We all dream of experiencing love with a capital A… But some sometimes dream a little too much, even if it means falling from very high when they realize that everything they imagined with their lover is false. The latter are in fact affected by the Date dreaming.
The love that strikes like a thunderbolt, that gives you shivers, stirs a whole bunch of butterflies in your belly, but which is ultimately only illusion and fiction: this could be summed up “Date dreams”. Highlighted for the first time by our colleagues from Subway UK, Date dreaming affects the romantic relationships of many of us. As its name suggests, Date dreaming consists of “dreaming about romantic relationships” even though they have not yet started. From the first meeting or from the 1st date, the Date dreamers will in fact idealize their suitor to the extreme, build him a perfect image and to fall in love of this fantasy that they have created from scratch.
In their eyes, this potential lover has all the qualities they desire, has innumerable points in common with them; in short, he is the perfect man or womanthe one who is perfectly compatible with them (although this is not necessarily proven in practice). From the first moments of the idyllindividuals affected by Date dreaming will thus project themselves very far with their suitor and make plans for the comet without having come to know him. Travel, cohabitation, marriage, children: the Date dreamer will imagine a whole host of projects with the person he has just met, without taking the time to check if there is reciprocity and/or compatibility. By idealizing him in this way, by imagining ten thousand plans and by projecting himself so quickly so far into the future with him, it feeds expectations that will not be fulfilledand that will inevitably lead him to disappointment in love. The coveted being is so fantasized that he is put on a pedestal… But it is the Date dreamer who will fall from above.
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A vision of love conveyed by fiction
If this first aspect of Date dreaming is totally specific to the individualanother side of this amorous behavior derives directly from fictionromantic comedies, TV shows (such as Married at first sight), love songs and romance novels to which he has been subjected since childhood. In effect, these cultural creations convey an image of love that strongly influences and conditions Date dreamers. Over the years, they ended up assimilate unrealistic standards and by to forge an embellished vision of love, very far from reality. Between love at first sight, immediate love at first sight, fiery declarations of love, tumultuous (even toxic) stories that lead to a Happy ending…: they expect to know romanticized things that they don’t will probably never experience.
If it is totally balanced to have expectations in love, since it allows to set limits to the loved one and to be respected; having too much can, on the contrary, be unhealthy for the person concerned: rather than appreciating the positive points of the relationship in the present, they will be expecting to live what they expect, and be disappointed when they realize that it will never happen .
As you will have understood, the Date dreaming is thus a loving behavior that one does not undergo from others, but from oneself. However, it is no less toxic than the others.
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How can Date dreaming be toxic?
More than being deceptive, Date dreaming can therefore prove to be toxic for those affected. Since they tend to idealize their suitor, they don’t necessarily see the red flags. Worse still, they can see them but choose not to pay attention!
And if a single behavior on her part bothers them, they always an excuse found to justify the latter… “You can make excuses for someone or cling to the relationship in the hope that they will become the person you imagined, even if they no longer treat you with respect”relationship expert Hayley Quinn tells our counterparts at Subway UK. A bit as if the red flags were painted pink.
Moreover, they are convinced that over time, it will be even better than it already is (even if it is not). Even if they notice things that upset them at the moment T, they knowingly choose to ignore them: impossible that the individual they are dreaming of is bad! In short, they detect the potential of the person more than the person as he is, dwelling on the future when they should be concentrating on the present. They do not set limits and accept unhealthy borderline situations because they imagine that they will improve in the future.
But then, how can you stop dreaming about your love without drawing a line under your demands? The specialist in romantic relationships recommendsobserving the actions of her suitor rather than focusing on the image we have of him. She also suggests that sickly idealists seek advice from the couples around them in order to have an outside, experienced point of view to refer to.
Open-minded and in love with life, Emilie likes to decipher the new phenomena that shape society and relationships today. Her passion for the human being motivates her to write…