We always suspected that most men are NOT just about sex. And what shall we say? Our suspicions were confirmed – by an expert!
Men supposedly think about sex about every 7 seconds (twice as often during puberty). And when you address a woman, it is always with the ulterior motive of getting her to bed. This notion is so common and ingrained in our minds that when he doesn't want to sleep with us we sometimes even ask ourselves: Doesn't he find me attractive? And that we see it as "typically male" to be out for sex.
But it is high time to say goodbye! And that's not what we say, but someone who should know: Jed Diamond, 73, psychiatrist, therapist – and without a doubt a man. In a blog post on "goodmanproject" Diamond writes: "How often do we hear the statement 'Men only want sex?' When I was 17, I was sure it was true. When I was 37, I suspected that it could be wrong. Today, at 73, I know for sure that it is not true. "
Safe haven instead of sex
What his life experience and his numerous conversations with patients and other representatives of his gender have revealed to him: More than anything else, men want security and security, a home and a "safe haven". This longing, according to Diamond, is ultimately also behind her desire to sleep with someone.
Sex "gives us a feeling of peace and a sense of home that goes far beyond the satisfaction of sexual pleasure," writes the psychologist. He is a kind Break and relaxation from the pressure of performance and competition, under which men in particular often find themselves (let's leave it that way – but definitely doubt that the social competitive pressure is really greater for men than for women !!!). But actually men could just as easily do without sexual intercourse – if they got security in return.
"One of the things I love most is putting my head in my wife's lap and letting her scratch it," wrote Diamond. No sex, but a safe haven. The only question that arises is: If Diamond is right, why do we so seldom hear men say "Let's just cuddle today"or"Please just be there for me"?
Fear of being unmanly
Because, according to the expert, one of the greatest fears of many men (especially heterosexual) is to come across as unmanly. And to let yourself be mothered and admit that you want protection and security is not considered particularly masculine …
Which brings us to the reasons Diamond tries to explain why women often find it difficult to give men the long-awaited safe haven (without being asked to): "Women fear men who don't feel masculine. They know that most men who become violent are men who feel weak and dependent, "says the psychologist. He also suspects that women actually want more" male "partners because otherwise they would be more like a mother instead of feeling like a partner.
The nice thing about Diamond's thesis is: It doesn't matter if it's true or not. If we work on the underlying problem, we can only win! Because if fear, in both men and women, is the main reason men get "reduced" to their sex drive and can't get what they really want, the solution is clear: We all just need a little more courage (e.g. to be honest and different). More courage and (self) confidence!
Video Tip: This sex position is the most common form of argument in relationships