, such or such a feeling. emotions sum up your daily life. There is a grieving process / work to go through. Facing this harsh reality is an insurmountable mountain for many. However, we must move forward, life must be lived despite indefinable sorrow. Mourning is a moment in everyone's view. A common point. We cannot escape it. Steps must therefore be taken like emotional elevators to continue living in the absence of the missing person. Paul Valéry, writer, poet, philosopher, said: "Death is a surprise that brings the inconceivable to the conceivable."

What is mourning?

"Grief signs the breaking of the emotional bond with the loved one. This de facto leads to the healing process of the severed link. This is what the grieving process is all about. She is an incredible intelligence who knows exactly how to proceed to heal the inner wound and preserve the whole psyche. ", states better-traverser-le-deuil.fr.

The time of mourning cannot be generalized. The various factors of death (health or accident), the internal resources of the bereaved, the nature of the relationship with the deceased (parent or child), relatives or family as support are data to be taken into account.

Many quotes from illustrious women and men have been passed down from century to century on this subject of mourning. In the book "Mourning and Melancholy" Sigmund Freud said: "In mourning, the world has become poor and empty, in melancholy, it is the me itself. " Mourning is like his pain, a given that we cannot limit our thinking.

"In an era subject to the injunctions of speed and performance, the grieving process is blurring. No, grieving can't go as fast as Google finds a restaurant, and no there is no way to get through it faster. A period of mourning is a long period of transformation that is measured in years. ", says psychologist Stéphanie Thévenet, on his site.

According to the platform Meilleur-traverser-le-deuil.fr, of which Christophe Fauré, psychiatrist and psychotherapist, is a member, there are four phases of mourning. And for the Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, in her book "On Death and Dying " (translated under the title The last moments of life) published in 1969, it is about a theory of mourning which is based on five stages. This model is called Kübler-Ross, or DABDA (from the English name of the five phases).

Four or five steps? Let's go back to these famous stages of mourning which are the most important in our eyes, to better face the loss of a parent, child or loved one.

Denial, amazement

"This is wrong, he / she is not dead, I do not believe it. "It is the very first of emotions. Protective mechanisms are thus the law to preserve us. Our emotions are as if numbed when the announcement of death occurs, because it is a real trauma. Anger can happen very quickly, when the incomprehension is total and it can have repercussions on the entourage, the family. According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, "anger is the stage where the pent-up feelings from previous stages are released. "

The research

Some people want to get as far away as possible from this death, which happened suddenly or not. There is a desire to flee reality, suffering, pain, the images of one's loved one. They thus focus on mobilizing their energy on things that are easily accessible: a quest for work, hyperactivity, various and varied addictions …

The Depression

The shock of death takes place, the broken relationship is understood. A depressive state gradually sets in with unmistakable signs: loss of interest in the outside world, lack of energy and concentration, great sadness and obsession with the missing person. The landmarks in her life are completely blurred, loneliness becomes such a sad companion.

Heal and rebuild

Awareness can give way. "I have to move on, I can't stay like that."The lived relationship with the loved one is perpetuated within us. In the mind and the heart. She continues to 'live' in this way, a call to memories. It is a work on oneself. The following days will become less gloomy. You start to see your loved ones again. Writing and listening are the allies of choice for its reconstruction. New activities, too, allow a return to values ​​of solidarity, loneliness will disappear.

"Far from locking us in the anguish of death, the precariousness of our human life invites us to grasp the inestimable flavor of the present moment. This is the last lesson of the one who left … By his death, he implements us even more in life … In a life where we now accept to live without him and where we learn, feeling his silent presence by our side, to say 'I love you' with full knowledge of the facts."can we read in Christophe Fauré's book," Living in mourning day by day ".

Mourning or bereavement requires different stages and real psychological work. This state of loss is an emotional process. The bereaved person experiences such intense emotions: fear, guilt, anger, irritation, revolt, depressive experience … Shame, anguish, distress can also be felt, psychic work of mourning will gradually change these emotions. "To evacuate death is to silence it, it is also to silence mourning. However, society fills this void with presuppositions and inappropriate injunctions which add suffering to suffering."affirms the site Meilleur-traverser-le-deuil.fr. The famous guilt is present in the work of mourning. This pain can torment the bereaved person to the point of obsession.

In this waking 'nightmare', don't hesitate to get help. Special attention is to be had. This phase of mourning is not that simple. From stage to stage, his psychological state evolves. Founded in 1995 by a psychiatrist named Michel Hanus, Empreintes is an association made up of fifteen volunteers, ten psychologists and develops through five missions: support, training of professionals, research, information and mobilization. And as the Cancer Foundation points out, "Most people get through this difficult time on their own and with the help of family or friends. If the grief remains overwhelming, it may be worth seeking a solution. professional assistance. "

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Video by Loïcia Fouillen