what is the “Liking Gap” and how does it affect our relationships?

There first meeting between two people is always tinged with subjectivity: first impressions whisper erroneous clues to us; personal interpretations lead us to (mis)judge; Short, “appearances are deceptive” in the end. And this erroneous judgment applies to the other (our interlocutor) as well as to ourselves… Indeed, following a new meeting and at a first exchanged conversation, individuals would tend to underestimating how much the person in front of them appreciated them : it is precisely this phenomenon that psychologists call “Liking gap”* (either “discrepancy” in French).

According to its theorists, the Liking gap occurs with each new social interaction, with each first conversation. During their study*, the latter actually forced the people surveyed to have a conversation with another participant. After the conversation was over, they asked each speaker to say how much they liked the other, and to guess how much the other person liked them back. Result: all respondents gave themselves a rating lower than that given by their interlocutor about them. In the specific context of our loves, it could therefore be that we underestimate the positive effect that we have on the one to whom we are courting!

Dating: the “Liking gap” during the 1st date

In the love sphere, the Liking gap unfolds at beginnings of a love story, at the time of the first appointment with the other. Let’s imagine that you are engaged in a seduction process with someone. After some time flirting with you in the virtual world, then comes the fateful moment of the first date in the real world. Despite all your fears, when you chat with your crush, you find yourself heaps of common pointsthe feeling and the affinities go well, the attraction is at its peak, the conversation is fluid, the other has shown signs of interest (smile, open arms, body turned towards yours)… In short, objectively speaking, the date went perfectly and suggests strong compatibility.

Logically, you should be reassured about your power of seduction or the impression you left. But as the psychologists in charge of the study* have shown, human beings tend to be very critical and judgmental with themselves, much more than they are with others. This very virulent self-judgment and this negative internal monologue will come out after each conversation, and all the more intensely when there is “the added uncertainty of talking to someone new.”*

As a result, this human reflex will push you to question yourself and make you doubt your propensity to be appreciated by your interlocutor: “I’ve talked way too much”, “I should have said that instead, I made a fool of myself”, “I was too boring, I failed to captivate him”… So many questions and reproaches that can go on in a loop following the verbal exchange, and minimize your quality in social interaction. You then think that the other liked your company less than is actually the case… Which is not without consequences for the future love story.

How does the Liking gap interfere with the (future) romantic relationship?

The consequences on the potential romantic relationship are numerous. The most notable of these is that the Liking gap can lead to not taking the first steps necessary to follow up on the idyll, even though we want to deepen the connection. For what ? Because following this first exchange, 1) we think that the person did not like us (while this is the case); 2) we imagine that the feelings are not shared; 3) we fear being rejected.

This same fear of rejection also has its effects during the conversation itself: it can encourage the two interlocutors not to send sufficiently clear signals of receptivity, which would make it possible to make the other understand that the interest is shared… Result: this pushes you even more to silence your attraction towards the other at the end of this first interview: “conversations raise the specter of social rejection, and people are therefore reluctant to express interest in others in case that interest is not reciprocated.”***

Thus, we will avoid the other and reject him before he does it himself… Which will have the effect of end the love story even before it could see the light of day (as would an avoidant attachment profile or a person with a wound of rejection). The Liking gap complicates the task of those who want find true love : he pushes to destroy everything before even having been able to build a relationship…

We can avoid the harmful effects of the Liking gap

The researchers of the study have also raised it: all this Liking gap would not exist if we had the guts to show sincerity and ask direct questions following this first discussion… This gap of appreciation actually reflects the lack of communication that there may be between two suitors; the annoying habit of making assumptions and thinking for the other rather than simply asking the question. It is no coincidence that Don Miguel Ruiz made it a Toltec agreement…

But let lovers be reassured: if it continues beyond the first meeting, the Liking gap also decreases as the (love) relationship grows. With a bit of luck, you will have chosen to give your partner a second chance, sweeping away misinterpretations and your single life!

Open-minded and in love with life, Emilie likes to decipher the new phenomena that shape society and relationships today. Her passion for the human being motivates her to write…