In the eyes of its detractors, Peaceful parenting is akin to a white flag raised by parents in difficulty, overwhelmed by their role as parents, who end up giving up and abandoning the battle in front of the kids. But they are far from the truth… Decryption of this parental style which advocates structure and serenity.
We often imagine that parenthood is a constant balance of power, a showdown between parent and child, where the will of the older child must triumph over that of the little one. Thus, to be respected, the parent should create a climate of aggression and hostility : roll your eyes, raise your voice, let the specter of punishment loom; in short, so many ways to scare the little bichon to force him to respect our conditions. But Politics and its countless tyrannical regimes have proven to us A + B that authority and respect are not obtained solely through force, coercion and/or fear.
On the parenting side, the existence of “Peaceful parenting” thus comes to refute all these clichés, by showing that obedience is possible without resorting to threats and this, even in the most stubborn children. Also called “Peaceful parenting” in French, this parenting style recommends that the adult remain calm even when the toddler has a tantrum, gets on his nerves and the situation becomes chaotic. We then say to ourselves that it takes a lot of mental strength to remain static… Or a lot of laxity. A mental shortcut that leads us to equate peaceful parenting with permissive style… Wrongly. We tell you everything about this educational style, through its three basic pillars.
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Peaceful parenting: a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions
As part of peaceful parenting, the parent remains calm and peaceful in all circumstances, even during the most intense childhood crises. He keeps his cool, does not react in the heat of the moment, does not let himself be overwhelmed by the situation, does not give in to pressure: he regulates his emotions. If his offspring starts screaming, stamping his feet or crying excessively, the parental figure, who feels anger rising, waits to come to his senses before expressing himself, so as not to shout in turn. But in practice, how to achieve this?
- The first solution is to decipher the emotion behind the child’s crisis.
Faced with a crisis situation, psychologists advise us first to take a deep breath and of deconstruct the situation to find out what is hidden behind the child’s emotion. Is the toddler hungry? Maybe he’s bored and wants our attention?
- The second solution is centered on us.
Psychologists then invite us to analyze our own emotions then be able to manage them. Anger is a secondary emotion that derives from fear, according to clinical psychologist Laura Markham.* The latter therefore advises us to take a step back to discover what really scares us before reacting.
“If we truly want to raise mature adults, we need to become adults, which means being able (…) to manage our emotions appropriately”explains Kiva Schuler, author of the book “The Peaceful Parenting (R)evolution: Changing the World by Changing How We Parent”. Because as you know, the best way to teach something to a child is to embody it: he learns by observing the parents’ behavior, and not just by listening to parental speech.
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A parenting style that prioritizes connection with the child
In peaceful parenthood, emotional connection with the child is at the center of all educational practice. This connection is possible through empathy, non-violent communication, and the ability to remain calm in all circumstances (as mentioned previously).
In this sense, even if the child’s behavior annoys or angers us, the words used to reframe it must never be virulent, hurtful or express any judgment. The child must feel understood, loved, accepted as he is, and secure, even if he has done something stupid or flouted our authority: “We want to lift children up rather than put them down when they make mistakes, forget things or misbehave.”* The psychologist who theorized peaceful parenting promises: the closer the child feels to us, the more he wants to cooperate, behave well, and respect our authority.
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Gently set limits and a framework for the child
Generally speaking, we tend to conflate remaining calm with letting ourselves be walked on. But remaining calm whatever the situation does not mean that you do not know how to be respected by your toddler. So, peaceful parents impose a framework on the child, set limits, but gently ; contrary to permissive parents who do not impose at all. “An iron fist in a velvet glove.”
Coach rather than control
We often wonder how to make our authority shine without imposing punishments, sanctions, or negative consequences for an action that transgresses an instilled rule. Without negative consequences incurred, how can the child want to respect us or take responsibility?
Paradoxically, “child respect and good behavior tend to arise once the power dynamic has been removed.”* Because having power is different from having authority : it is not because we adopt a dominant posture, that we place ourselves in a position of strength in relation to the child, that he will necessarily show us respect.
In this sense, the peaceful parent will not not control the child’s behavior, but rather support and advise him : he does not impose his will, and takes into account the voice of the brat. Within the framework of Peaceful parenting, we thus move from the status of authoritarian parent to that of mentor; and the child obeys not because he fears being punished, but simply because he wants to and/or has understood the lesson.
Freelance journalist
Open-minded and in love with life, Emilie likes to decipher the new phenomena that shape society and relationships today. Her passion for human beings motivates her to write…