After gosthing or stashing, now “breadcrumbing” comes in turn to give us a hard time when it comes to romantic relationships. A not really cool technique that blows hot and cold.
Apocalypsing, curving, stonewalling… So many neologisms that describe new techniques of seduction. The breadcrumbing is added to this long list. It's about making a relationship sparkle, without really wanting to commit. Our crush sends us signals from time to time, a like every three months, a frustrating message that is desired, and we are at his feet. How to recognize the breadcrumbing ? How to react ? We asked an expert in romantic relationships and people who have been both victimized and guilty.
What is breadcrumbing?
This portmanteau word means, in English, according to the Urban Dictionnary, "digital bread crumbs" occasionally balanced. The breadcrumbing is giving your target enough attention to give them hope for a relationship, without giving them what they want. Nothing new, since being wanted is a well-known seduction tactic. However, social networks and new technologies amplify the phenomenon. The, the breadcrumber leaves behind crumbs of hope, suddenly likes and texting here and there. Most of the time, that person is an ex, a sex party, or just that person we met on Tinder a few years ago who we had a drink with. Louise who was the victim of breadcrumbing testifies: " I went through this with a guy for several years. He landed every six months before disappearing each time. An SMS from time to time, a like every three months on Instagram … At first we tell ourselves that the other is thinking of us, then we realize that it was just to boost his ego or have a little 'Warning. "
How to recognize breadcrumbing?
The, the breadcrumber can act in different ways. It is often recognized in the following situations:
- The SMS disseminated, from time to time, on the fly: "How have you been since time?" "," Thought of you, saw (insert name of unknown author) movie, "or" Happy New Year! I hope all is well with you " ;
- The like in an Instagram photo from over a year ago;
- He / she never explains his absence by reconnecting;
- He's constantly changing the way he contacts you: Instagram, Facebook, SMS, even LinkedIn for the more daring.
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But why this behavior?
The breadcrumbing is he really the weapon of manipulators and unscrupulous individuals? Not necessarily according to Florence Escaravage, expert in romantic relationships, who tells us: "This need is because we are bonding beings. Every now and then, even those secondary links resurface and we need to hear from you. " This is the case of Sarah who admits to having used this "technique". "It was with my current boyfriend, before we got together, and it lasted a good two years. On the fly texts, a few likes on Facebook … I even canceled meetings at the last minute using a bogus excuse. I don't blame myself too much because, looking back, I wasn't ready for a new story at the time. I was coming out of a complicated relationship that I hadn't gotten over completely. But at the same time, I wanted him to keep me in the back of his mind ", she tells us.
This behavior can be distressing and disturbing because the person paying the price is kept in the dark and does not know where they stand. Followers of this practice justify themselves to Mashable by invoking the phobia of IRL meetings ("in real life", in real life) or the comfort of these exchanges without consequences. "When we connect with our loneliness, we take stock of our life, without being very honest about the quality of the link that unites us", notes Florence Escaravage. “You don't necessarily have to see bad intention or malice. On the other hand, you have to know what you want to do with this person who contacts us ".
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How to react to breadcrumbing?
Instead of picking up the crumbs that the breadcrumber scattered around, we can try to have a discussion to understand his intentions, but also to be clear about our own. Because the breadcrumbing is based on a relationship that is perceived to be unequal. One gives little, while the other expects more. For Florence Escaravage, "The most important thing is knowing what I want, is this right for me? Am I a victim? ", she invites us to question ourselves. "We have to regain power over the link we establish and the one we want to establish. It is not for the other to impose it on us ", says the romantic expert. If the situation does not suit us, do not let it continue and waste our time and energy. The sooner we clear things up, the sooner we can focus on someone who wants to spend time with us and really does engage.