In order for a relationship to work, there usually has to be some things right. The communication, the chemistry, the timing – all of that also decides at least about our luck or misery as a couple. But according to the Hamburg couple therapist Eric Hegmann, nothing can hold a relationship together long-term and stable if a crucial ingredient is missing: Friendship!
Friendship + love = not a good idea ?!
Admittedly, friendship doesn't exactly sound sexy. You talk to a friend about your partner, vomit up about their relationship problems and if you accidentally exchange tenderness with him – drinking too much or under the influence of chaotic emotions – things get complicated very quickly. In other words: In our thinking, friendship and relationship are two different pairs of shoes like sneakers and pumps.
And of course Hegmann knows that too. "When friendship becomes love, it is often viewed with skepticism. The immediately described Horror scenario: 'Then our friendship breaks down!' It is not uncommon for couples to decide against a love relationship because they do not want to risk their friendship, "says the therapist. It may not be so clear to many that they may not want to be with their perfect match …
Friendship is the first step in EVERY stable relationship
According to experts, the path to a promising, long-term working relationship always leads through friendship. Hegmann explains: "Getting to know a partner can be done in two ways the fateful way, that is, sexual attraction that suddenly and very strongly leads to attachment, also often referred to as 'love at first sight'. And the growth-oriented pathwho begins with sympathy, then can grow into affection, friendship and love. The latter way happens more often and leads to stable partnerships. The first is often over-romanticized, although it usually only leads to short relationships that end when the first attraction wears off and everyday life returns. "
Without friendship there is hardly any harmony
In the experience of the expert, this primarily helps to ensure that couples who not only "combine" romantic feelings and sex, but also friendship, stay together longer: In their everyday relationships, they tend to be more relaxed and harmonious. "Many people argue with their friends much more respectfully, prudently and less heatedly than with their partnerwhere namely Fear of loss can provide strong and extreme behaviors. In couples therapy, couples therefore often learn to argue with each other like friends and not like enemies, because they are a team that works with each other and not against each other, "says Hegmann.
Couple therapist and relationship coach Eric Hegmann
In addition, according to the relationship coach: "Friends are there for each other, they behave loyally, support each other, give each other gratitude and attention. They do not count up – which couples often do when they check their inner relationship account. When in quarrels' Always do you … 'against' Never do you … 'is positioned. If every wish and every disappointed expectation resonates with fear:' If you really loved me, you would … '"
True love includes friendly feelings
Hegmann's judgment is therefore clear: true love, which has connected for decades, always includes a Platonic love. First and foremost, according to the expert, it is "friendship that brings couples through times of crisis and lets happy moments really be enjoyed." And let's be honest: isn't the idea that our partner is also our best friend fairly ideal and fantastic? At least a lot better than being in love with your best friend …
Questions for the couple therapist? On the Eric Hegmann website you will find contact options as well as a lot of coaching offers, online courses and further information. And in case you want to share with others about friendship, love and relationship: Take a look at our community!
Video tip: 7 signs of true love
Of course, friendship alone is not enough. We'll tell you what little things happy couples do for one another without thinking about which rituals are good for a relationship and what typical apparent reasons for separation should never give up a partnership.