Anguish of being alone overnight, emotional dependence, lack of self-confidence … The fear of abandonment destroys the relationships of those who suffer from it. What is she hiding and how can you beat her? Two specialists decipher this suffering.
The fear of abandonment is a feeling that is difficult to live with on a daily basis. Withdrawal, aggressiveness, anxiety … This fear ruins the romantic, friendly, family or even professional relationships of those who suffer from it. It is called fear, feeling, hurt, or syndrome. The names change, but the origin always remains the same: an abandonment or a feeling of abandonment experienced in infancy.
Where does the fear of abandonment come from?
Fear of abandonment often arises from trauma that arose early in life, during childhood. "Our fears of being abandoned come from real abandonment, whose wounds have not yet been completely healed" notes Saverio Tomasella, doctor in psychology, psychoanalyst and author of The Feeling of Abandonment (The pocket book). It can be a matter of mourning, separation, estrangement, neglect. “There are people who have been really abandoned, people born under X, taken to boarding school very young. It can also be a divorce where one of the two parents will live far away; children no longer see him, even more so if he does not hear back and show up " details Sylvie Tenenbaum, psychotherapist and author of numerous books including Healing from the wound of abandonment (Leduc.s editions). These actual dropouts can be very varied. "Either they went unnoticed, or those around us demanded that we turn the page by" managing our emotions ", that is to say by minimizing or even denying them, rather than welcoming them and listening to them , or by focusing on "the present moment" to forget our suffering too quickly, instead of taking the time to really heal it. Our performance society requires us to be resilient, which pushes us to cover up our wounds without healing them ", emphasizes Saverio Tomasella.
The wound of abandonment can open at any age, during the childhood years, adolescence or adulthood. “The breakup is always experienced as an abandonment. Even if this is the person who leaves, he still sees it as abandonment because the Other has not been as we expected him or her to be so it is a form of abandonment too " explains Sylvie Tenenbaum. "In fact, the term abandonment is only used when it comes to dependent children or elderly people, specifies the specialist. Otherwise we speak of a break in friendship, love or family. This is not abandonment, because the person is supposed to be autonomous even if they are not emotionally. The fear of abandonment is also a sign of emotional immaturity. " For Sigmund Freud, the fear of being abandoned and of being alone can become a chronic trauma when life events (bereavement, romantic, friendly, family, professional separations, etc.) reactivate them.
How does abandonment syndrome manifest itself?
"Abandonism," as we say in psycho jargon, manifests itself in the fear, often unconscious, of being rejected again. For Sylvie Tenenbaum, so-called “abandoned” people expect their romantic, friendly or family relationships to compensate for an abandonment that has really existed or a separation experienced as such. "This manifests itself in extremely high expectations vis-à-vis people, companion or partner, friends, family, expectations so high that they become without our noticing it, requirements ", she analyzes. “We spend our lives looking for compensation and repairs. We are still in fear. The fear of abandonment is a backdrop, it is the emotional red thread that will lead to behaviors that are sometimes incomprehensible to those around them and very high demands ". This feeling has many repercussions on the life of the abandoned person. "These demands can become very tiring, since the signs of love or attention become a drug she needs", continues the psychotherapist.
Whether we are talking about real abandonment or a feeling of abandonment, the manifestations differ from one person to another, with some constants. Great anxiety, distressing thoughts, incessant doubts as well as a strong reactivity to all forms of stress can appear. Individuals who suffer from abandonment syndrome may also engage in excessive behaviors, such as a tendency to close relationships, affective dependance, addictions or even eating disorders (bulimia, anorexia, orthorexia, etc.). In addition, the abandoned person often suffers from a lack of self-confidence, poor self-esteem, convinced that he does not deserve to be loved. Finally, she can also develop hypochondria, but also certain psychosomatic illnesses such as asthma, eczema, diarrhea, irritable colon, cystitis, spasmophilia, as Saverio Tomasella points out.
The difficulty of living as a couple
Emotional dependence is often observed in the romantic relationships of abandoned individuals. If the emotional needs are not met, they experience great frustration, pain, without becoming detached from their partner. "When you're very scared of something, subconsciously you do whatever it takes to make it happen. In general, when we are abandoned, we cause breakups because at least we are no longer afraid of being abandoned, we are ", Sylvie Tenenbaum remarks. The partner must always give more proof of love, which turns out to be insufficient. “You have to do everything for them all the time. Because they were abandoned or felt abandoned, because they suffered, they deserve to be taken care of ", adds the professional. The abandoned becomes more and more difficult to live with, controlling, sometimes even turning into an executioner, and then provokes what he or she fears: separation. "An abandoned person always places himself as a victim and seeks a savior or a savior", notes the specialist.
See: how to heal from heartache?
How to free yourself from the fear of abandonment?
The two experts are unanimous: following therapy is essential to free yourself from the fear of being abandoned. "But also to realize that we are poisoning the lives of others, to treat the injured child, the wounds of the past, no matter how old we were when we lived these wounds", says Sylvie Tenenbaum. “Focusing or Somatic Experiencing therapies are recommended. You should know that the emotional brain needs moments of pause, slowness, regularity and much more time to heal ”, says Saverio Tomasella. This work will allow us to put words to the wound of abandonment and to recognize and express his emotions. Awareness that is sometimes painful but necessary according to the psychotherapist. "When you've been abandoned or think you have been, you don't think you deserve to be loved. You have to rehabilitate yourself in your own eyes ”, she insists. “People who fear abandonment subconsciously do whatever it takes to be left to prove to themselves that they deserve to be, not to be loved, and to be left all their lives. You have to succeed in turning this vicious circle into a virtuous circle: I am important to myself first, therefore I deserve to be loved and therefore I am lovable in the first sense of the word ".
In parallel with this work on oneself carried out with the help of a therapist, Saverio Tomasella recommends several practices to be implemented on a daily basis:
- meditation of “full presence”, which seeks to welcome with indulgence and tenderness our difficulties, our sufferings, our weaknesses;
- yin yoga, which is a deep, slow, and gentle form of meditative yoga;
- Brain Gym and balance exercises harmonize the two brain hemispheres;
- Taping or EFT are effective in relieving anxiety or anxiety;
- the Vittoz method is a reconquest of oneself and one's confidence through one's body;
- relaxation, sophrology, self-hypnosis are very helpful;
- manual activities, gardening, forest walks and massages as well.