He forces you to do things you don’t approve of. She forces you to do her a favor, “as if it were nothing”. It influences your view of your colleagues, friends or family. She makes choices “for your good” without consulting you beforehand… What if she was a manipulator?
In love, in friendship, at work, in a relationship… What is a manipulator?
“The manipulative personality is a specialist in intrusion into the psychic space of his victim” describes psychopractitioner Géraldyne Prévot Gigant. Concretely, what does that mean? “The manipulative man/manipulative woman influences our judgment, forces us to do certain things and manipulates our social relationships.“
A manipulative person may, for example, subtly lead us to discuss themes that we would prefer not to discuss (our traumas, our childhood, our beliefs, etc.). She will be able to make decisions for us on the grounds that “I know you by heart, you are made for this!”. She may deliberately provoke conflicts at work, at home or within the family, to pit her victims against each other.
“Manipulators play on the weak points of their victims: for example, an inability to say “no”, a fear of loneliness, or a desire to “do well” or to be “well seen”explains the psychopractitioner. These are people who are very good at spotting the heartstrings in others.“
Attention ! “It is imperative to be vigilant when labeling someone “manipulative”warns Géraldyne Prévot Gigant. People who suffer from a significant inferiority complex or a serious lack of self-esteem/self-confidence may feel impressed by a boss or spouse. , an “impressive” friend – quite extroverted and/or fulfilled. This person is not necessarily manipulative: they simply refer you to your own insecurities!“
Signs to recognize a manipulative man or a manipulative woman
How to recognize a manipulator? “The first question to ask yourself is “did this person force me to do things I didn’t want to do? Did they influence the way I perceive a person or an event?” replies the psychopractitioner.
Second clue: “trust your intuition. The manipulator often gives a feeling of diffuse unease upon first meeting. There is generally a negative feeling at the start of a relationship… that we don’t necessarily listen to” describes the expert.
“If you are not sure whether you are dealing with a manipulator, do not hesitate to seek advice from a professional – psychologist, psychotherapist or psychoanalyst.advises Géraldyne Prévot Gigant. This specialist will be able to give you an objective point of view on your situation. It’s healthy to ask for help!“
How to counter a toxic manipulator? What are its weak points?
How do you deal with a manipulator around you? The most effective solution is to cut ties with this decidedly toxic man/woman. But unfortunately this is not always possible, especially when the manipulator is a colleague or a family member…
Psychic distance to destabilize a manipulator
“I believe that the best behavior to adopt with these people is to take a step aside: observe this man/woman as a subject of study, leaving your feelings and emotions aside. Look at how he/she functions, note his/her inconsistencies and weak points, observe his/her way of dealing with those around him/her” recommends Géraldyne Prévot Gigant. This healthy psychic distance will allow you to escape the clutches of the manipulator.
How to shut up a manipulator? Using facts!
The psychopractitioner also advises you to “write down in a notebook all the facts that could be used by this toxic personality : what she says, what she does, the choices she influences… This way, you will remain anchored in reality and will be much more difficult to manipulate!“
Furthermore, taking notes on each other’s behavior allows you to catch the manipulator in the wrong, if necessary: ”it is complicated to deny the truth when it is supported by precise and documented facts“. Ultimately, the manipulator’s real weak point is the truth…
Taking the time to think, a good anti-manipulation strategy
“To implement his manipulation techniques, the manipulator often relies on the spontaneity of his victim: he hopes that he/she will react immediately to please him/her, to do well or to be well seen.adds Géraldyne Prévot Gigant. Forcing yourself to take some time to think before each action (or before each choice) that involves the influence of this toxic person is the best way to prevent them from doing harm. And a good way to remain impervious to his stratagems.“
Thanks to Géraldyne Prévot Gigant, psychopractitioner and author of 50 exercises to free yourself from toxic relationships (ed. Eyrolles).
Read also :
⋙ Emotional codependency: what are the signs and how to get out of this toxic disorder? Answers from psychologists
⋙ Narcissistic pervert: a psychologist’s method to identify a toxic personality on the first date
⋙ Toxic relationship: Recognize the signs and how to react