Losing a loved one forever is by far the hardest experience we have in life. Our author tells what helps her most in her grief.
Losing my parents before I am grown up and strong enough to deal with it has always been my greatest fear. All other fears, e.g. For example, going into the dark basement alone or accelerating a car to 120 km / h has subsided over time and experience. Only this one fear has haunted me for as long as I can remember, through all phases of my life. Unfortunately, on January 29, 2017, that fear became a reality. I was almost 30 that day, but Far from grown up or strong enough to deal with my father's death. And unfortunately it was precisely with this fear the reality is much worse than my imagination …
God was no help
To be honest, at the time I was actually annoyed that I couldn't just believe in God and heaven. The thought of my dad chilling out on a cloud with our white shepherd dog and throwing her a few balls every now and then would definitely have been uplifting. After all, I had my dangerous half-knowledge about the law of conservation of energy, which supposedly says that energy in our universe is never lost, but always only converted. So I could at least imagine that some of my father's energy passed on to me after his death. ?
Papa is always right
Of course, it wasn't a scientifically unfounded and completely unqualified imagination that gave me the strength to continue – my father gave me that! He was a really great, lovable, loving, responsible and very smart person that I have always admired. In one of our last conversations (which I didn't know at the time, my father died very surprisingly for me!) He said to me, that he believes in me, is proud of me and convinced that I am going my way. I don't remember the exact wording, but the message was clear. And that made a deep impression on me because I never saw my father as someone who said things like that lightly.
I have to make it clear that at that time it absolutely didn't look like I was going to get my life straightened out in the near future: I had a job that made me deeply unhappy, financial problems and as you can imagine, that's why I was mentally in pretty bad shape. But my father was still proud of me – and dad was always right!
© Susanne Schumann / private
My father enriches my life – until today
After my father died, it rained for a few weeks in northern Germany (no joke, check the weather records!) And after that my life only went uphill: I switched from my professional hell to my absolute dream job, got my money handling under control (despite a manageable salary?) (for me the magic word was simply "set priorities") and my self-confidence rose easily to a solid level, where you really feel like living again.
Perhaps the early thirties are predestined for these kinds of things to happen. My father also once told me that as a young man he was insecure and only became really self-confident when he was 30. But in my case something else played a very important role: My father convinced me! He believed in me and certainly had good reasons for it. So I started to believe in myself too. And that was obviously the decisive measure for me to find my path that makes me happy.
More than a message
I know that most people have completely different fathers, circumstances and problems than I do. But what actually helped me to cope with the death of my father wasn't so much his message and my self-confidence boost – that "only" helped me to cope with my life. Above all, I found consolation in the knowledge that my father has shaped and influenced my life so much to this day, even though he is no longer directly with us. When I'm scared and facing a challenge, I tell myself Dad believes in me and I feel new courage. When I feel stressed and overwhelmed, I remember that Dad is proud of me (and even was when he had a lot fewer reasons to do so than today) and I realize that I'm only stressed because I am too much ask of me.
My father lives on not only in my memory and heart, but in all of my actions and decisions – because he gave me sooo much. I believe this is true of most people who when they leave they leave someone behind who loves them and who they loved. In any case, this fact helps me to accept that my papa can no longer answer me or see how well I am now. It doesn't really help against the missing, the pain and the tears. But against the bewilderment, the helplessness and the strife.
What I personally found very beneficial:
- To write letters: Although I hadn't spoken to him every day before his death, I have been terribly missing the exchange with my father ever since! It makes me incredibly sad that he doesn't notice so much. That's why I regularly write him letters in which I update him about everything – on his birthday, the day of his death, Father's Day or just like that, when I feel like it. I just talk to him as much as I used to sometimes do. It feels good to me every time.
- Travel to the sea: We said goodbye to my father at a funeral at sea and I really have to admit: When I was at the sea for the first time afterwards, I somehow felt very close to him! That was very surprising for me, because I always thought that I was not so receptive to the supernatural, but no – even in me there is apparently a glimmer of spirituality. Since that experience, it has been clear to me that I want to go to the sea at least once a year to visit "my father's grave". After all, such a feeling of closeness is almost a bit like real closeness …