what if we rehabilitated routine sex?

Just because you love to have sex on Sunday mornings doesn't mean you're deadly bored. Soft, routine sex, often pejoratively referred to as "vanilla sex", is also synonymous with pleasure.

Spice up your relationship, increase your orgasms tenfold, test the latest fashionable position such as the deployed eagle or the speed bump … As pop culture invades us with new alternative sexualities, it is not surprising to see what to do here love in bed in the most classic way gets a bad rap. This conventional sexuality has a name: the vanilla sex. This term appeared in the 1970s to designate any sexual activity that did not fall under sadomasochism or the queer fan, then in full swing in the community at the time.

What is "vanilla sex"?

The Millennial Bible, the Urban Dictionary (urban dictionary, Editor's note), qualifies vanilla sex as "Sexual relations not involving twists, fetishes or sadomasochism". It would be "ordinary and regular sex, typically sweet, joyful and romantic".

Note that the word "vanilla" is especially used by people refusing to indulge in it, in a deprecating way. But then why this aroma? Because vanilla is reputed to be a classic, even banal scent. Everyone loves vanilla. "This mainly alludes to vanilla ice cream which is considered the most basic flavor, " John Kelly, researcher at Dictionnary.com, explains to Slate.

Most people use it to describe sex that seems simple and classic. The missionary would therefore be the height of boredom. "In the subconscious, the missionary evokes the 'easy' position of the couple together for a long time, a position performed routinely every Saturday evening" says Charlotte Tourmente, doctor and sex therapist. "That of the father and mother who no longer have the time or the energy for sexuality".

Where does the shame of vanilla sex come from?

"We live in a consuming society, where novelty and the overbearing of practices are considered much more interesting. We need an ever more daring, ever more transgressive sexuality … (However, it does not correspond to all couples and it does would not thrive all couples) " notes the sex therapist. She adds : "In contrast to this sexuality relayed in the media and on the internet, more" classic "sexuality can seem more boring and less attractive. But in fact, a missionary can bring a lot of pleasure and vanilla is not necessarily synonymous with failure. It all depends on what we put behind this term, how it is practiced and how couples experience it ".

Pornography has also helped to trivialize wild and even violent sex. "Pornography is a staging, it favors the positions where we see the best penetration and which are the most 'spectacular', and not the more banal sexuality and more often practiced" explains Charlotte Tourmente. "But there is also the evolution of the company, which likes variety, zapping, discovery, which cannot stand boredom and the importance of performance at all levels … Everything is not X's fault " . In relationships, boredom and routine get a bad rap. They are, however, inevitable, as the sex therapist reminds us. Like the morning kiss on Friday evening in front of Koh-Lanta or Sunday brunch, making love quietly on weekends is one of those little routines shared with each other that are good. Philosophers also speak of rehabilitating boredom as favorable to creativity, to the point that idleness becomes a way of life in the Netherlands, the "niksen".

Vanilla sex, reassuring and comforting

By drawing a parallel with the food, it is the ham and shells of the food (a reassuring side, comforting and one does not have to make an effort)!

Women interviewed by the magazine InStyle agree that vanilla sex is more intimate and vulnerable than a hot frenzy. “It's my favorite because we're face to face and I feel like I'm protected. But at the same time, I only love missionaries with the people I'm in love with because of these really intimate reasons " says Jasmine, 34.

“Vanilla sex is reassuring. I know what to expect, and I don't have to worry about pulling out the lingerie or creating an elaborate fantasy role-playing game where I'm Daenerys and my boyfriend plays Khal Drogo. I know. what to expect, and I can be myself, without pressure " writes reporter Jessica Migala for Women's Health. Because vanilla sex doesn't necessarily mean turning off the lights, moaning softly a few times, then turning around to sleep. It is also making love while feeling comfortable and confident. For Charlotte Tourmente, it is about opting for sexual relations that we know to be pleasant and effective:"Routine sexuality can be the one the couple adopts when they are tired or in a hurry, because they know that it works well and that it brings pleasure easily". As the sex therapist points out, it's all about the right measure. "If sexuality is always the same thing, all the time, it may end up boring."

There is no such thing as "normal" sex

"All couples tend to repeat the same sequence of practices, what is called the same sexual pattern. This does not pose a problem if this sequence gives pleasure to both partners and suits them" Charlotte Tourmente notes. "By drawing a parallel with food, it's the ham and shells of food (a reassuring, comforting side and you don't have to make an effort)!"

However, you can enjoy vanilla sex and also practice BDSM, just as you can enjoy both quickie and slow sex. "Diversification often avoids fatigue and helps maintain desire" concedes the expert. "This sequence of routine practices corresponds in other couples to a pre-established sexual pattern, inherited from what 'sexuality is and should be' in heterosexual couples' however warns Charlotte Tourmente. "Most often, it is the sequence of fellatio (more rarely cunnilingus) / penetration / ejaculation. However, the majority of women do not enjoy with a single penetration …"

For the doctor, "vary the practices, associate the stimulation of the clitoris, favor the positions where it has the most sensations" ensures more pleasure to the woman, and to both partners. Without giving in to the injunctions of performance and novelty, bringing variety from time to time, as well in the places where we make love, as in the positions or the duration of the frolic, will stimulate the desire and the pleasure. And remember, there is no such thing as "normal" when it comes to sex. Sexual practices should not be hierarchical, whether one is a follower of soft sex and languid kisses or sadomasochism, as long as they are part of the mutual consent of both partners. So no, you don't have to be ashamed to love vanilla, on the contrary! You know each other well enough to find happiness in this sexual routine.

Thanks to Charlotte Tourmente, doctor and sex therapist, author of Multiple Sclerosis and Stiletto Heels, First editions

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Video by Clemence Chevallet